The father of a very large brood offers us his tips on dealing with a family with many children.
It is nothing but chaos when you see our family. Take it from me: CHAOS is THE perfect description for our family! Life within the Sandusky family unit is NEVER dull!
People often wonder why we have adopted so many children, and people also wonder why we have adopted kids with special needs. I honestly don't know the answer to either question, but I like to say that God has blessed us by giving us these children. The children we took into our happy home were unwanted, unloved, abused, or rejected by society; and God gave us the opportunity to parent these children; and we have NOT been sorry! Our children are all Living Miracles of faith and hope, and they have blessed and enriched our lives tremendously!
But it takes much skill to parent children like ours. For one thing, it takes much in the way of patience and understanding in dealing with our kids. Our kids are oftentimes sick, and one never knows when a trip to the doctor's or emergency room or a call for an ambulance is in order. Things can happen so fast within our family, things like complicated seizures, breathing troubles, accidents, extreme nausea or uncontrollable fevers, heart attacks or "spells", psychotic episodes, or accidental overdoses or poisonings; and this is why we have to be forever watchful over our children. It doesn't take much for them to get sick or into some kind of trouble, and this is why one has to be so careful with our children, especially those who are deemed "medically fragile" or those with chronic lung or heart problems. It also helps if one has some background in the field of medicine because when one is dealing with our children, they have to learn how to feed them through tubes in their stomachs or noses, give them inhalers or breathing treatments, or how to lift a child (Johnny) with a neuromuscular disorder from a wheelchair and transfer him to a bed, to the toilet, or to the tub, and then back again. Johnny is still small in size, but weightwise, he is getting heavy, and it is getting harder and harder for us to try to lift him. It is very exhausting and physically demanding work, and caring for such children is a 24-hour job.
Another thing that is required to deal with a family like ours is patience..and lots of it. Same goes for perserverance. For example, it takes patience to try to rouse sleepy little ones from bed to get ready for school, and it takes patience to try to understand Jodie, who is only beginning to learn to talk and doesn't express herself that clearly. It takes a trained ear to figure out exactly what she is saying. It also takes perserverance to try to coax Ronee' to get into the tub, so she can soak in the tub to soothe and loosen stiff joints before she goes to school in the morning. (Ronee' is NOT a morning person; she will do anything and EVERYTHING to try to sleep in!)
A third thing people have to deal with within our family are interruptions. There are ten kids clamoring for attention from mommy and daddy, and try as we might, it is physically impossible for Louie or myself to clone ourselves or try to handle the requests of ten different kids. We deal with each kid as best as we can, and we try to tell them to wait for their turn, but this doesn't always work out. If it isn't kids interrupting us for help with schoolwork, the tying of shoes or buttoning of pants or shirts, or help with combing their hair, then we may have a little one crying because she messed up in her diapers, and she is starting to smell rich by now. Or you have a growing teenaged boy demanding food...NOW, NOT later.
A fourth thing people have to contend with in our family are stares or snickers (or comments) from strangers when they see us. We are already an odd looking bunch, what with two disabled parents, one extremely thin and tall, and the other short and squat, being followed by a seemingly endless train of children, children of all ages, sizes, shapes, races, colors, and disabilities. Or NO disabilities: there are children in our family who are NOT disabled, but they are often overlooked (NOT their fault). We have heard it all from people, and some of the comments directed at us have been very hurtful and cruel; but we have since learned to ignore them, and we try not to let the comments bother us, no matter how hateful, cruel, or shallow they may be. It just only goes to show how uneducated some people are, and we don't like to deal with these people, so we purposely ignore them.
A fifth rule of thumb in dealing with as many children as we have in our family is a tightly run schedule that must be STRICTLY adhered to at ALL times. We eat in shifts: the littlest kids eat first, followed by the middle kids, and lastly, the older kids; and anyone who needs help in eating also eat first. Time is often constrained because of medical schedules, and there are certain times when kids take certain medications, and this has to be adhered to as well, or there is apt to be forgotten pills or treatments, and a kid may get sick if they don't get their medications on time. We have built-in babysitters in our family: the older kids watch out over the youngest ones, and it goes on down the line; and all of the kids are watched over by either us or by Louie's parents. The kids are NEVER left by themselves, and someone is ALWAYS watching them, even if Louie and/or myself are away. The children also have different schedules and bedtimes, and our lives are set to these schedules. Oftentimes Louie and myself don't have but one hour to ourselves after we get the kids in bed, and that is before WE go to bed. (We are usually in bed by ten, ten thirty.)
