Category: Humor Publisher: Night Publishing
ISBN-10: 1453705546
Pages: 152
Copyright: July 17, 2010
ISBN-13: 9781453705544
The is the manual that all civil servants need on their bookshelf to make sense of what is going on around them.
'You Can't Polish A Turd' is a book born of a lifetime - well, it felt like a lifetime - of experience working in and with bureaucracy.
Some might deem it cynical, others not cynical enough, but most will repeatedly nod their heads in profound recognition.
If you are already a bureaucrat, you may find it brings tears to your eyes - both of laughter and despair - and whatever your bureaucratic hue, public or corporate, it is probably the book you will wish you had read years ago, the one which would have saved you from committing all those silly, and sometimes fatal, transgressions against the bureaucratic code which are so easily made if you have pretentions to humanity, decency and indeed activity.
However, if you are only just stepping out onto the winding career path of a convicted bureaucrat, this is an absolute must-read that will guide you unfailingly to the very top of your profession so long as you implement its recommendations precisely and without moral weakness.
All in all, this is a fine companion piece to its corporate equivalents, Terry Farnsworth's 'On The Way Up' or Robert Townsend's 'Up The Organisation' - well, more like Terry's actually because its fundamental tenet is that optimism is futile, but that futility can be both entertaining and highly rewarding.
Excerpt
You can’t polish a turd. This is an old saying with which prospective government employees should become familiar. Do not misunderstand me, the civil service is a fine occupation for the young person wondering what to do with their lives, or how best they may be able to serve their fellow human beings. However, some things, like turds, are simply not capable of being made to look or smell any better than they already do, however bad that may be. This is a fine metaphor to use when talking about government.
There are systems in place that have been there for years that really stink. Even a cursory glance will reveal that they work about as well as a rusted old museum exhibit. However, and this is the crucial point for any person wishing to work in government, it is futile to try to clean them up and make them run more smoothly.
Many a delusional individual has brought out the oil and the rust remover, confident that they can fix the problem and transform an ancient and clunky process into a gleaming, well-oiled example of a modern cutting-edge procedure. They usually end up wandering the corridors muttering to themselves in corners, occasionally bursting into tears, and looking like the weight of the world has been dropped upon their shoulders. A look back at the government machine shows that it is still there clanking along, still covered in rust, still looking like the two-thousand year old dinosaur that it is.
The system is also hazardous to the employee in another way; it sucks out part of the personality of anyone who tries to tamper with it, leaving them unable to escape from its dark clutches. This is the fate of those who do not heed the information in this book. They will end up with their soul trapped within the machinery of government with the life being squeezed out of them, unable to improve matters and unable to escape to another job. Trust me when I say that you do not want to end up like this.
Changing how government works is like trying to stop the tide coming in. The machine will suck you in, chew you up and imprison you for life. As long as you understand this, you are well on your way to a successful and rewarding career. This book will provide you with the necessary arsenal of weapons that will enable you to establish a position, defend it, and gradually increase your area of influence within the system.
What you will learn will include:
- how to get a job within government;
the five paradigms of government;
- the people you will need to deal with on a daily basis and the mysteries of dealing with boards and senior bureaucrats;
- tips on how to enjoy your day within a government environment;
- valuable information on the effective use of jargon; and
- useful snippets from current and past experts.
So, if you are considering a career in the civil service, or have recently embarked on such a career, this is the book for you. Its principles apply to all levels of government.
If you think that you may soon need to apply to the government for an approval of some description, and wish to avoid high blood pressure and complete mental collapse, then this is also the book for you.
If you are merely an interested spectator and wish to know how your taxes are spent, then this is most definitely the book for you.
Fractured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces is adult literature that satirizes famous children's stories, fables and fairy tales. The work is Jay Dubya's twenty-first e-book available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble Nook.
