Category: Business/Investing Publisher: Fields of Gold Publishing, Inc.
ISBN-10: 0974629626
Type: Fiction
Pages: 260
Copyright: June 24, 2008
ISBN-13: 9780974629629
The Damned Company is a humorous look at corporate life and all pathological behaviors associated with the business world. Loosely based on Dante's Inferno, The Damned Company is designed to entertain anyone familiar with the sometimes farcical nature of the corporate world.
Turning the business fable on its head, the Damned Company is a farcical tour of Corporate Hell. Based loosely on Dante s Inferno, the Damned Company is so wrong...but so right. Using sarcasm, humor and the ridiculous to highlight the most grievous of corporate sinners, this book is a refreshing view on business morality for anyone trying navigate the corporate world.
The entrance to the Damned Company is where Colleague (our main charactor) meets Teamwork, who guides Colleague through the tour of Corporate Hell. Teamwork is only a ghost in Corporate Hell, but he is a knowledgeable guide.
First Floor: E-mail Hell A variety of e-mail sins are punished on this floor, including failure to return e-mail as well as flooding others with unnecessary messages. We discover the fine fashion sense of the average demon here.
Second Floor: Meeting Hell Colleague visits the Graveyard of buried ideas, witnesses long meetings, and sees liquid negativity. People who valued technology more than people are tortured by needy technological solutions who beg for more attention.
Third Floor: Sins of Organizational Structure and Silos Teamwork guides Colleague through the labyrinth on the path of the Mission Statement. We also begin to discover horticulture in hell when we are introduced to the Production Plant.
Fourth Floor: Communication Hell Corporate spin makes this floor very windy and Colleague must wear the Robe of Reality in order to prevent being blown away. We also experience the Ceremony of Acronyms and walk through the Web of Lies.
Fifth Floor: Sins of Policy The Policy Police carefully patrol this floor. The floor also houses the Damned Company Corporate Handbook, which is a very legalistic document that consists of over 1,200 volumes written in an ancient language so that no one understands it.
Sixth Floor: Sins of Organizational Propaganda and pressure The Damned Company s annual corporate event happens daily on this floor and prisoners are forced to attend. Corporate Whores sell official Damned Company Kitsch while the motivational guest speaker enforces the corporate values of fear and conflict.
Seventh Floor: Sins of Self Promotion and Politics Colleague sees the results of a hellish corporate merger as two individuals are campaigning to be elected the most incompetent. Corporate vampires assist the candidates by sucking the talent out of everyone they meet. The Depth of Disconnect An abyss that separates organizational leadership from everyone else. At the bottom of the abyss runs the River of Institutional Knowledge.
Eighth Floor: Human Resource Hell Human Resource professionals are blinded by synergy and fail to see reality as they cheer and encourage even the most destructive of behaviors. The Chasm of Development The chasm that separates management from the rest of us is a board game.
Ninth Floor: Management Hell Colleague tours the BORED room on this floor and is allowed into the greenhouse to see how mismanagement material is cultivated. New managers are sent to the spa for corporate slime treatments.
Tenth Floor: The Executive Suite Teamwork is not allowed on the executive suite, so Colleague must travel there alone. While on this floor, Colleague sees what happens to bad executives in the afterlife and meets Teamwork's evil twin, Groupthink. Groupthink introduces Colleague to Satan, and through conversation Colleague learns about Satan's organizational theories.
Bonus material at the end of the book includes a test to discover if you re really working in corporate hell. There are also job descriptions from the Damned Company and a larger version of the Chasm of Development.
Excerpt
Chapter One ~ Lobby Level: Limbo
I don’t exactly know how I lost my way. I had just finished a power lunch on one of the busier avenues downtown and was walking to the subway when something happened. I can’t say precisely what it was, but what I remember next was a swirling dream of hurried pedestrians, honking taxicabs, and frustrated commuters shouting expletives at one another. The next thing I knew I was in the lobby of the Damnation Corporation and to this day I still don’t know how I got there.
“Name,” requested the large ogre at the reception desk without looking up. In my confusion, I didn’t immediately respond and she repeated her request in a nasal monotone. I walked slowly towards her.
“Name what?”
“Your name.”
“I am Colleague,” I finally answered her. “Where am I?”
“Do you have an appointment?” I still didn’t know where I was, so I hardly knew whether or not I had an appointment.
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully.
“Have a seat,” she instructed me. She still had not seen my face, and I’m glad of it because I’m not sure that I wanted to look into her eyes. She was fearfully large and green and covered with pustules that appeared on the brink of erupting at the slightest provocation. Her voice and mannerisms were zombie-like. Whether she became this way after years of working on the job or she was hired because of it I didn’t want to know. I only knew that she terrified me and I was eager to move away from her.
I glanced around the circular lobby and then sat down on a small leather chair. The walls were starkly white with paintings of flames neatly placed every four or five feet. There were people everywhere who looked as if they had been waiting for a very long time. I was studying the irritation on the face of a well-dressed woman who was leaning against the wall underneath a no smoking sign when I heard a distorted but very loud mumble.
I turned towards the noise but could only make out a rippling shadow. It was the type of shadow that water casts when light deflects upon its calm surface, but there was no water anywhere in the lobby. My attention was drifting back towards the other lobby guests when the mumbling occurred a second time and it sounded somewhat like my name. I stared at the rippling shadow in disbelief.
“Colleague,” the shadow called to me gently. “Are you human or hologram?” I asked nervously.
“Neither,” the shadow replied. His voice was becoming clearer the more I concentrated on it. “I was once human, but I am now nothing more than a ghost of what once was.”
“What do they call you?” “Teamwork,” he replied.