A sixth rule in our family is budgeting our money. It takes a lot of money to raise a family like ours, and kids with special needs are NOT cheap. A lot of what we make goes toward their medical care or their medical appliances, and what insurance doesn't cover, WE have to pay. It also costs us an arm and a leg (plus part of another leg!) to feed our "army". It isn't uncommon for us to spend over $500 on groceries for our kids every week; and oftentimes it is even more than that. With growing kids in the family, and with teenagers, we have to spend that much so we can make sure the kids have enough in the way of food and they don't eat us out of house and home!
We also get our clothes from thrift stores, church bazaars, or garage sales; we can't go to places like Dillard's or Mervyn's and get the latest styles. They cost way too much, and our kids are happier with the cheaper stuff. They aren't greedy, and we try to teach them that shopping is expensive, and because there are so many kids in the family, they must learn to make do with the clothes we get them. (Of course, we make sure the clothes are in good shape before we even think of giving them to the kids; we don't want people to think that we are neglecting them by buying them clothes that don't look good! Or clothes are passed from one kid to the next if they are salvageable.)
We teach our kids about money and budgeting their allowances. Our kids each get $20 per week (that is $1,000 total for all 50 kids), and we make them put at least a few bucks to $5.00 in their savings; and what is left is used to spend it in any way they wish. Any extra money they get they have to put it in their piggy banks, and some have managed to save up quite a bit of money. We also teach them about charity and tithing, and whatever extra is left is used for either tithing to our church or giving to charity. We teach our kids how to wisely invest their money, and we teach them that it is wrong to spend their money on frivulous things that they don't need.
A final thing we stress upon in our family is discipline. Our kids are taught from the beginning from right vs. wrong as soon as they join our family, and they have to know that if they mess up, they are bound to get disciplined for their transgression. If they swear, they have to give Louie or myself a dollar for every curse word they say (the F word costs $5.00, and the big one...g.d...costs a pretty $20.00). Swearing is NOT allowed in our house, and if Louie or myself catch them in the act, they WILL be punished. Same goes if they lie, cheat, steal, or backtalk us. If worse comes to worse, if groundings or docking of allowance privileges don't work, they will get paddled for their transgressions. They also have to pray to God and ask for His forgiveness after they have been punished.
Because our kids are disciplined, they know how to behave in public (but that sometimes doesn't stop them from getting into mischief; kids are kids, and one can't expect them to be well-behaved ALL of the time!), and they know that if they act up, they will be punished. They know how to deal with other people, and they interact very well with people in a public setting. They know to stay beside us at all times, and they know not to ask for toys and things because they know that they are NOT going to get them, especially if they have been misbehaving! We don't reward our kids by giving them material things; we reward them with love, praise, and kisses, and the more they behave, the more praise they are going to get, and in the end everybody benefits.
Even though it may seem impossible, raising a family with many kids is NOT hard. It takes a lot of common sense and know-how, and it takes much in the way of patience. I came from a big family myself (eight brothers), plus my wife came from a family of five girls; so we know how to raise our children. We have the experience and tenacity in dealing with many kids, and the kids know that we mean business when we discipline them. They also know what is good or bad, and they know of the love of God and have a firm understanding and establishment of the world around them and how it operates. They also know that they have to work especially hard, as the world often isn't kind to people with disabilities, and so they have to learn to adapt and go on and above their capabilities.
Yes, raising a family like mine IS a BIG challenge, but at least I can say that our kids are going to make it! They have already proven themselves worthy in an uncaring and misunderstanding world, and they have "the stuff" and the right attitudes; and sometimes, that is all that it takes! And they know that we, as their parents, are going to be right with them, each and every step of the way!
WOW, (((karen))), this is a long, well written story by a father who has many children with special needs...of course, all of his children are special! and so are you, for writing about this loving family. :)
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It is nothing but chaos when you see our family. Take it from me: CHAOS is THE perfect description for our family! Life within the Sandusky family unit is NEVER dull!
