Outrageous, insane, unbelievable, humorous and sexy!
Utter, utter madness is at the root of this very exciting and totally out of the ordinary tale of a British aristocrat, super hero and gentleman called, Erskine Quint, Esquire or Sir (not yet). His ultimate quest is to expose the truth behind humankind’s existence hidden in the real ‘Holy Grail’!
Erskine manoeuvres between time zones leaving the reader guessing and imagining from what era and which historical period he actually exists in, to no avail. The reader remains in a timeless zone, bouncing backwards and forwards between historical events in an outrageous ‘Pythonist bubble’ filled with insane adventures.
Excerpt
In the beginning, God and the Devil created humankind and when humankind
eventually stood up after years of being a four-legged thing, he became a two-legged thing
and then he discovered fire.
One starry, starry night (author breaks into a Don McLean classic) many
hundreds of thousands of years ago, two of the human species, a male and female,
ventured out of their cave to stare at the pristine clear heavens above, it was a special
night.
There was something different that evening because the normal, shiny, diamond
coloured stars and planets were interrupted by two pairs of eye-like shaped lights; one
pair a piercing red colour, the other ice-cold pale blue.
The male, strong, athletic, built like a huge silver-back gorilla, muscular legs,
but with slightly less hair, pointed into the sky and his female partner, even less hairy, but
with her hairless breasts (that’s sexier) proudly gleaming in the moonshine, pointed too.
Although it felt different than usual this evening the happy pair, protected by a
huge fire, romanced in the dark while their little one’s slept under the furs of freshly
slaughtered mammals caught the day before. They could feel something in the heavens
was observing them and they were right.
Erskine Quint intrepid adventurer extraordinaire in ‘Timeless Insanity’
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Suddenly out of nowhere, a shooting star flew across the heavens leaving a trail
of stardust. The star dropped 50 metres away. Not knowing what a star was, they
approached the glowing ‘alien’ cautiously.
Grunting and groaning, as early humans always did, they peered towards the
golden star-like object, which had dropped out of the sky. Once more they pointed
skywards to the strange coloured shapes that appeared to be observing their every move.
They blinked, the heavenly bodies that is.
The full moon was glowing as the male stooped to pick up the object that shined
brilliantly. It gave out a blinding light that lit up a trail way back towards the heavens
where the strange, eye-shaped lights were peering from; it seemed.
Suddenly from the east and the west two World War 1 flying, alien fighting
machines appeared like giant, buzzing winged hornets. One was a Fokker DR1, the other
a Bristol Fighter. In unison, they flew with great velocity towards the innocent pair; their
targets.
Not knowing from where these strange machines had appeared from. In
addition, not knowing what the hell they were, the Neanderthal couple picked up the shiny
object and run for their lives back towards the huge fire hoping it would protect them
from these strange, flying predators.
A battle resembling David against Goliath broke loose as the double-winged
flying machines zoomed and buzzed around the heads of their defenceless prey.
Unfortunately, not being a biblical tale, this time Goliath triumphed over David and,
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within seconds of opening fire with their deadly machine-guns, they cold-bloodily
slaughtered the innocent pair.
The scenario on the ground became soaked in blood as the machines buzzed
around their victims. The huge, dancing flames from the fire silhouetted the sky and
turned it into a fierce, bloody-red colour.
Professional Reviews
The New Douglas Adams Has arrived and He's Discovered the Real Meaning of Life Catherine Graham Writer and reviewer of comedy news
The New Douglas Adams Has arrived and He's Discovered the Real Meaning of Life
Catherine Graham Writer and reviewer of comedy news
Many years ago when I was a student I was introduced to the works of Douglas Adams, and it was very shortly after that that I went with him on a tour of the universe. He told me the meaning of life was 42 and I spent many evenings coming back from a magical Geordie college by the sea on the Metro reading about the exploits of Ford Prefect.
I became aware of many things through my literary travels with Adams. I learned that Yellow was a colour to start an adventure with, and that Androids are paranoid. I learned that there is a restaurant at the end of the Universe and that the last thing the Dolphins said before the world came to an end was "Goodbye and thanks for all the fish".
I had a friend called Nicola and she told me that there would never be another writer as good as Adams. She also added that Adams' ability to take the reader on an adventure could never be matched by another human being because he was a genius. And even though many people came close, those words held true for twenty years. Pratchett came very close, but it wasn't until this September that I came across a book that contained the same level of adventure, insanity and hilarity and I wished I still knew Nicola so I could phone her up and say. "You have to read this book. Its a bit like Douglas Adams...only better"
That book is Eskine Quint, Intrepid Adventurer Extraordinaire, and it is the story of the hunt for the source of all human madness, and of course, the Holy Grail. It is a pythonesque extravaganza of humour that starts in the Himalayas in India where Eskine and his faithful companion Kimjabi begin their quest by climbing Mount Everest. They then cause chaos in Paris, London and Rome. Then the adventure takes to the air and Erskine and Kimjabi go sailing across the Atlantic on a magical air balloon ride, whilst being pursued all the way by "a dark, dastardly cad, called Percival Smithers Bat-ears, Anthropologist Supreme."
