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Category:
Humor
Publisher: Waterbuck
ISBN-10: 0954863038
Pages: 262
Copyright: May 19, 2015
ISBN-13: 9780954863036
Price: $2.99 (eBook)
Mr Bling is dreaming of riches, however, trapped in the urban streets of London will he discover what the root of money is?
An authentic London City story that narrates the slippery, risky, destructive lifestyle of Leebert Lewin, who out of the need to keep up with his peers, puts himself into debt to buy expensive clothes, a fast car and nights out with pretty women.
When he can no longer borrow, he scams his way into the club promotion business, but coming short on his promises, he ends up owing thousands to gangsters.
Running out of time, Leebert Lewin has to somehow find the money he owes or the secret to generating instant riches to pay back the gangsters and stop them from breaking every bone in his body.
Excerpt
Leebert Lewin steps into his cramped single bedroom. He throws his bag onto his bed and steps over to his computer. He had a hard but funny day at his work place, the hardware store on the High Street.
Leebert sits down and turns on his laptop. He pops a can of fizzy drink and takes a gulp. He taps in his password then takes another gulp. He clicks onto his web browser and swivels on his chair. He ruffles his brow and stares at the screen as the browser struggles to open but when it does it is (Not Responding). Leebert clicks the close x. He clicks it again and again. The web page fades and the laptop rings out a series of bleeps.
Leebert rolls his eyes and slams his fist on his flimsy desk which makes one of the PC speakers fall on the floor.
“Fuck!” Leebert presses the power button on the side of the lap- top and forces it to close. He presses it again to turn back on the machine. He bends over and picks up the speaker and tentatively places it on the desk.
Leebert drains his can of drink and lends back in his chair wait- ing, hoping that his laptop will not crash again. Ten minutes later, the web browser lets him into his email account. Under his breath he says, “Yes!” He has 263 emails. He clicks into his inbox. The top email says, Granny Fanny
His narrow nostrils flare as he breathes in and out deeply. He looks over his shoulder as if he felt someone was watching him from behind. He clicks into the email and scrolls down to a picture changing to different scenes from a movie starring a grey haired, wrinkled faced, grandmother with saggy breast, having sex with a young woman who is wearing a twelve inch strap-on dilo.
Leebert gropes his crotch and swallows hard. He looks over his shoulder again then clicks onto the picture. One little peek won’t hurt. Four separate videos pop up onto the screen. Leebert clicks onto the first one. Somebody’s grandmother is moaning and shouting,
“Fuck me, fuck me, oh, fuck me!”
Leebert undoes his trousers. His penis pops out. He masturbates; two seconds later he ejaculates on the laptop screen. “Fuck!” Sperm drips out of his penis and under the spacebar. “Shit!” Leebert selects pause on the video; picks up the laptop and tilts it upside down; the sperm on the screen drops onto the desk but hardly any drips out of the spacebar. With his pants down and his penis swinging he runs over and picks up a towel and wipes the screen. He puts down the laptop and pops out the spacebar and reaches for a tissue. He damps up as much of the semen as he can then pops back in the spacebar. He presses down on the bar and it springs back. Yes it’s working.
Leebert pulls up his pants and trousers. He shakes his head and stares at the paused image of the old lady gripping onto the back of the sofa as the young woman mounts her from behind.
He closes the window. He goes back into his emails and deletes all emails relating to porn – all 150 of them. The rest of the emails are retail 2 for 1 and discount offers and CV confirmations from companies. He deletes these and is brought to the last page of un- read emails. The email on top is from a free dating website. Leebert clicks into it. His pupils dilate, heat rises off his neck. He wipes the back of his head. Smiling from ear to ear he selects the link that di- rects him to the site. He signs in and reads the email. “Yes, I got a date!” His face drops as he reads the p.s. Wot time will u b picking me up?
Leebert grits his teeth. Damn! What should I write back? Leebert taps his fingers on the desk then replies, Howudoing - he deletes it and tries again but this time tapping the spacebar harder. He gets the same result. “Fuck!” Leebert presses the spacebar up and down but on each press the bar struggles to spring back until it stops.
Leebert reels back his head then slams his fist on the desk but this time catches the PC speaker.
Letting out a deep gasp of air Leebert writes the email like this: How-u-doing-babes?-yh-Fri-is-fine-but-my-car-as-gone-in-2-d-garage-4- a-service-and-I-won’t-get-it-back-till-Sat-so-if-its-OK-can-u-make-ur- own-way-down-2-da-wine-bar?-I’ll-meet-u-there@8.C-U-there,babes.LL.
Copyright © 2010-2015 by Nicholas Harrison P/K/A Von Mozar
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