Amazon Bob Frey Books Category:  Literary Fiction Publisher: Van Fleet Books ISBN-10:  0983275424 Type: Fiction Pages: 166 Copyright: June 15, 2011 ISBN-13: 9780983275428 Catawampus Tales run the gambit from sci-fi to satire, horror, and everything in between. Each story is somewhat askew or catawampus--a mixed bag of fast food for the mind. What if there really was such a thing as a superhero, what problems might he or she face? Supermale's Gone and Left Us provides some humorous answers.             A horny bachelor goes looking for a streetwalker and runs into trouble with gangbangers in When Push Comes to Shove.             A nerd wakes up in Sugar and the Bikers in a room in which he did not fall asleep. A peevish individual informs him that he left the nerd’s pretty wife downtown with a couple of bikers.             Zombie Fight Song tells the story of how a college boy inadvertently finds the perfect cure for womanizing.             In Oh, That Catherine the Great, an insecure young man at lunch with his boss and two co-workers encounters some strange conversation.             Trials of a Vampire Hunter begins where most vampire tales end. A vampire hunter is apprehended by the police just after he drives a stake through his quarry’s heart.             A shy, little man is miserable because he lacks the ability to make Small Talk. How does he overcome his social ineptitude?             In The Incendiary Man, a group of people are on the run from a fiery monster. Funny thing is nobody seems to be aware of this menace but them.             An immature, out-of-work daydreamer buys a Saturday night special and plots a murder in Unemployment Benefits.                               Excerpt Supermale’s Gone and Left Us “Yeah, he’s gone. Some people don’t know a good thing when they see it. He was the straightest shooter I ever met, bar none. He came into this town and squared it away in a hurry. Had gangsters, murderers, con men shaking in their boots. Bad guys such as Lou Lucifer and Brainless either were incarcerated or hightailed it back to where they came from. The average Joe and Jane breathed a lot easier just knowing he was around. I know I did.” We were sitting in the fifth floor office of Benjamin Dimwitter, immigration attorney, located in the Card Building across the street from the Daily Orb in the city of Megalopolis. Since Dimwitter had been reported to be a confidant to Supermale as well as his lawyer, I had talked him into giving me the inside story on the superhero’s disappearance. I took in his hangdog face, the sorrowful eyes, the gloomy mouth. It was easy to see he was deeply troubled. He looked as if he had lost his best friend. And maybe he had. I opened my notepad and looked back up. “When did it all start?” Dimwitter frowned. “Hard to say, Marcus. From day one if I don’t miss my guess. Some nuts were against him right from the get go. You know, because he was an alien, didn’t have a license to fly, or they thought he had religious overtones like the second coming of Christ.” He gazed at me so sadly I thought he was about to cry, or maybe I was, he appeared so woebegone. “You know, sometimes I wonder about the people in this burg. At times, they seem to think and act as though they are the most ignorant and stupidest human beings on the face of the earth. They’ll believe, or at least a good percentage of them will believe, anything the politicos tell them. Imagine, assuming Cal was a socialist because he wanted to help the poor, or thinking he was a fascist like General Sod and wanted to take over the world. What a bunch of hooey.” “Did you say Cal?” “Yeah, that’s his real name, Cal-El. I felt a little stupid calling him Supermale all the time. It was the moniker he was given on his native planet. He was an alien, you know. That’s where all the trouble began.” One Thursday afternoon, Dimwitter was hard at work in his office when his secretary buzzed him and gushed that Supermale was on the phone. He grinned. He figured the call was just a joke and that one of his friends, probably his good buddy, Mario, was trying to put one over on him. But, no, Mildred, his secretary, insisted the caller was the superhero. “Okay,” he said. “Put him on.” “Hello, Mr. Dimwitter?” The voice surprised him. It was pleasant enough, but it sounded gentle, almost like a fruit or a fairy. He couldn’t believe it belonged to the man of alloy. Nevertheless, he said, “Yeah, this is Mr. Dimwitter. How may I help you?” “Mr. Dimwitter, this is Supermale. I would like to come in and talk with you, sir. It seems I’m in trouble with the Department of Homeland Security. It appears they want to deport me.” “Is this some kind of a joke?” The next thing he knew, his buzzer rang. “Supermale’s in the waiting room, Ben,” Mildred said. “Should I let him come in?” Dimwitter almost swallowed his teeth. “Sure, send him in.” The door opened and in the crime fighter marched. He was a very imposing figure in his lemon-drop tights, bigger than he came across on the tube. And he was handsome as all get out. With his all-American good looks, anyone would have guessed he came from the Midwest somewhere, somewhere such as Kansas or Indiana. Anyway, he strode across the room, they shook hands, and Dimwitter invited him to have a seat. “Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, sir.” “You’re welcome. And you can forget that sir stuff, Supermale. Just call me Ben.” “Okay, Ben. It seems that the DHS has issued a notice for me to appear before an immigration judge because I entered the country illegally and have no official permission to be in the United States. If I don’t appear, I could be in a whole lot of trouble, maybe even deported.” “That’s ridiculous, absolutely absurd. After all the good you have done for this country. Have you been served the notice?” “No, I saw it on television, on the evening news.” “Then you don’t have to go. They have to serve you the notice in person.” “But I know they want me, Ben. It would be dishonest and unpatriotic for me not to appear.” “Well, I couldn’t talk him out of it, no matter what,” Dimwitter said, shrugging and peering at me with downcast eyes. “One of the criticisms tossed at him is he’s too honest, too noble. Yeah, can you imagine somebody being criticized because he’s too good? But, sadly, that’s what the world has come to. In a time when everybody’s out for number one, it’s simply inconceivable to some people that a guy like him would not have an ulterior motive. That’s the way the yahoos think nowadays.” Dimwitter ran a hand over his face and sighed. “Anyway, as I said, I failed to talk him out of it, so off we go to the judge. Sure enough, they’ve started removal proceedings against Cal. The judge was real snotty about it too. I managed to post bail, get a Relief from Removal, a kind of a temporary stay, so we could go back, and get our ducks in order to fight this miscarriage of justice. Otherwise, she would have put him in the slammer right then and there, and God knows what would have happened to him.” Dimwitter grinned, or at least I thought it was a grin. The way he bared his teeth, it was hard to tell. “It was pretty nice traveling with Supermale though,” he continued, “sailing through the sky like that. As you can imagine, it was really something special. I was a little spooked at first, but he’s so strong he carried me like a baby and I felt perfectly safe. When we got back to my office, I asked him a few questions. The situation didn’t look good.” Dimwitter leaned back in his chair and stared at the superhero. “Now let me get this straight, Supermale. You have no visible means of support and you’re not the child, sibling, or spouse of a US citizen, correct?” Supermale blushed. “Well I was married once but that was under another name, my alter ego.” “So you live a double life? You have a secret identity and pretend to be just an ordinary slob like the rest of us?” “Correct.” “Is this alter ego a US citizen?” “Yes, I believe he is, but if I identified him, he would never have any peace. Even if they meant well, people wouldn’t let him alone.” “Yeah, I can see that, people being people. This place you came from, Cramden, I’ll check but I’m almost sure it doesn’t have a reciprocal visa arrangement with the US. Since your deportment wouldn’t result in any undue financial hardship for anybody, I guess we’ll have to go with outstanding ability or maybe asylum.” Dimwitter nodded at me, pushed back his chair, and stood up. “I have to go to the can. Perhaps after, we can take a break and have some lunch.” “Sounds good,” I said. I loosened my tie and glanced at my notes. So Supermale had a wife. It didn’t seem possible. With his super strength, if he took a female in his arms and embraced her, he would crush her like a grape. Even if he had control over his body, in the heat of passion, he was liable to lose it, especially when he ejaculated. During orgasm, all living creatures lost control over their muscles. It was a scientific fact. And what about his sperm? The wad would probably come out like a guided missile and go right through her. Even if it didn’t, his dick would. Like the rest of his body, that thing was made of steel. It would be like having sex with a high-speed power drill. He might use a condom, but what kind of a rubber would it take to hold a super load? I chuckled. He could always pull out. But who knows where the sperm would end up? Possibly impregnate females all over the city. In nine months, there would either be an army of super babies or deformed monsters if his semen wasn’t compatible with the human egg. At any rate, sex with him would be pretty dull with him holding back all the time so he wouldn’t hurt the woman he was making love to. Either that or because he was faster than a speeding bullet, it would be all over before the woman got any pleasure from it. No wonder his wife had divorced him, if that’s what happened. What self-respecting female would want to put up with lovemaking such as that?

