Hope this finds you well and happy in Heaven. I am doing fairly okay; been tired and run down lately. The kids are taking all of my remaining energy, and with this fibromyalgia thing, that isn't much. I am so tired and so run down, it is all I can do just to get out of bed!
This is your Daughter, M'buti.
I don't know why I keep punishing myself the way I do. I try to keep going, but my body won't let me, and I am so exhausted. I am glad Roberto is there for me, but when he goes to work, I don't have the energy to keep after an active toddler and two frisky animals; not to mention, two babies who are dependent on their every need. My breasts are so sore, and it feels like they are running on empty. Every four hours, Kibarake and Eshe are crying to be fed, and I don't know if I can take much more. At times I wish I didn't have them; they are so demanding, and my nerves are taut and are ready to break at a moment's notice!
My body feels like someone's been using it as a punching bag: every muscle, every fiber, every bone, every joint is begging and crying for mercy, and it is all I can do to drag myself out of my warm bed. Yet people don't understand the pain or agony I go through; they keep telling me that I can't be in THAT much pain or they say it is all in my head; and they call me crazy. I guess they mean well, but I wish they could be ME for one day and see EXACTLY what I have to endure, day in and day out! THEN maybe they would change their minds! My husband tries to be supportive of me, but I get mad at him for every little thing, and I sometimes wonder if I AM truly going mad!
I wonder how Miss Louisiana does it. Somehow that woman keeps on going and going, and I see no sign of her wearing out. She has all those special-needs kids that she and Bill adopted; yet, they both work and somehow manage to keep things in worldly order. If things DO go out of control at their house, you really never do know it. And despite raising their family of many children, both work, and they seem to be very happy.
I wonder if they take anything to keep them going....hmm..makes me wonder sometimes!
Ron has been helping out with the kids when he isn't busy with the animals, and Jubaki just loves him like an uncle. He comes over at least once a day to check up on me, and if I need help, he will stay and help out for a few hours, which I think is very nice of him. I am so blessed to have friends like Louisiana Sandusky and Ron Myerson in my life; they make my life much more bearable! Miss Louisiana calls me every day to check up on how I am doing, and she brings me reading material at least once or twice a week; and sometimes she'll bring Johnny, Ronee', or one of the kids with her, and it is always a pleasure to see them again!
I don't know what I would do without friends like Ron or Miss Louisiana; both have enriched my life tenfold, and they make my life much more bearable.
I know many people have it far worse than I do, but when it is YOU that is sick or feeling poorly, it is so difficult and hard to remember that, and I sometimes wish I didn't have it as hard as I do. I wish you were still alive; I need a parent's advice at times, and I miss your strong sense of support and love. I wish you could meet your grandchildren and love on them as any good grandparent should; they are missing out on a lot by not having a grandma or grandpa to come to. I look at Miss Louisiana's father and stepmother with their children, and I always manage to get a lump in my throat or a tear in my eye; because they have something that Jubaki, Eshe, and Kibarake do NOT, and inside, I get sad and/or jealous.
Well, Mother and Father, I must leave now. It is time for Jubaki to have his lunch, and it is time for ME to eat as well; have to take my darn medication soon, and I CAN'T take it on an empty stomach. I will write more as time permits at a later date.
Until the next time, please let it be known that I will never stop loving you or missing you, and you will always live on in my heart and memory.
As always, your Loving Daughter, M'buti.
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Reviewed by Robert Blackwell
5/27/2003
Karen, your stories are the perfect tonic for coming home from work. I love your poems, and you besides. {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
(((karen))) these letters m'buti are writing to her family are precious and well written. it's kind of like a diary...to record her daily life and thoughts. it is a healing way to deal with everything she has gone through. great job! (((HUGS))) and i look forward to more from m'buti. love, karla. :)
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