I stepped into the cool, windowless room, whitewashed walls framed its squarishness. Spacious enough to be comfortable in, but because of my intentions at that moment, it seemed to shrink to half its actual size, and the air, almost suffocating.
My footsteps, noiseless though they were, roused him from his sleep. He opened his eyes, and met my gaze just as I stopped moving forward. I just stood there for a long time, looking downwards at the pale, half-naked figure lying at my feet. His whole body, on his side, moved up and down rhythmically with his breathing. My face was calm, neither smiling nor frowning. Every inch of my outer body remained resolutely still, as pressure mounted from inside my heart, grew stronger and stronger. If he had seen the intentions in my eyes, he did not show any fear. Instead, his breathing remained calm, his gaze as steady and unblinking as mine. We just gazed at each other like that for a long time, communicating wordlessly, me hoping for his understanding and forgiveness, while he seemed to have embraced all my sins with his serenity.
Then, just as quietly, I went down on my knees, our gazes still locked. I raised my right arm high above my head, a pair of scissors clenched in my fist. In one swift movement, I brought it down to his chest. Not a dent. I stabbed repeatedly, but the blunt end failed to penetrate even his skin. I looked at him for a split second. He hardly flinched, just lying there, looking at me.
Without any hesitation, I picked up his blood bag which was placed on his chest and began to cut across the plastic. As I started to bring the blades together, I felt pressure mounting in the bag, then giving way as blood began to seep through. I can see the deep red liquid oozing out form the tear, glossing over the crack line, then, flowing freely onto the cement floor. The bag, once bulging, became wrinkled as blood gushed from it, forming streams that forked into more streams, ending in puddles which quickly came together.
The next moment I looked at him, I realized that tears had filmed my eyes. His gaze was no longer on me, but was focused straight ahead, on somewhere unknown. His breathing became more and more jagged, and he started palpitating, his mouth gulping for air like a fish dying on land. Through my increasingly blurry vision, I could see that his eyes were still as unwavering as before. It was then that I blinked, and whatever pent-up emotions I had in me burst forth in two steady streams, falling off my cheek to join the crimson puddle. My mouth was open, and I was wailing and wailing, but all the heart-wrenching sounds that I could hear, only existed in my mind.
The whole room was warped, and I felt hot, scorching fire, like I was in hell. My face, my hands, the back of my neck were singed by the ghosts of remorse, pain and sorrow. A nail was hammered into my heart when I realized the finality of this separation. I wrapped my arms around him and lay on top of him, fresh tears spurted from my eyes with every inch of my contact with his skin. Even as my burning tears flowed all over him, I could feel his body getting colder and colder.
Copyright Jade Windchime 2004
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