Both Erskine and Bat-ears are following an ancient path of clues hidden within the darkest places in history where madness has done its worst damage. At some points this madness leads the reader to ponder on the saddest events in history and it makes you believe that yes the world really is mad. But as soon as the poignancy comes it is gone, because the pace of the story is so fast the writer leaves you with no time for tears. He replaces them with more fantastic one liners and an excellent slightly rude joke or two,
Erskine is an adventurer who enjoys his comforts, however and he is never without a new flash car or the company of a glamorous lady of the night. Unlike Smithers-Bat-ears who only has the one love, Volga Olga, a leading lady with a very big difference.
And that's just the beginning of the story. The story then goes on to reveal the meaning of the whole world, and the secret relationship between God and the Devil. And all this makes it just as good as Adams. The only problem I can see with this book is that L R Johnson has only written the one book. And after reading Ersquine Quint, I really wanted to go out and buy another one. But there isn't one. He's unique, and we'll all just have to wait until he writes the next one.
In the meantime, I think I'm going to go to the old bank street book shop in my town to see if they've got any old copies of the Hitchhiker's guide. I think its time for a re-read. Thank God for Douglas Adams...and of course L R Johnson.
Book Review – Erskine Quint Intrepid Explorer Extraordinaire by LR Johnson
Brought to you by Café Spike’s resident book reviewer, Ted Pemberton. This edition of ‘Erskine Quint intrepid explorer extraordinaire’ reviewed on Thursday 05/02/15 and brought exclusively to our readers in 3D, smellovision, and with subtitles for the visually impaired.
Hi, I’m Ted Pemberton, Café Spike’s resident book reviewer, and as most of you will already be aware, I hardly ever actually read the books which land on my desk because I’m usually too drunk to be able to focus on the print. However, in the case of LR Johnson’s fantasmagorical literary debut I’m really glad that I made an exception.
According to the office rumour mill there’s been a past history of animosity between our Editor in Chief and LR Johnson, but in fairness to Martin Shuttlecock he told me to forget all about that and look forward to a new dawn. He described ‘Erskine’ as a veritable tour de force and a work of utter genius which ought to be incorporated into the national curriculum.
So I actually read it – and it’s the work of a twisted and tortured genius.
Erskine travels through time, dispensing his unique philosophy to all who he comes across, uttering words of wisdom as he embarks upon his timeless quest to bring enlightenment to the world. This is a visceral page turner of the highest calibre, penned by the sharpest mind in generations.
Erskine is a lavish, eccentric, inspired examination of the spiritual possibilities of humanity, an unrivalled tour de force which can only possibly be improved upon by the subsequent sequels. The novel racks the tension (and the utter madness!) up by notch after notch as it leaves its unforgettable message scorched into the reader’s brain.
I can only recommend that everybody on Earth purchase a copy of this roller-coaster ride of sheer philosophical insanity and madness. The climax had my heart pounding fit to burst as my trembling fingers thumbed inexorably towards the climactic denouement.
I won’t spoil things, but I would strongly urge everybody to read this book as if your life depends on it, and I can safely say that upon finishing it, with adrenalin pulsing through your veins and hysterical laughter backing up in your throat, you’ll thank me for this recommendation, and you’ll thank LR Johnson for sharing the edge of the seat thrills in his own inimicable style.
Rumour has it – although as yet unconfirmed – that a major multi-million dollar summer blockbuster is in the offing. Surely a job for Steven Spielberg, or at the very least Michael Bay (of Transformers fame) or even the legendary Terry Gilliam.
*Erskine Quint Adventurer Extraordinaire is available from that website named after a big South American river and is a bargain at twice the recommended retail price.
**Café Spike supports independent authors who might occasionally see fit to slip us a back-hander in order to maintain our humble operation.
My response to a review from a dear Author colleague who obviously misinterpreted and apologised for his initial review. Here is his response and I wish to thank him for it!
"Apologies"
"Les, I was commenting on your description of Erskine Quint, not writing a review of the book. If I write a review, I always get the author's permission and their approval before posting the review where the book is sold. If I missed the boat on the brilliance of your work, I sincerely apologize. Yes, I have read you here before and found that you have an extraordinary intelligence and ability to do things that the rest of us can't. Therefore, based on the two reviews you sent me, you truly have produced a work that bears attention for its far-reaching look at the madness that real life plays out, like the charade that is going on in the administration of this great country right now. Utter madness. I don't read very much. One or two books a year. If a movie is made, I will probably see it before I read the book. But I have been dismayed with movies recently that come out of the British tradition like the latest Sherlock Holmes remake and even James Bond sequels. Erskine Quint may be something original and refreshing compared to those attempts at good humerus movies. Ron"
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Your excerpt is a description of the book. Unless this is a satire, right now I don't get the humor. It certainly does appear to be an outlandish character that you have developed. Like several British movies recently featuring outlandish characters that I stopped watching because they were so ridiculous, I don't think I'd like this book.
Thirteen Sick Tasteless Classics, Part II is adult literature featuring adult language and situations that satirizes thirteen famous novellas and short stories. It is Jay Dubya's sixteenth ebook.
Blod Ties - Fantasy, Romance. Romantasy? A bit of whimsy for the weekend. A naive British tourist John Gormley takes a holiday in the ancient, remote kingdom of Perarboria. He does not suspect that his holiday love affair with a local beauty is desti
