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Download from Smashwords (eBook)
Smashwords
Smashwords
Category:
Humor
ISBN-10: 1301621153
Pages: 233
Copyright: Dec 20, 2012
ISBN-13: 9781301621156
The trouble with that ‘Friday Feeling’ is that it can get a bit ‘same old, same old’. Everything becomes a bit safe and predictable, which means you don’t have to think about things too much… Having said that, it only takes one minor detail to be placed out of sequence, and the results can be hilarious… Which gives you the additional bonus of having something to talk about the following week.
Excerpt
1. Getting Ready
“What’s it all about?”
You often ask yourself this question, don’t you…?
Usually you ask it on Monday mornings…
When you have to get up for work, don’t you…?
It’s a Monday morning type of question really, innit…?
Today is Friday though, innit…?
And it’s…
Well, it’s around tea time, innit…?
And you know what it’s like on Fridays, around tea time, don’t you…?
So why ask this question today, of all days…?
Work’s finished for the week, innit…?
And you have the whole weekend ahead of you to relax, don’t you…?
Your head’s still banging from it though, innit…?
That is what it’s all about, innit…?
It’s all about work, innit…?
No…?
Then you’re starving, aren’t you…?
Because it’s around tea time, innit…?
And you’re running out of time, aren’t you…?
Because it’s only a matter of hours to go before the Friday night Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb begins, innit…?
And the Rubb A Dubb Dubb is the actual name of your favourite local boozer…
Not just some Cockneyesque, rhyming slang thingy, innit…?
But you’re knackered, aren’t you…?
And you’re lonely too, aren’t you…?
Because you’ve got no one to talk to about it, have you…?
You need a friend, don’t you…?
But you only have mates, don’t you…?
Because you’re a bloke, aren’t you…?
If you carry on talking to yourself like this, you’ll end up answering yourself, won’t you…?
Hey, maybe that’s not such a bad idea…
Give it a try, why don’t you…?
See how it goes…
So, go on then…
What are you on about…?
“Tape…
Orange tape…
Bright orange tape…
Bright orange, reflective tape…
Y’know, the sort that indicates a hazard…
Not that… ‘Crime Scene/Police Line: Do Not Cross/Danger Unexploded Mines’… type of tape. Just that bog-standard, common or garden, bright orange, reflective stuff that’s suspended from steel poles with spikes, and is used to cordon off areas, to warn of road works and such like… Y’know, to prevent accidents… in theory. And the reason it works so well… allegedly… this theoretical accident prevention… is because of the reflective properties of this bright orange, high-visibility tape, which is not only reflective, but more, much more than this, it’s thoughtfully reflective, indeed considerately reflective… because, not only is it reflective of daylight, but it’s also reflective of artificial light sources during the hours of darkness… which means you’d really have to be some kind of fool to miss spotting it… wouldn’t you…?
What’s that all about?”
Phew! You have got it bad, haven’t, you?
“Who said that?”
Hello…
Er…
Mate…
Over here…
In your head, I guesss…
It’s your…
Imaginary friend…
Talking…
Communicating with you…
“Give me a break… you can’t be serious… Shit, you are, aren’t you…? I mean… it’s cool…”
Well, mate, isn’t it all about making a living…?
I mean that’s how you make yours, innit…?
With that bright orange, reflective tape, innit…?
“Innit… but more to the point… without jumping the gun, or anything… I mean, you wanna hear the joke before the punchline is delivered, don’t you…? Don’t you…?
Course you do… So, where was I…?
Oh yeah… that’s right… getting ready…
No… that’s not right… is it…?”
We’re jumping that gun again, aren’t we…?
OK, we’re under starters orders, aren’t we…?
And this time, there will be no gun-jumping, will there…?
You weren’t getting ready at all, were you…?
How could you have been getting ready, when there’s still a million things to do before you can even think about getting ready…?
What was it you were getting ready for, anyway…?
“First… of a million… things first…
You know how it is on a Friday night… around tea time… don’t you…?”
Yeah, you’ve just finished work, haven’t you…?
And by ‘Work’, you mean that thing you do with bright orange, reflective tape, don’t you…?
Y’know…
To pass the time until that thing you live for…
The weekend…
And it’s only a matter of hours to go before the Friday night Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb begins, innit…?
And that’s the actual name of your favourite local boozer…
Not just some Cockneyesque, rhyming slang thingy, innit…?
“Innit…”
But, as has already been mentioned, there are still a million things to do before you can even think about getting ready to go on any Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb, aren’t there...?
You’ve still got to eat your tea, for starters, haven’t you…?
Or eat your starters for tea…?
Whichever way you prefer it, innit…?
You’ve got to watch a bit of telly, yeah…?
And take a shower…
Choose some suitable gear to wear…
As well as…
And this is a big one…
Decide how much cash you need to get from the ATM…
Or hole in the wall…
Before walking…
Yes, walking…
The one thousand four hundred and seventy nine metres…
Or is it yards…?
To the Rubb A Dubb Dubb…
That’s the actual name of your favourite local boozer…
Not just some Cocknyesque, rhyming slang thingy…
“OK, not exactly a million things to do, but not far off, innit…?”
Innit…
“And on top of all that… I’ve only gone and said I’ll do a bit of Saturday morning overtime, haven’t I…? Eight while twelve… At time and a half…It won’t even pay for Friday night’s Mission to get leathered with my mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb, will it…? But still, I suppose it’s worth having… even after tax, innit…?”
