This witty and Charming book offers a quick read and guarantees to put a smile on the face of anyone, regardless of how depressed they may be. It offers hilarious and real world advice for people facing the horrible tragedy of divorce. Don't just Survive divorce, HAVE FUN WITH IT!!
Excerpt
Who We Are
Why We Are the Experts
Both of the authors of this book have been divorced twice. Most of our friends are divorced. It is pretty common for us to meet a jilted lover who is going through a divorce, boo-hoo-ing about how hurt they are. We have spent many hours discussing tactics and strategies to help our friends deal with their ex’s. Occasionally, we meet someone new who has not figured out how to go about divorcing their spouse without losing half of their stuff, or who are allowing their soon-to-be ex to make their life miserable with both legal and mind games.
We are very indulgent with these people. We will listen to their sad sob stories for all of sixty seconds before we tell them that they have a choice. They can continue to play victim to their ex’s vile temperament, or they can become someone that their ex does not want to mess with. It is their choice. If you are going through a divorce from the standpoint of the person refusing to be abused, we will get drunk with you and spend the night laughing and helping you to plot against your ex. We do not even charge for this service because it is so much FUN! However, if you are approaching this situation as the victim, we will get you drunk and take notes of how skillfully your ex is playing you. Then, once you leave, we will spend the night laughing at you and getting drunk without you, so that we are prepared to rake your stupid ass over the coals the next time we see you. Hell, we may even call your ex, and congratulate him on what a fine job he is doing. If you want sympathy, get a shrink or a support group. We have heard you can find sympathy between shit and syphilis; check Webster’s. We are not your best bet.
There are always choices in life. There are two ways you can end this “thing.” The most important step you can take is to remember that this is a temporary situation. You may hold your head high and handle this time with grace and dignity. Or, you can lose control and spew hate and pain to everyone around you. You can whine and cry until everyone in your vicinity cringes when you open your mouth. Is that how you get what you want? We hope not.
If you choose the former, we can help you. If you insist on taking the latter, our philosophies will not apply to your self-imposed prison. We will suggest some very simple techniques that will simplify your situation and spare you from embarrassing yourself. You need ask yourself some really tough questions. You may not even need a divorce. We’ll help you decide when you’ve had enough. How do you know when to walk away?
Marriage is the most important business investment you will make in your entire life. Some of us were too lax in choosing our spouse in the first place. Others chose carefully only to find out that their spouse horribly misrepresented themselves. Finally, the worst reason ever for getting married: “I had to.” Whether knocked up, indicted, or trapped, it never works out when you look at marriage as an obligation. Whatever the case may be in your situation, the end result is always the same: Divorce Sorry!
We’re not big proponents of a huge amount of risk; however, in order to get ahead, you have to roll the dice. As far as choosing a partner, we’re the last people on the planet to ask. We’d just like to say for the record that there is absolutely no room for error when choosing a mate. Even when the whole deal looks golden, you can still screw up. We’re just the best people to tell you when to walk out; it’s our specialty. We can talk until we’re blue in the face about how to choose a mate; however, if that’s the market you’re in, boy, did you buy the wrong book!
“No fault divorce” not only sucks, but it is a lie! It is always someone’s fault. There are three reasons to file for divorce. “I changed my mind,” or “I need to find myself’ are not reasons, they are excuses. Even “I’m gay” doesn’t let you off the hook. You should have known about that before you took your vows. You’re probably not gay, just greedy. If you hit it once, it can’t be that bad. Buck up and live with it. It’s no reason to ruin a family: just don’t screw around on your spouse. It’s far too dangerous with the plethora of venereal diseases out there. Wouldn’t it suck if your spouse gave you AIDS or some other horrible disease that will drain your children’s trust fund before it will let you die?
