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Category:
Humor
What happens when four brothas decide to get tattoos?
INT. DAVID'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
We come into DAVID'S living room to see MIKE, RON, and TYRIQ
sitting on the couch watching TV and drinking beer. David is
behind them at the fridge getting more beer. While watching
TV, the guys start snapping on each other.
RON
Dawg, yo mama is so stupid, she
tripped over a cordless phone.
MIKE
Shit, yo mama is so stupid it takes
her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Tyriq starts changing the channels when he stops and sees 50 Cent's "21 Questions" video.
TYRIQ
Yo, yo check this out. Look at
that fool 50 Cent. The girls act
all wild for him. Why? He ain't
all that. They be plenty of
brothas who rap like that.
RON
I feel ya. Everybody on his jock
now.
MIKE
Watch, he ain't gonna be here in
two years.
David finally comes back with the beer and has his say on the
matter.
DAVID
Yeah, somebody will figure out that
they need to shoot him ten times
instead of nine.
TYRIQ
Took yo ass long enough.
RON
Yeah really. Where'd you get the
beer … Chicago?
DAVID
Man, shut up, Ron. You ain't never
been to Chicago. Hell, thanks to
'mommy' you ain't even been outta
the state.
RON
Man, shut up. It's just a
temporary living arrangement while
I get my own place.
TYRIQ
Dawg, eight years ain't temporary.
That's a marriage.
RON
Yeah, whatever, Ty. You acting
like you married to 50 Cent the way
you talking 'bout him all the time.
TYRIQ
Man, whatever. I try to step to
honeys and they all like 'You gotta
be like 50 to step to me.' I'm
like what the fuck?
MIKE
I think it's dem tattoos that got
all dem girls wet.
TYRIQ
Hell yeah it's dem tats. Yo Dave,
that's whacha need right there, a
tattoo.
DAVID
What the fuck would I need a tattoo
for?
TYRIQ
Shit you tryin' to holla at ol'
girl, right?
DAVID
Lisa? Yeah.
TYRIQ
Yeah, Lisa, dat bitch.
DAVID
Hey man, Lisa ain't a bitch aight.
I hate it when you guys call 'em
dat.
RON
Why? 'cause you one?
The guys share a collective "ooh" on that remark.
DAVID
Man, forget you, I ain't like that.
At least I don't live with "my
mommy".
MIKE
Why don't both of you quit acting
like little bitches. D, you wanna
impress ol' girl, right?
DAVID
Yeah I wanna impress her.
MIKE
Well, you need to get dat tat.
TYRIQ
Well, I dunno about you Dave, but
I'm a get me one. Probably get me
a Heisman tattoo to remind me of my
playing days. Man, I was the
meanest son of a bitch out there.
I ever tell you guys I got 5 sacks
in a game?
RON
(begrudgingly)
Yeah, enough times to make us feel
we made those sacks.
TYRIQ
Man, shut up. Anyway, I'm getting
a tat. Dave, come on, tell me I
ain't gonna be the only one.
There is a brief pause as David mulls over the decision to
get a tattoo. The other guys look at David to hear his
decision.
DAVID
Aight, I'm a get me one.
TYRIQ
That's what I'm talking about, be a
man. What about you, Ron?
RON
Man, my mom would kill me.
TYRIQ
Dawg, fuck your moms. You gonna
let her run your whole life? When
you gonna be your own man?
RON
Don't say that about my mom, she
takes care of me.
TYRIQ
Dawg, you 26, you need to be taking
care of yourself. Get a tat, it'll
be the start.
Now Ron gets to think about getting a tattoo. Nine years
ago, Ron decided that he wanted to get his driver's license,
but his mom convinced him not to worry about getting one,
she'll take him where he needs to go. He's never bothered
getting it since.
RON
Fuck it, I'm a get one.
DAVID
There you go, Ron!
TYRIQ
Hell yeah Ron, get a break from
mom!
Feeling left out, Mike too, decides that he wants to get a
tattoo.
MIKE
Shit, if ya'll getting one, I'm a
get one too.
TYRIQ
Of course. You always gotta hop on
something, bunny rabbit.
Mike does not have an ounce of original thought. When Tyriq
went to Fort Valley, Mike had to follow suit. When David
tried to get a job with Cox Communications, so did Mike.
Mike was never real popular when he was younger, so to fit
in, he would just follow along with what the crowd does. If
the kids were wearing Nautica, so was he. If the kids were
listening to 69 Boyz, so was he; it was the only way, he
thought, he could be accepted.
MIKE
Whatever, man.
DAVID
Aight, we go tomorrow.
TYRIQ
Tomorrow? Shit, let's bounce now.
We ain't doing nuthin'.
RON
Now? Damn you wanna get some
tonight, don't you?
TYRIQ
Hell yeah, I'm about to show these
girls what a real man is.
RON
Aight, we go now, let's bounce.
We'll take your Navigator, D.
DAVID
Who the hell are you to say which
car we taking, Mr. Bicycle Man?
The guys all laugh at that witty retort.
TYRIQ
But yours IS the biggest, D.
DAVID
Fine, but ya'll better not mess up
my Nav'.
David, Ron, Mike, and Tyriq all get their jackets and get
into David's Navigator to head to the tattoo parlor. The
guys arrive at the tattoo parlor and look around to see a guy
with tattoos walking with two girls. Tyriq nudges David and
whispers to him.
TYRIQ
(sotto)
See what I'm talking about.
David only musters a smile at Tyriq's comment as the party of
three walks past them. The guys continue to walk and enter
the parlor to see tattoo designs all over the walls.
