Kindle Edition Download from Smashwords (eBook) Amazon Who Got Liz? Category:  Women Publisher: YouWriteOn ISBN-10:  184923888X Type: Fiction Pages: 356 Copyright: April 17, 2009 ISBN-13: 9781849238885 Liz joins a high school website and enters a chat room ( undetected) filled with male classmates she knew thirty years ago. She witnesses a testosterone-laden dialogue leading to the question " who got Liz Gardner?" This world wide circle jerk catapults her into into a review of her life and the choices that led to the "one who got her". WHO GOT LIZ GARDNER, by Elizabeth Allen, is a coming-of-age novel about the (mis)adventures of a dysfunctional, self-centered but essentially good-hearted aspiring actress growing up during the hedonistic 80s and 90s. A first-person narrative, the story is mostly set in New York City and later Los Angeles, as Liz pursues her twin goals of finding A) a career in acting, and B) a decent man (The One). Both of these goals prove elusive, though not from any lack of trying on Liz's part. The daughter of a five-time drama queen divorcee and a thoroughly despicable wealthy philandering shrink, Liz starts out with more psychological baggage than most people collect in a lifetime. It's no surprise that she soon seeks out male companionship to fill her emotional void, or that the assorted men she beds invariably prove to be disposable ciphers. But instead of caving in and becoming a basket case, Liz summons up her inner moxie and sets out on her quest to find a good life and someone with whom to share it.       Excerpt I was a very young child the last time I was in a captive situation for hours with my mother. We were all going to be in a car for at least seven. I tried not to anticipate the worst, but braced myself mentally for Mom. Debbie and I packed a few things, swung by to pick Mom up, and began our trip to Atlanta in my Gremlin. Since it was my car, I took the wheel. Ninety minutes out of Tampa and Mom was already languishing from the heat. I ran the air conditioning, but it wasn’t freezing enough for her. And we’re off! The more she whined and overdramatized how she was melting, the more she amused Debbie, who had never seen a grown woman bellyache so much. “I can’t breathe, I’m melting.” From the back seat I heard Debbie giggle. Before long both of us were laughing like hyenas. “You think it’s so FUNNY? I could have a STROKE! The two of you are WITCHES!” Mom screamed the last word of every sentence. I pulled over and bought a bag of ice. “Mom, here,” tossing the cold bag at her feet. She stuffed a washcloth with ice and dabbed her neck and forehead. “That’s better. Oy was I shvitsing!” Debbie shot me a comical look in the rearview mirror as if to ask, “What did she just say?” We had only driven as far north as Gainesville when we stopped for dinner. Mom decided we should stop for the day and stay at a hotel. The evening was relatively uneventful. Mom was in total fantasy land as she regaled Debbie with tales of our wonderful relationship. In the morning, we had breakfast and hit the road again. No more than twenty minutes crossing the Georgia state line, Mom was bored and started to bristle her quills. We had been playing word games like Password, twenty questions, etc., and Mom decided to introduce a really fun concept. “Let’s name the presidents and state capitals!” I was a pretty decent student, but I couldn’t name presidents in order, and truth be told, I’m still challenged with at least half the state capitals. The game began. Mom zeroed in on Debbie and started grilling her. “Let’s start with something easy. Debbie, can you tell me at least three presidents from this century?” The little girl chewed on her lower lip and looked to the floor as if the answer might roll out from underneath the driver’s seat, “um, I think, um…Kennedy?” “There’s one,” Mom counted. Despite the pressure, Debbie wanted to please her. She furrowed her brow, gritted her teeth and squeezed out “Washington and Jefferson?” “THIS CENTURY DEAR!” Mom cackled viciously a la Joan Crawford. Debbie tried her best, but with every incorrect answer, Mom made her feel stupid and insignificant. My mother had a mean streak in her that was rarely shown, but when she was bad, she was horrible. I had grown up with her so I had the tools necessary to handle her attacks. Debbie, on the other hand, was a complete innocent. She didn’t understand what my mother was doing or why. And once Radiance was on a roll, she wouldn’t stop. “Obviously we’re getting nowhere with presidents. Let’s try state capitals. Lizzie? What’s the capital of New York?” “Brooklyn!” I declared with absolute confidence. Mom crinkled her brow and quietly tapped her index finger on her lips for a moment and then, “Is it?” “Is it?” I parroted. Mom cocked her head to the side, “I thought it was New York, New York like the song.” I laughed out loud, “Jeez Mom! It’s Albany! How can you moderate a game if you don’t even know the correct answers?” Mom shot me a burning glare. Oh shit. I just poked the beehive a little too hard. “Debbie, it’s your turn. What is the capital of Florida? You should know this, dear. After all, you live here,” she hissed with tension in her lips, her unblinking glare fixed on her prey. Again Debbie referenced any files in her brain which might provide the answer and then looked out the window to the sky and clouds for enlightenment. For her sake, I prayed she knew the correct answer, but all hope was dashed as she guessed, “Miami?” “OH MY GOD! Do you go to school? What grade are you in? It’s Tallahassee, for God’s sake! Does that even ring a bell?” She ripped ferociously into this poor child. “MOM! That’s enough! Leave her alone!” I pounded the steering wheel and tried to concentrate on my driving. Debbie was weeping and Mom literally told her to suck it up. I was desperately trying to stop the attack, pumping the brakes to throw Mom off balance, but nothing fazed her. She had sunken her fangs deep into this victim and was intoxicated with the taste of blood. “Perhaps,” she suggested, “if you’d spent more time on your studies and less time eating, darling, you might have retained something vaguely resembling an education.” Oh hell no. She just surpassed the boundaries of tactlessness and indecency. Mom wouldn’t stop. The momentum was irresistible. “Why does your mom hate me?” Debbie whimpered as she sucked back a sob. I pulled over and hit the brakes. The shit had hit the fan. We stopped on the median of Interstate 75. Dead silence in the car. “Apologize to Debbie. Now!” “I will not. I’m the adult here.” She stood her ground as if her advanced age justified cruel and abusive behavior. “Could’ve fooled me” I growled back like a mother tiger protecting her young. All parties were silent for the longest two minutes and then, “Mom, get out of the car.” She turned pale, as did Debbie, and then started to laugh. “I’m not kidding.” And she knew it. She had gone too far. At that point, I didn’t care if she apologized. I wanted this toxic troll out of the car. She had spewed her venom for the last time. I was livid and even though she became penitent, I was too far gone. “I said GET OUT!” Mom gave me an adrenalized stare and then tried to get tough. “You can’t do this to me. I’m your mother.” “I know who you are. Get out.” She wouldn’t budge. I took the keys from the ignition, got out, and walked around to the passenger side. Mom locked the door and held the handle with all her strength. “Stop it! Lizzie, honey, PLEASE!” I put the key in her door and firmly pulled the handle while turning the key. She fell back away from the open door as she clutched her purse. I grabbed her arms and literally pulled her out kicking and screaming. My adrenalin was pumping too, but she only weighed about ninety pounds, so the extraction wasn’t too difficult. Once she was out, I pushed in the lock and slammed the passenger door. Mom maintained a shocked silence of disbelief as I walked around to the driver’s side, got in, and drove off. Mom thought I was bluffing in order to scare her. Debbie sure thought I was, until I picked up speed and really put some distance between us. I briefly saw Mom in the rearview mirror, stunned and defeated. We were too far away to see the transition to fear and panic.

