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Matt the Mage
Category:
Children
Publisher: Banana Books
Type: Fiction
Copyright: 2003
Parramatta Wheatslump is eleven years old, and lives on Starvation Station, somewhere in Australia, with his parents, Merv and Raelene. This is not a promising habitat for a boy who was born to be a mage... Maybe that's why Matt ends up halfway to Yewrope with a disguised camel, an Eyerish mermaid and a trail of mayhem bigger than himself... To be published soon by Banana Books, Matt the Mage is a funny fast-moving adventure stories for people whose spirits are bigger than they are.
It was daylight by now, and the two bats tried to hide their eyes under their wings. That was probably why they missed seeing the waterspout. The first thing Matt knew about it was when a splash of water fell on his furry head. Was he back on Starvation Station with Raelene dripping water from a washcloth on his face? An astonished chitter from Bertie shocked him awake.
The water was salty, and it was spraying rather than dripping. And as he noticed this, the basket lurched and tilted and hoisted into the air.
"What is it?" gasped Matt. "An upside down waterfall?"
"I think it's a waterspout, old chap," said Bertie. "It's sucking us out of the sea."
Matt felt the basket tilting wildly, wobbling and wallowing. "We're going to drown!" he gulped.
"Really? I thought we were going to Europe, old chap?" said Bertie.
"Yewrope!" gasped Matt. "Go Yewrope– go Yewrope– go Yewrope– eeeee!"
Sploooosh!
The basket had tumbled out of the waterspout. It landed in a rock pool, tipping Matt and Bertie into shallow water and startling the mermaid who was sitting on a nearby rock.
"Begorrah, ye spalpeens!" exclaimed the mermaid, tucking her tail out of the way. "Is it in me hair ye'd be getting, or is it me blood ye'd be afther sucking?"
"Huh?" Matt gawped at her, goggling at her iridescent tail, tumbling red hair and sea green eyes. "Who– what– where- how-?"
The mermaid sighed. "Sure," she complained, "it's pining for company I've been this year or more and what am I getting but a pair of bats. As for 'who', sure, me name is Sheelah O'Splash and I'm being a mermaid last time I was looking. As for 'where', sure, this is the Pool of O'Reilly O'Donnell, on the shore o' the land of Eyeland. As for 'how' – sure, I live here, and have every right to be perching on this rock." She pointed a long forefinger straight at Bertie and Matt. "Which is more than I can be saying for either o' ye."
Matt crawled out of the water and spread his wings to dry. "Why are you talking like that?" he asked plaintively. "And how are you possible? Mermaids don't exist."
"Nor do talking bats, I'm thinking," said Sheelah O'Splash. "But since ye're in complete agreement wid me mam and me da… where was I?"
"You mean, your mum and dad don't believe in you either?" asked Matt.
Sheelah shrugged, making her hair ripple. "That they do not, me good bat, only that here I am before thim." She sighed. "Sure, it's human they be, entirely, and utterly destroyed to be having a fish-tailed freak for a daughter. But then-" she grinned suddenly – "it's equally destroyed I am at having tail-less freaks for me parents! And what of ye? How does a bat come to be so conversational?"
"I'm not a real bat," said Matt, "and neither's Bertie. I'm really a boy, but I'm on my way to Yewrope to find a mage-tutor."
"Whativer for?" asked Sheelah.
"So I can learn proper magery," said Matt, "and stop getting hearthrugs and earwigs when I want bathplugs, and not drown the desert when I just want some rain."
"It's understanding ye I am entirely," said Sheelah. "Ye're off on an adventure, because it's tired ye're being of insects and soft furnishings and plumbing fixtures." She nodded. "It's tired I am of shamrocks and fishnets and peat fires and taties entirely," she added. "I'm thinking I'll be accepting your kind invitation."
"Huh?" said Matt. He couldn't remember offering her any invitations.
Excerpt
Fifth Question: What do you do if a camel follows you home?
Fifth Answer: There isn't much you can do, but hide your bathplugs.
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