A family writes about the difficulties of raising a child, now a teenager, who had previously been abused, and of the long and painful journey he made towards healing and love.
Richard, our second eldest son, is a paradox of complicated emotions.
One minute, he can be so loving and considerate, and the next, he can turn violent, unpredictable, and angry.
He has had to deal with much in the way of past hurt and abuse, and because of it, he has suffered horribly. His birth parents couldn't cope with his crying jags, so they tried to poison him by forcing him to drink bleach. In the process, the bleach burned his throat and esophageal lining, and he also had severe lung damage, and he now requires a trache in order to breathe. He will have this for the rest of his life; and it is a grim reminder of the horror he endured as a young infant.
Richard also has burn and other scars from abuse, and his emotions have suffered as well. He is borderline schitzophrenic, and he is bipolar depressive. He is on medication to try to keep his emotions in check, but sometimes, he forgets to take his medication, and this is when his moods can turn volatile. He has been in the mental ward of the hospital on several occasions because he has tried to kill himself, and he now sees a therapist twice a week at the local mental health clinic when he ISN'T in the hospital. He doesn't talk much, but he does do an awful lot of writing; and he writes about what he has had to endure; and his writings are quite dramatic and sobering; they will literally move one to tears. He writes as a form of therapy, and it is helping him heal from what he has had to endure. He also draws, and he is quite the talented young artist. He has won awards for his skills as an artist, and he has said to both Bill and myself that he wants to be a professional artist when he gets older.
When he isn't angry, Richard is a very handsome young man with a good head upon his scrawny little shoulders. He is now fourteen, fourteen and a half, to be exact, but he is short and skinny for his age; he looks no older than twelve. Even though he is adopted, he really favors his father, Bill: they have the same wild, unkempt black hair that is thick and wavy, the same snapping dark eyes, and the same bronze-gold skin. They are also both very skinny, but Richard is short whereas his father is very tall. He has a beautiful smile--that is, WHEN he smiles; unfortunately, he doesn't seem to smile much.
We have had many battles with our son, and he has caused us much in the way of heartache or grief; but we have managed to get the help he needs when his moods turn sour, and it is ONLY because of mental health intervention and/or hospitalizations that our son is still alive and is not lying six feet underground under a grave at the cemetary. We are trying to teach him that life is worth living and nothing can be that bad to where he wants to harm himself; and we also stress that he HAS to take his medication, NO questions asked, and that he takes it for a reason. We also are getting him involved in church, and while he is now believing in Jesus, he hasn't made that commitment into accepting Jesus into his life. (He has said that he WANTS to do it, but he is too embarrassed to get up and go in front of the congregation; he would rather just do it in private.) Instead, in the meantime, he prays to and believes in the Great Spirit.
Richard came to us when he was six; we have now had him eight years. He came to us from an adoption agency in Utah, where he was born. He is pure Native American: he is of the Blackfoot and Chippewa tribes; and he also has some Ute in his bloodlines. He is intensely proud of his Native American ancestry, and as far as we know, he was an only child. He didn't really appear to have any emotional problems at first (he was a quiet, shy boy who hardly said a word), but as he neared the age of nine, his emotions took a terrifying downfall, and this was how we found out that he had been abused as a child, both physically and emotionally. He had suffered irreparable damage, and it broke our hearts.
Yes, Richard may have his "spells" (as we call his mood swings), where he needs hospitalization or constant supervision, but he is turning more and more into a pleasant, amicable young man (especially when he is on his meds and his moods have been stabilized), and he is a joy to be around. He is serious, but at times he can be funny when one least expects it, and he loves to play piano; music is another form of therapy, and he is very good at what he does. He is very creative and artistic, and this is why he does so well at things like drawing, writing, and playing music. Being creative has allowed him to heal in a way that no doctor or prayer can.
He is also a typical growing boy, and he eats like a HORSE. He may be skinny, but he sure can pack away the food; and it is mind-boggling as to just how much food he can eat in one sitting. For example, one day we came home, and we found Richard eating three bags of chips and drinking four cans of soda; and also downing five hot dog sandwiches; and...he was still hungry afterwards! It is no wonder we keep having to go to the grocery store; our son may eat us out of house and home if we give him the chance!
Because of the fact that he is on a trache, he can't talk very loud, and he also has to be suctioned several times a day (more if he is sick). He is prone to respiratory infections, and he has been hospitalized before for breathing problems that have unexpectedly cropped up. Suctioning isn't very comfortable for the patient as it is, and it is oftentimes painful; but it is something that has to be done on a very regular basis, or there could be trouble, and Richard could wind up in the hospital with a deathly infection or illness. We have a suctioning unit beside his bed, and whenever we go anywhere, we take the portable one, and whenever he needs it (like every four hours), he gets suctioned. We also clean the tubing and the hole in his throat every few days to a week, to prevent any germs from entering his system and to keep him from getting deathly sick.
Richard has taught us much about the world of the mentally ill; and he has taught us to love him, even when he is being less than loveable or violent; and he has also taught us that even the most severely abused individual can heal if given the opportunity. He has also taught us about courage in the face of incredible odds, and he has taught us that even though he has a mental illness, he is nothing to be feared or ashamed of; they are people, too, and they deserve to be treated with dignity or compassion, or above all, understanding, just like anyone else who DOESN'T suffer from mental illness.
good story Karen. Abuse does affect us on into our adulthood. It took me years to learn to quite stacking the deck on myself. It is a lesson that some never learn and understand. hugs G.
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