This isn't for chicks - this is for WOMEN: Funny, raw and entertaining
Plot Summary: Maybe our first question should be, who IS Liz Gardner? She's an aspiring actress, a part time waitress (no surprise there), and a hopeless nut when it comes to relationships. The novel begins with Liz finding herself the subject of an online chat room filled with men from her high school days. And then, just like a Woody Allen film, we see scenes from her childhood, her adolescence, and finally, the adult Liz emerges. She's sort of broken, sometimes funny, and endlessly entertaining.

What I'm about to say is usually the kiss of death, but I sincerely mean this in the best way possible -- this novel would be an excellent pick for a book club. I want so badly to dissect this with someone right now, but I'm flying solo here. Ah well. I'm happy to say that this is not another chick lit novel, and if I had to put it in a box, I'd classify it as women's lit. Liz's life is messy, the sex isn't always picture perfect, the men are deeply flawed, and it all feels so real. The authenticity was almost uncomfortable at times, especially when something ugly rang true, but I appreciated hearing Liz's story in all its naked glory. And yes, she was often buck naked. That girl loved to strip.

I feel confident making this next generalization. We have all, at one time, known a woman like Liz. She's a good friend, a bit of a free spirit, and a complete muck-up when it comes to choosing men (yeah, I had a four-letter word there... use your imagination). Some of her decisions had me shaking my head and groaning, Oh no, you did not just do that. Her poor choices frustrated me, but her charm had me following her through the highs and lows, even when I wanted to rattle the rocks in her head box. Here's where I give the author, Elizabeth Allen, full props. It would have been easy to dislike Liz for her faults, but that became impossible for me. There were some key points in the plot that had me admiring this heroine, and giving her a mental `Atta girl!' She made mistakes, and she also redeemed herself.

