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Kristine Lowder

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Guys and Other Nears Humans
by Kristine Lowder   
Books by Kristine Lowder
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Uncial Press
Amazon

Category:  Humor
Publisher: Uncial Press

Type: Non-Fiction

Copyright: 
2006-2010

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Guys via this light-hearted look at some wild and wacky adventures from a real-life "testosterone farm." Told by the mother of four sons.

Ever look back on a long stretch of life's highway and wonder how you got where you are? I'm still trying to figure that out. More specifically, how did this Mom Stuff start?

One minute I was a perfectly sane aerospace professional, gleefully juggling competitive analyses, customer profiles, marketing reports and NASA execs like a circus pro. Nine months later my rapier wit dulled to Jell-O, my spit and polish precision wilted like a wet Pampers. I could barely spell NASA, let alone find it! It took about seven more years for my husband, the Big Guy, and me to reach full blown Guy-itis. That's a rare and critical condition brought on by sheer stupidity and an unusually long stretch of cold weather. But hey! If four baby boys in less than eight years doesn't rank as Purple Heart criteria, what does? With 25 years of marriage under my belt and my very own "male farm" to manage, I figure I know a few things about Guys.

I look at it this way: our house holds enough testosterone to power a Third World Country. Sure, being outnumbered five to one has its ups and downs, but you'd be surprised at how a little ingenuity and treachery can even the odds.



Excerpt

hink Captain Bligh had it rough? Try feeding four Guys. The usual drill goes something like this:

"Pears?!" five year-old Josiah erupts as we sit down to the dinner table, "I hate pears!"

"Whatever happened to a simple, "No thank you'?" I snap, out on a limb. Way out.

This follows 12 year-old Nathan's commentary on last night's dinner accompaniment: "Peaches? Yuck!"

"You know I don't like mashed potatoes" 14 year-old Daniel laments. Pointing out that French fries are close cousins to mashed potatoes--sort of--gets me as far as a snail in a molasses factory.

"Look," I explain for the millionth time, "I am NOT cooking five separate dinners. You guys either eat what's on the table, or you may be excused and can go hungry until breakfast."

They're out the door and halfway to China before the dust settles.

Our bedroom is located a few feet off the kitchen., near the pantry: "All the easier to snag 'em with," I muse to my husband, the Big Guy. Long experience has taught us what's sure to come.

Refusing my latest culinary magnum opus, our kindergartner to Clearasil-aged quartet will soon attempt a "midnight raid" on the kitchen. "All in good time, my pretties, all in good time."

So we're ready. The Big Guy and I snicker like frisky teenagers as we draw bicycle chain through fridge doors and click the lock shut.

"That'll teach them to eat what's on the table" the Big Guy observes, grinning like a Cheshire cat. I suspect he's having way too much fun outsmarting the kids.

"Midnight and all's well" I announce later from sentry duty at the fridge before returning to The Big Guy nods smugly and returns to the toe-tapping tunes of Gregorian Chants: Greatest Hits. Which just shows you what we know. What four starving boys can accomplish with a hairpin and flashlights makes my head spin.

"So, what are your favorite foods?" I ask my Guys the next day, bracing myself. I know a mutiny when I'm up to my ears in one. I've got a four-alarm insurrection on my hands that makes Fletcher Christian look like a pansy.

Eager choruses of Guy suggestions assail me in response: "Lime jello. Top Ramen. Macaroni and cheese! Peanut butter and jelly!"

Be still my gourmet heart...



Professional Reviews

"Insanely funny"
"Guys and Other Near Humans is Ms. Lowder's insanely humourous look at life with her guys." Four Elephants - ChrisChatReviews


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