Kindle Edition
Category:
Family
ISBN-10: B01JFBV7JC
Spying on one’s wife and her friends is a lot like spying on yourself well that’s what happens in this funny story about love and marriage with the Big Red Hat Society thrown in for extra measure.
Excerpt
I have always wondered what it would be like to spy on my wife. Don the whole espionage garb, fake beard, and mustache --of course the KimYung Il, sunglasses. You see no good spy outfit would be complete without the sunglasses. Ever notice in all the great spy movies from the time of the immortal Charlie Chan to Hammer’s Dick Barton special agent, Marlow’s Sam Spade pure genius with a spy somewhere lurking in the back ground. Hollywood is simply clueless now with respect to making spy movies. I tell my wife this all the time; she just gives me a look and hides the TV guide. As I was saying, the first thing a spy puts on is his sunglasses. Does not matter if its 2am or high noon the glasses have to be on, which is somewhat ridiculous and of course a dead giveaway to who is the spy. But you wonder if he or she the spy, great actor Charlie Chan didn’t care to much for the little hairy thingamajig at the bottom of his lip, never could figure out how to eat with chop sticks either.
Now that I have decided to spy on my wife, I am faced with a little bit of a dilemma; I do not really have a good reason to spy on her. You see after forty years of marriage one pretty much knows what the other half of their personality is up to. However, I still feel a need to seek out the underlying cause of what really goes on in that time void she has created, you know that grocery store abyss wives seem to fall head first into. It is a time void, a void of any time for me waiting at home for my snack. My wife has this strange ability to disappear for long periods at a time, by long I mean two hours at tops, nevertheless at sixty-nine two hours is an eternity and not to mention three quarters of football with a nap thrown in for good measure.
She seems to enjoy taking off on those little escapades’ of hers right after those magic words. You know the catch phrase we husbands look for, our mental note to get ready for Armageddon, or meat loaf. Mary’s that is my wife by the way, her catch phrase is, “Dear I’ll be back in five minutes, we need milk”. I know it is a rather long catch-phrase-by-catch-phrase standard; however its effective and two hours later she’ll return with a two week supply of goat cheese and no milk. Reason to spy, I will let you decide.
I’ve given some thought too, and did the mathematics on how it is nearly impossible to spend two hours shopping for milk, to come back with more goat cheese than Madelyn Miller the TravelLady eats in a year and I’m told she eats a lot of goat cheese, lives off the stuff,. It just does not add up perhaps I should spy on Madelyn, or the people that make goat cheese.
Spying on one’s wife seems to be one of those things men naturally think about, not that I spend a great deal of time thinking about my wife, I do not. However, when I do its only instinctive to wonder what she is up to, like breathing. Strange how the mind works, one minute you are completely thoughtless, the next minute you got an itch you cannot reach.
It is only expected to be concerned about one’s spouse, which is just how my mind works. Men do not have to put a great deal of thought into solving simple tasks the solution comes instinctively to us. My wife on the other hand agrees to disagree with my last statement. She is always asking me in a kind of pointed manner why I leave the toilet seat up. To her it is a simple matter of putting the seat back down, in my defense, I have explained to her; by leaving, the seat up it frees my mind of unnecessary contemplation so I can concentrate on more pressing things at hand. Like an emergency dash to the john.
Forty seconds is about as long as a time out last in football and you never know what commercials you have not seen. I have to get in and get out, man logic I point out to her.
I have explained my logical approach to solving two problems at once; I do not think she gets it. Hard to figure she just shakes her head at me and says. “I’ll be back dear in five minutes we need milk.” Two hours later well you guessed it damn goat cheese.
|