I thoroughly enjoyed Liz's voice, which was imperative since this is told in the first person, and she's irreverent, profane, dirty, and funny. The ending is satisfying, and there are some memorable scenes along the way (brave enough to try sex on a playground swing set?). While reading this I had a woman-to-woman, heart-to-heart dialog with Liz, and it made me realize two things: 1) I don't EVER want to be single again, and 2) all women go through the same stuff. It's a good thing we can laugh about it along the way.

I Adore Books and Film
As the summary reads, a majority of Liz’s adventures occur in New York and then later in Orange County, CA. Now, I’ve never traveled to New York, but through Liz’s eyes, I could easily picture her surroundings and her honesty in her words, had me laughing and shaking my head at many of her mishaps in Manhattan.


When she finally sets her sights on Orange County, CA (where I’m from), I laughed even harder. Liz nails it again in her truthfulness and there were so many times I found myself giggling as I completely nodded my head in agreement. (Especially the comments about Garden Grove!)





The Characters:


Liz Gardner is one of the most likable characters I’ve ever read in all my life and I could completely relate to her. As I relived her past, I found many similarities in my own. But the difference lies in Liz. She is role model of sorts for all women. She’s strong and firm, and knows what she wants. She never took crap from anybody and only grew from her mistakes, with a no-point-for-regrets attitude. If only most of us could experience life like that. Carefree, but with a purpose.


The various relationships that Liz experiences are all important as well. They make her who she is, and what I loved about them-they were imperfect and crazy, each in their own way. The author does an outstanding job of developing each love interest in its entirety-the bad, the good, and the ugly. There is nothing taboo, there is nothing supernatural. It is simply life.


Liz's mother Radiance- Though I found myself angry many times at her mother, I also felt sorry for her as well. They say you reap what you sow, and a little of this could be applied to Radiance but in the end, I forgave her as her daughter did many years ago. Probably my favorite relationship out of the book.


The Plot: Though the story reads like an autobiography, it was more like Liz and I having a glass of wine late Saturday night-Liz confides in me, and tells me her entire story. We laugh, tear up, and sigh.


It is a story of one woman's journey; colorful but endearing.


My Conclusion: I recommend this book to everyone! It was such a pleasure to read, and I was entertained to the very end. This story had me pissed off, worried, laughing hysterically, and crying like a freaking baby. I was a mess, as I came upon the ending but in a good way. I had been through so much with this character, that to see her story come to end, made me feel the same way I felt when I watched Marley and Me (Jesus, I'm starting to get teary eyed now).


This book gets five stars!!


USA Today
By Joyce Lamb, USA TODAY


USA Today offers recommendations for indie-published e-books that the site's reviewers have declared are pretty great.


Who Got Liz Gardner by Elizabeth Allen ($4.99)

Who Got Liz Gardner is a poignant coming-of-age memoir filled with humor, heartbreak and grit.

Elizabeth Allen gives a gut-wrenching account of her young adult years, defined by love, relationships and bad choices. Liz Gardner grows up in a highly dysfunctional family. Her father is a womanizer who has little time to even recognize his daughter, and her mother has failed at five marriages, leaving a legacy of minimal guidance when it comes to love relationships. With little to go on, Liz — young and passionate with boyfriend in tow — follows her path of self-discovery and moves to New York City to explore a career in the theater. They are innocents and the city is hard and cruel and Liz dreams that life has more to offer her.



With a new opportunity as an actress, and a desire to bring some spirituality into her life, Liz makes a move to California where a new job in the theater awaits her. Her life is filled with a string of casual relationships and a sense that there is always something missing. With each bad choice comes an even worse outcome that leaves her wondering when her own source of wisdom will take her hand and guide her on this journey.

Through turmoil, tragedy and self-doubt, Liz begins to learn the value of herself. Despite her painful early years, her mistakes begin to diminish and the vision of her life becomes clear. In her exploration of spirituality, she finds her strength and independence and believes that ultimately there is someone out there who will love her unconditionally.

Elizabeth Allen has bared her past, bringing us a tale of self-discovery and survival. A tale of youth, and resiliency, Who Got Liz Gardner is a story for those who doubt their ability to forge a good life when obstacles seem insurmountable.