I don’t remember how I came to exist in this agonizing state of flux. One minute I’m tossing the football around with friends in my backyard, and seconds later, I’m here, locked in some white-washed room, floating aimlessly against the cold ceiling, looking down on myself with hazy discernment. I don’t look so good. I’m quite pale, but resting, and most importantly, I have no pain!  Hey, there alongside my bed sits my loving wife, Jen, texting. God bless her. Who is that guy sitting with her, rubbing her knee and fondling her hand?  Oh, it’s our pastor. I didn’t recognize him without his loud clamoring and hyped rebuke toward some of his saints.

Then I perceived in my dreary slumber, my wife Jen, say, “Doctor, if it is not too much trouble, revive him, he doesn’t have a living will, I alone am the executor of our estate, so yeah, go ahead and paddle him to the full extent… But wait! You know he is seventy-two years old, and this is his second heart attack… What do you doctors think?”

 “Ma''am, we don’t have time for your wishy-washy conflict of interest; we need a decision, and stat!”

“Ok, just do it!”

“All clear…” Zap! But I felt nothing. Everything remained black and mute.

“Increase power, clear again…” Zap! This time, I felt an obvious burning thud in my chest cavity - to where my brain sensors sizzled. “We have a pulse…” I am back, and alive, though only half, but still… I was breathing on my own and semi-conscious! I heard dogs barking, and other soulless creatures scuffling about. The meds must be messing with my mind, but then I felt a warm furry paw caress my head, tossing my hair, then a long, coarse tongue licked my face, slimming my cheek, purring - ever so lovingly...

Aah, yes, I was at full arousal now. Is that even possible? That wife of mine always knows what I like! Jen is trying to get me up and moving out of my slumber…Wait, where am I? After a few minutes, my vision cleared, and I looked all about, right then left, noticing that I was lying on a gurney in the back room at the animal hospital. I knew it! To save money, my loving wife decided to transport me two miles down the road to the animal clinic, instead of taking me to the emergency ward ten miles away.  Just when I think I have figured her out. Oh, if I had the strength, I’d sit up, and push away her aggressive hand, then grab that lewd wench by the throat…Come to think of it, she is the reason I had this heart attack to begin with, always pushing my resolve to the outer limits of compliance!

At that point, the so-called vet doctor enters my private room. I clambered on and on about the barking dogs and the over-friendly cat, in a vengeful tone, as only I could when enraged.  I clarified, “It’s not that I’m not grateful for all you vets have done for me today, I am, but what I need right now is a real cardiologist!”

The doctor stated, “Bob, you are heavily medicated. You have been here at St. Anne’s Hospital for five days now… You are a fortunate man!”

At least that’s what they tell me.     the end