This brings us to the first deal breaker. Cheating! If you cheated or if you married a cheater, throw in the towel. You will never get over it and neither will your mate. It will always be there, no matter what you do. It doesn’t matter why it happened; it doesn’t even really matter where or who. What counts is that it did happen, and you need to retain an attorney immediately. Of course, with no-fault divorce, you’ll still pay out the ass, but it is always better to end it sooner rather than later. Otherwise, you will spend the rest of your life fearful of when it will happen again, or resenting and torturing your spouse for something he did to you ten years ago. Either way, you’re scared or you will become a nag, so it’s best just to walk away and torture your wretched ex from afar.
If you were the one that cheated and you got away with it, for the love of God, Don’t Ever Confess. Thank your lucky stars that you got away with it and promise yourself it will never happen again. The most selfish thing you can do is dump it on your blissfully unaware partner. If you want to get caught, get caught and get out, it’s kindest to everyone involved.
The second reason to get out is abuse. Be it physical or verbal, there is no excuse for it. If you are being abused and it happens more than once, you’re at fault too. If you are the abuser, why in the hell would you want to be involved with a door mat? You can’t respect yourself or your partner if abuse (either physical or mental) is part of your relationship dynamic. If your spouse is a bully or if you are a punching bag, someone needs to rally the brain cells and get the hell out before one of you winds up dead or serving life without parole.
Abuse is confusing. There are people who whine constantly and need their asses kicked. If their parents didn’t raise them right, than you shouldn’t be married to them in the first place. On the other hand, hitting, name calling, and property damage should be considered abuse and someone needs to hit the bricks. Everyone is going to fight, but you need to fight fair. Unless you can keep it above the belt, divorce is on the horizon.
The third reason (and our favorite deal breaker) is addiction. It can be drugs, alcohol, work or sex (not with your spouse, ask Hillary). There is no way you can live with someone that suffers from addiction. They’re so fucked up it is best if you just run them off. Leave them to their addiction; they love it more than you anyway. If you are a glutton for punishment, you can stick around and try to help, but you’re more of a hindrance because you’re too close to the situation to be of any good to anyone, especially yourself. We are friends with a lot of “addictive” people but that’s where it has got to stop. These people can’t care about anyone else because they don’t even give a damn about themselves.
These are called “deal breakers” for a reason. There is a 99.9% chance of the offender repeating the offense. If you feel you need or deserve to go through this horrible thing every five to seven years, by all means enjoy your existence as a victim, and quit whining so the rest of us can get on with our lives! We don’t want to hear about it all the time.
Be honest with yourself when considering divorce. If you have one or more of the three deal breakers, you can try whatever you want, but it’s not going to work out. No need to take our word for it. Go ahead and try - no skin off our noses! No matter what you do, or how hard you try, you’ll wind up in divorce court sooner or later. It’s always better sooner, because it’s cheaper and less painful, believe it or not. You need to do some serious soul searching when making your decision, because there is no going back once you have made up your mind. If your spouse made up your mind for you, you’re still screwed. Just keep a stiff upper lip and get through it the best you can. Acceptance is where you need to have your head at this point.
The whole situation is tragic and needs to be treated as such. Divorce and death have too much in common. If your dog, mom, or dad died, you wouldn’t be expected to just brush it off and be fine the next day. Divorce is the same way. We take divorce for granted in our society, and that really sucks. Don’t push yourself too hard at first.
Give yourself a break, and if there are some days when you just can’t cope, then don’t. This is war and if you go in weak, you’re going to lose. You’ve got to have your head straight and never, never let emotion get involved, at least if the sun is up. This is strictly a business situation and you need to be able to treat it as such. Be a hard ass. Never back down unless you have no other options. They may whine and bawl but you need to be immune to it. So many times intelligent people wind up going back for the same thing over and over. Stay strong no matter what. You are doing the right thing, it doesn’t matter how bad it gets. It’s kind of like childbirth: you really, really want it over as soon as possible, and you don’t want to repeat it anytime soon.
A humorous look at the world and life through my eyes.
Follow the author and his wife, as they travel the world …. several times over.
Laugh at their funny stories, self-inflicted crazy events, strange observations, wacky zoo facts and snippets
The Wholly Book of Doo-Doo-Rot-on-Me is adult satirical humor featuring adult language and adult content, and the work is a parody of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy.
