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Category:
Humor
Publisher: Create Space
ISBN-10: 493764012
Pages: 90
Copyright: November 13, 2013
ISBN-13: 9781493764013
Price: $2.99 (eBook)
This is the second volume of selected humor/human interest columns I wrote for a suburban newspaper over a ten-year period. The publisher has graciously granted me the rights to re-publish. This job was the best I ever had: I got paid, essentially, to have fun. Enjoy, and share.
Excerpt
PAY YOUR MONEY AND TAKE YOUR CHOICE
Item:” More businesses are installing Vending Machines for their employees break times. Employers surmise that their employees will appreciate a small snack in the afternoon to accompany their regular coffee break."
It's hard to find anyone who is Neutral on the issue of Vending Machines in the Workplace. Some will say that a Machine is taking a job away from a Real Person, one who will cheerfully accept your quarters, nickels and dimes, and deliver your snack to you with a cheery "Have A Nice Day," while others insist that Vending Machines don't tend to get personal and all you have to do is press a button and you get what you want and you're Outta There.
When they work, I love Vending Machines, and I especially love them when they are filled with my Very Favorite Junk Foods.
I hate them, however, when they don't deliver what they promise and keep my money, and I feel Terribly Abused when they are out of my Very Favorite Junk Foods.
In all fairness, I must add that some Vending Machines are NOT stocked with Junk Foods. Some dispense oranges, apples, freshly made sandwiches, fruit juices, etc. These, however, are not the Vending Machines I frequent. Well, that's the truth. Given the choice between a good, juicy Vitamin-C packed orange and a calorie-laden chocolate bar, guess which one appeals to me the most? Right.
My real quarrel with Vending Machines is actually the labeling of their contents. Take any number of items stocked in said machine. Read the array of names on the wrappers: Little Debbie's Lemon Bars, Hostess Cupcakes, Twinkies, Apple Danish, Grandma's Chocolate Chip Cookie, Cheese and Crackers, or alternately, Crackers and Peanut Butter, Mounds Candy Bar, Baby Ruth, and Butterfingers.
Sound really innocuous, don't they? Who can argue with you when you choose Something Wholesome like Peanut Butter? Mom always said Peanut Butter was good for you. So now, after you've had your Southern Region thoroughly waxed by your boss, and you stand whimpering before the Vending Machine, you tend to lean toward comfort food...certainly not a dumb old orange. Something Mom would give you, if she were here right now.... Peanut Butter. And Damn the Calories, full speed ahead.
When I was a kid, nobody ever thought about calories, and cholesterol was invented after I was all grown up. So when I look over all the Goodies in the Vending Machines, I tend to Over-look such Pesky Little Things as
fat content and calories.
But I wonder: how would it be if Labels of All Vending Machine Items were changed to reveal their true destructive effects on our bodies?
Let's see: Little Debbie’s Lemon Bars -- sounds so old fashioned, doesn't it? Who would believe this sweet-looking Rebecca of Sunny brook Farm-type is actually a con artist, luring you to add five more pounds to your already expanding waistline. Get Real! Little Debbie is seducing you with what really should be called "Spare Tire Makers."
And how about those "Hostess Cupcakes?" Visions of a charming and gracious (and thin) Hostess serving dainty little Cupcakes to her enchanted guests come to mind. In Reality, these sneaky little spongy things should be labeled, "Tummy Expandos."
"Apple Danish" sounds so ---Continental. Take the American as Apple Pie concept and blend it with International Intrigue a la Denmark, and you have a Sophisticated Snack. Guess again! The apples, soggy with sugar, lay like lead in your stomach, soon to explode like hand-grenades, causing Acute Gastric Distress. Let's call them what they really are: "Gross Encounters of the Third Kind."
Grandma's Chocolate Chip Cookie -- Hey, I'm no subversive. If I can't knock Mom's Apple Pie, then I can't quarrel with Grandma's Cookies, now, can I? Oh, yeah? Those are actually "Grandma's Chocolate Cholesterol Clusters."
Cheese and Crackers, or alternately, Crackers and Peanut Butter: "Cellulite Creators."
Mounds? Just More "Mounds of Pounds."
Baby Ruth? More like Baby Fat -- throughout your Thirties.
Butterfingers? Butter-Buns.
And my favorite? "Twinkies."
I call 'em "Waddles."
The truth hurts.
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