Piercing material is showcased in display cases. A curtain
cordons off the actual tattoo/piercing area. A GREETER sees
the four customers and walks up to them.
GREETER
What can I do for you today?
RON
(smiling)
We're here to get tattoos.
GREETER
OK, then walk this way.
The greeter directs them to two large black binders on one of
the piercing display cases.
GREETER (CONT'D)
These binders contain all the
designs available. If you want a
design not in the binders, you'll
have to submit a picture a week in
advance. Why don't you look over
the designs? I'll come back for
your decision.
The greeter leaves the guys to look over the designs. As the
guys are looking over the designs, a scream is heard from
behind the curtain. All four guys jump.
DAVID
What was that?
RON
Man, I dunno about this.
TYRIQ
Quit being pussies, that guy just
ain't a man.
MIKE
You know what? I never wanted a
tattoo anyway. I think I'm a sit
this one out.
TYRIQ
What? Man, you a straight punk.
MIKE
Whatever. I just don't want to do
it. I just said yeah because all
ya'll wanted to do it.
TYRIQ
Well, damn, you finally grown some
balls.
TYRIQ (CONT'D)
(to David and Ron)
But ya'll still in, right?
DAVID AND RON
Yeah.
GREETER
Have you made your decisions?
TYRIQ
Yeah, I'm ready. I'm probably
gonna get my whole arm tattooed.
The greeter takes Tyriq's statement with a grain of salt
knowing too many of Tyriq's type who end up chickening out
just like the guy who just screamed. The greeter motions
Tyriq to the curtain. The greeter pulls back the curtain to
reveal 4 stations- one empty, one with the screaming man
getting up red-eyed leaving, one with an apprehensive female
customer and tattoo artist about to begin work, and one with
a tattoo artist waiting on Tyriq. The curtain closes as
Tyriq enters the station. Tyriq looks at the red-eyed
customer leaving and get nervous. He turns his head to see
the other customer getting ready to be worked on also welling
up in the eyes.
TATTOO ARTIST
Take a seat
Tyriq ever so slowly, complies. Back in the front of the
parlor, the guys are discussing the odds of Tyriq going
through with getting tattoos.
DAVID
So, you think he gonna chicken out?
RON
Tyriq? Nah, he's gonna do it.
Apparently to answer David's questions, another scream is
heard from behind the curtain; this one deeper than the one
before. The three guys look at each other and each wonder if
that was Tyriq screaming. They immediately dismiss that
thought shaking their head, remembering how macho Tyriq is.
DAVID, RON, AND MIKE
Nah!
Tyriq comes from behind the curtain looking exhausted, like
he pulled a muscle. He sees the guys and immediately puts on
his macho façade. Ron sees this change and confronts Tyriq
about the scream he heard.
RON
Ty, was that you screaming like a
little bitch?
TYRIQ
Man, hell naw. What kind of man
you take me for?
DAVID
Well, where's the tat?
Tyriq holds out his right arm. The guys take Tyriq's arms
and try to look at the tat. The greeter comes over and asks
who's next. David answers the call and is ushered behind the
curtain.
TYRIQ
Be careful, it hur...uh, the ink is
still drying.
MIKE
Man, I don't see nothing.
RON
Here it is.
Ron points to a jagged line on Tyriq's arm.
TYRIQ
Nah, that's just an old scar. It's
right over here.
Tyriq then points to the Chinese symbol above the scar.
MIKE
What does it mean?
TYRIQ
The hell if I know, the tattoo
artist said it fit me.
A man comes over and asks to look at the tattoo. Once he
sees the tattoo, he begins to laugh.
TYRIQ
Man, why you laughing for?
MAN
(still laughing)
That's the symbol for chicken.
The guys bust out laughing.
RON
So that WAS you screaming like a
little bitch.
Tyriq finally comes clean with what happens there and tries
to justify himself.
TYRIQ
Man, that needle hurt. It was like
the dude was stabbing me.
David comes out smiling, turning his arm to the guys to show
a barbed-wire tattoo.
RON
Damn, that's tight!
MIKE
Hell yeah, D, that's a nice tat.
GREETER
Alright, who's next?
RON
I am.
The greeter ushers Ron behind the curtain as Mike fills David
in on Tyriq's tattoo. While Ron is getting worked on, LISA
slinks toward David. LISA is here with her girlfriend, who's
getting worked on.
LISA
That's a nice tattoo there.
DAVID
(smiling)
Thanks.
The two get to talking and exchange numbers for a date later
in the evening. Lisa's friend comes out and the two women
leave. As Lisa is leaving, she gives David a warm smile and
an enticing wave. Tyriq and Mike flank David and start
shaking him.
TYRIQ
Aww yeah, that's my dawg! I told
you getting that tat would do the
trick.
TYRIQ (CONT'D)
(sotto)
And now you might just get to DO
the trick, if you know what I mean.
David knows exactly what Tyriq means and gets a big smile on
his face.
MIKE
What the hell is taking Ron so long
anyway?
Mike's answer emerges from behind the curtain shirtless. Ron
has a tattoo on his left breast and shoulder a-la The Rock.
He walks over to Mike and Tyriq and turns his back to them
revealing the bald eagle in a spread pose. David, Mike, and
Tyriq's jaws drop.
RON
Am I a mama's boy, now?
DAVID
DAMN! You went all out!
RON
Mom's gonna freak, but I don't give
a fuck.
MIKE
There you go, man, that's how to do
it.
TYRIQ
Damn, look at tat. You are the
fucking man, Ron!
The guys leave the tattoo parlor satisfied and head back to
David's place.
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