Deliciously Eclectic
Known for his satirical style, Bob Frey does not disappoint in "Catawampus Tales," a collection of short stories that range from humorous to outrageous, and can be categorized as "deliciously eclectic." Just when you feel like you know what's going to happen next, Frey jolts you with a twist. The arrangement of short stories is such that they bounce from science fiction to a romantic fantasy, and everything in between--there's definitely something for the avid and casual reader. The memorable stories of the collection are "Zombie Fight Song," and "Supermale's Gone and Left Us." Simply put, if you like books where the flow is nearly impeccable, easy to read--without losing any of the substance--and a sense of humor, this is it. --J R Shah, Amazon

Entertaining collection
Bob Frey's "Catawampus Tales" are... catawampus. Frey continues his satirical style that readers have come to love in his past works with this eclectic collection of stories, comprised of every genre imaginable, from science fiction to horror to paranormal to fantasy, with characters ranging from nerds to vampires and everything in between. Frey showcases his prowess for various genres through his stories that exhibit equal skill in all types of stories, keeping readers completely riveted through his continually shifting types of stories. If you enjoyed "The Bashful Vampire Murder & Comic Book Murders" or are simply looking for an entertaining read that is a departure from the ordinary, "Catawampus Tales" is certain to become a favorite collection of stories.--J.W.Batlarge, Amazon

An unexpected surprise
Catawampus Tales is a compilation of Bob Frey's short stories, ranging from satire and sci-fi to horror and fantasy. With intriguing titles such as "Supermale's Gone and Left Us," "When Push Comes to Shove," "Sugar and the Bikers," and "Zombie Fight Song," the audience's curiosity will be put to the ultimate test in each of these short stories. Short story subjects include horny bachelors, nerds, college life, the corporate world, vampires, and much more. Catawampus Tales is easy and a relatively quick read, filled with humor and bizarre scene after scene. Beneath all the craziness, Catawampus Tales is well-written with a meaningful message about the role of men in society. If you want to read romance, comedy, thriller, or horror, this is the perfect book--it has something for everyone. Frey's collection is unique and has unexpected surprises packed in every short story. For readers looking for something different, something catchy, and something that packs endless punch and energy, Catawampus Tales is a must read.Minir Shah, Amazon