M'buti writes about how difficult her life has been, and how far she has come in her journey towards healing and wellness.
Monday, August 25, 2003~
I look at my life, and I suddenly realize just how lucky I have been.
I have survived things no person should never have to go through, and I sometimes wonder how I managed to stay alive with some of the illnesses I have endured. I endured the loss of my parents, being badly burned, having a severely broken leg that required the use of a cage to help it heal (for a while there, I didn't think I would EVER get it off! That thing was *NASTY*!), being in the hospital for months and months and months, surviving a flesh-eating bacterial disease, and so much more. I can't even begin to tell you what I have had to endure.
Yet, I am still here, and I am living proof that people can go through incredibly bad things in life and somehow come out on top. I am a living Miracle, and I suddenly realize now just how lucky I am. If it hadn't been for the love and support of my husband, Roberto, or the love of my kids, or the love and support of friends like Miss Louisiana (that's Louisiana Sandusky, to you) and her family, and others, I would probably be dead right now and wouldn't be writing all of this down.
While I certainly have overcome much in my life, I still have my "poor, poor pitiful M'buti" moments. I still can't look in a mirror without cringing because I still feel that I am ugly, what with all my scars and wrinkles, and I still am embarrassed about having to use my walking frame or my sticks, or having to wear thess ugly braces on my legs. I know I am not ugly, but I still see myself as ugly, and it really makes me feel bad.
I wish I were still working; but because of my past (and current) health problems, I am unable to work. I still get dizzy from time to time because of my low blood pressure, and I suffer from fibromyalgia that causes my entire body to hurt. I am so tired and rundown a lot of the time I wonder what I will do to get through the day. Having three kids (two of them babies) certainly does NOT help, and I sometimes wonder if I have made a bad mistake in having children because a lot of the time my husband has to watch them. I try to be a good wife and mother to my husband and children, but at times I feel I am failing miserably.
And with September 11 coming up, I am more edgy, edgier than usual, and this does nothing to help my ever-souring mood. As you know, I lost my friend, Stephanie Greene, in the attacks, and I am so scared that something like what happened that day will happen again, and I don't know if I could ever stand having to go through the fear and helplessness again.
But I know I have to go on, and I try to force myself to smile or look somewhat presentable when I go out in public. Still, I would just rather stay home and feel sorry for myself or busy myself with taking care of the children, which I usually end up doing.
People think I am crazy in the head (maybe I AM crazy), but they tell me I have such a good life and how lucky I am to have such a caring husband and three lovely kids; and I feel that my life ISN'T good. I am sick a lot of the time, and most days are extremely trying and tiring for me. By the end of the day I am so tired, it is a wonder I don't fall over from sheer exhaustion! People don't understand that I am not well, and whenever I try to do things, it takes so much out of me. I also suffer from bouts of depression, and sometimes it just saps the remaining strength I have.
They always tell me, "Oh, you are so COURAGEOUS!", and how "brave" I am, but to tell you the honest truth, I am NOT brave or courageous. I am like a scared little girl, and a lot of times, I just want to hide from the world because I am so scared as to what people will REALLY think whenever they see me, and I don't like myself at times. I try to be happy, but it sure is hard when I don't feel happy or don't feel well!
Try living in my shoes for a day, and then you will see just how hard I really do have it! Then you'll see that I am not so courageous in nature; I am just a scared and disabled young woman still trying to find her place in a maddening world.
A poignant story about letting go of a narcissist in your life. Have you ever been attacked FULL force by a narcissist? It's the closest thing to being stabbed over and over in the back.
Spoken Word
This CD will touch the deepest inner part of your humanness and spirit, you will never be the same after listening to the depths of struggle, the reality of life, the touching voice of truth. It will shock you, move you to tears. It w
Monday, August 25, 2003~