Innit…
“Right… What’s for tea then…?”
Let’s see, Friday…
Fish on Friday…?
“Nah, later… Chippy’ll be chocka now…”
What’s in the fridge then…?
“Cup-a-Soup; already made… as luck would have it… yesterday… or the day before…”
Microwave, highest setting, four or five minutes…
The only way to make old stuff edible…
Nuke it…!
I mean, it’s not worth taking any chances, is it…?
Especially not on a Friday night, when you’ve got, well, nearly a million other things to do before you can even think about getting ready for your Friday Night Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb…
That’s the actual name of your favourite local boozer…
Not just some Cocknyesque, rhyming slang thingy…
Even if several hundred thousand of those things actually are to do with getting ready…
What was it you were getting ready for…?
“Oh, great! Wholemeal bread…! What’s wrong with white…? Sliced…? A bit hard round the crust, where the packet’s been left open in the fridge…?”
I bet you can’t wait to leave home, can you…?
How old are you again…?
But you’ve got that ‘Killing Two Birds With One Stone’ thingy sussed right out though, haven’t you…?
Eating your tea and watching telly, both at the same time…!
Takes some concentration, does that…!
And it saves loads of time…
Unless there’s something dead good on the telly…
Now comes the hard bit…
Getting off your lazy arse, and climbing the stairs to that place…
Those places…
Those rooms where important decisions…
Regarding tonight’s Friday night Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb…
And that’s the actual name of your favourite local boozer…
Not just some Cocknyesque, rhyming slang thingy…
Must be made, innit…?
“Innit… And a good job it’s still summertime then, innit…? Summertime-ish anyway… Not autumn, or winter, or anything… And it’s just a case of choosing which jeans, tee-shirt and trainers to wear… although socks are always a bit of a tricky one to get just right, aren’t they…?”
Yeah, they can be…
But looking on the bright side…
You only had your hair cut on Wednesday, didn’t you…?
So there’s probably not too much combing involved with a ‘Number One All Over’, is there…?
Or was it ‘No Guard’ this time…?
Either way, it’s only a few minutes in front of the mirror, making sure everything’s in place, innit…?
“Innit…”
Oh no…!
You were in a bit of a hurry to get to work this morning, weren’t you…?
And didn’t have enough time to shave, did you…?
Can’t risk any cuts on a Friday night though, can you…?
So better give it a miss this week then, hadn’t you…?
Remember you didn’t shave one week last summer…?
And nearly copped off with that barmaid over at ‘Hanging’, didn’t you…?
But you don’t drink in ‘Hanging’ any more, do you…?
And we don’t talk about that any more, do we…?
And by ‘That’, we refer to the actual episode, and not the young…
Allegedly…
Lady in question don’t we…?
“So, no shave then…?”
No time, innit…?
Tell you what though, it’s all Shed Gear, innit…?
“Innit… Is it…?”
Not stuff you put in your shed…
Stuff that does your shed in…
Right in…
“Wait a minute… did you say ‘Shed Gear’…?”
Yeah, why…?
“No… why…?”
Well, when I say ‘Shed’, I obviously mean ‘Head’…
And again, not stuff you put on your head…
Not Head Wear…
Like some French to English…
Garderobe/Wardrobe…
Guillaume/William…
Gear/Wear…
Exchange of ‘G’ to ‘W’ affair, or something…
No…
Stuff that does your Head in…
And I mean right in…
And I’ll tell you another thing, while I’m at it…
Here’s what it’s all about…
It’s all about timing…
Innit…?
“Innit… Is it…?”
It is…
And right now, it’s quarter to, innit…?
Nearly…
It’s actually forty three and fifteen…
Sixteen seconds to, innit…?
But you know, don’t you…?
Because it works every time, doesn’t it…?
That if you leave your house at quarter to…
Forty five on the dot that is…
And walk at standard ‘On A Friday Night Mission To Get Leathered With My Mates In The Rubb A Dubb Dubb’ pace…
Your departure will coincide exactly, with the departure of your good mate Charlie, from his house, won’t it…?
Which, according to a local Council map you once saw, confirms is exactly the same distance from the Rubb A Dubb Dubb…
That’s the actual name of your favourite local boozer…
Not just some Cockneyesque, rhyming slang thingy, innit…?
As your own home…
This means that when you get to the top of your road, and reach the main road into town, your paths will cross, won’t they…?
And no one will have been subjected to the inconvenience and indignity…
Not to mention the worry…
Of having to wait for their good mate and drinking partner, will they…?
Which is an important consideration…
When you’re on a Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb on a Friday night, innit…?
And Friday night is only the most important night of the week, innit…?
Apart from Saturday, and ‘Match Of The Day’…
Oh, and Sunday nights are pretty important too, aren’t they…?
Because you have to remember about getting up for work on Monday morning, don’t you…?
Which reminds you, doesn’t it…?
I mean it does…
Doesn’t it…?
Saturday morning overtime…
Remember…?
Eight while twelve…
At time-and-a-half…
It won’t pay for Friday night’s Mission to get leathered with your mates at the Rubb A Dubb Dubb, will it…?
But still, it’s worth having…
Even after tax, innit…?
“Innit…”
Don’t forget to set your alarm…
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