“Teamwork?” I gasped, failing to conceal my surprise and excitement. “Teamwork, I have studied you in business school. I know all about you and how you brought success to those who followed you.”
“Not all who claimed to follow me were true followers,” he cautioned. “My theory was preached but the application was often faulty and intended for the wrong reasons. By using my name some have shared the burden but selfishly kept the glory. These I speak of are now among the ranks here.”
“Where is here?” I seized the moment to ask the question that had been on my mind since I arrived in this odd location. “Where are we, Teamwork?”
“This is the Damnation Corporation,” he stoically answered me. “We commonly refer to it as the Damned Company. Welcome to Corporate Hell.” As he spoke these words I began to understand why he was merely a reflection: solid Teamwork could not exist in Hell.
“Teamwork, who are these others?” I eagerly asked. I was grateful to be finally getting some answers and Teamwork seemed to have the knowledge to satisfy me.
“We are in the Damned Company lobby and those around us are in limbo. They can not yet be admitted to the Damnation Corporation, and some may never be admitted. These here have come for many reasons. Some are applicants endlessly waiting to hear whether or not they will be employed. They will never hear a definite yes or no, and the ogre at the reception desk will provide no information of value. They are stuck waiting forever.”
“And the others?” I asked with interest.
“Those others are friends and family members waiting to meet a loved one for lunch or for coffee. However, those for whom they wait will never be able to meet them. They are consumed by their positions at the Damned Company and have lost any sense of time. These people here will wait endlessly for something that will never come to pass.”
I looked around at the faces. Surely someone must have heard Teamwork say that they will be waiting forever, but no one left. They all stood impatiently looking at their watches and tapping their toes just as they had done since I arrived. In fact, no one heard or noticed anything beyond their own situations. It was as if the voice of Teamwork was inaudible to them all.
“A few of those here in limbo are sales professionals who are waiting to see if the Damned Company will purchase their wares. They, also, will continue to wait forever without any answer.”
“If a sales professional has no answer, isn’t that a form of Hell?” I asked with some caution. After all, I wasn’t sure if it was wise to question anything in Hell.
“The forms of Corporate Hell are many,” Teamwork responded politely. “If you would like to journey through them I will go with you and be your guide. The hallways of Hell are dangerous. You will need someone who knows the way to instruct you so that you do not become ensnared, yourself.”
At this point my curiosity had the better of me and I was eager to learn more. Upon reflection I should have thought more carefully, as I had no concept of the horrors I was about to see. Although I am glad of the knowledge I gained from this journey, I don’t know that I will ever be able to purge from my mind any of the nightmarish scenes from Corporate Hell.
“Please show me the way and teach me,” I implored of Teamwork.
“Let us take the elevator to the first level,” he replied. I followed his floating, rippling image towards the polished brass elevator door at the far end of the lobby.
“Teamwork, is the entire Damned Company structured in a circle like the lobby?”
“Yes and No. The lobby is circular to reflect the nature of corporate logic,” he answered. “However, each level of the Damned Company is made to look perfectly square to give the illusion of equality and fairness to those imprisoned. Those inside believe that if the length of their walls are equal that the punishments are also equal.”
“And the punishments are not equal?” I could not hide my surprise.
“Punishments vary in magnitude and are suited to fit the crimes,” Teamwork explained. “Not all sins are alike in terms of the pain and misery caused among coworkers. The most grievous sinners on each floor are punished in the corner offices,” he continued. “I would advise you to stay out of those at all costs. The staff members are not particular about the recipients of punishments. They may easily torture you along with their victims. If you do wander into one of these offices I advise you to hide your integrity at all costs. The corner offices are the most sinister and perilous places for anyone with integrity.”
As the elevator door opened a bell sounded. However, instead of the lighthearted ding of a traditional elevator bell, this was a sonorous funeral chime. I felt my entire skeleton rattling with the noise as I stepped into the elevator. I glanced at the operator but had some trouble focusing on her because she was luminescent and beautiful beyond anything I had ever seen.
“Good afternoon,” I said politely as I squinted in my attempts to look at her. She replied back to me, but just as I could not immediately understand Teamwork when he first appeared I could not make out any discernible words.
“It is always a pleasure to see you,” Teamwork said to the radiant woman. “Honesty, please meet my friend Colleague. Would you mind taking us to the first floor?” Honesty said something in response to Teamwork, but I still could not understand her words, nor could I gaze at her brilliant lips as she was speaking. “No, Honesty. Colleague is not staying. This is just a guest tour.”
My pupils had adjusted to the light of Honesty enough that I could see her hand clearly. It was petite, well-formed, and elegant. I watched her pull down on the brass lever marked “despair” and the elevator door closed. She pushed a button labeled “pains of inconvenience” and to my surprise the elevator ascended. I looked at Teamwork.
“Shouldn’t we be going down?” I asked in confusion. Teamwork chuckled before responding.
“A common mistake,” he answered. “People seem to think that rising higher in an organization is a positive thing. In Corporate Hell, the higher you go the more grievous the sins. In fact, the floors of Hell are organized so that the lesser sins are punished on the lower floors. Those residing on the upper floors have almost no chance of ever being reformed enough to make it back down to the lobby level and over to Corporate Purgatory.” The elevator stopped and Honesty pushed the brass level of despair upwards again to open the door. Teamwork stepped out first and I followed him. I tried to look back at Honesty, but the darkness around me made it even harder for me to look at her.
“Will she come with us?” I asked Teamwork.
“No,” he replied in a serious tone. “Honesty has no place in the hallways of the Damned Company. She will ride up and down the elevator shaft which gives the illusion that she is present, but she can never cross the threshold.”
I watched her light collapse into nothingness as the elevator door closed. I could not see at all when I felt Teamwork grasp my hand and we moved forward into the first level of Corporate Hell.
