A compilation of 3 of Belisle's screwball screenplays ... In "Gift Bomb", a compulsive giver tries making good on a bad gift to his wife ... while terrorists move in across the street. "PHAT" features a mountain of a Mississippi man who waddles forth for the overweight in an America where obesity is illegal. In "Newfie, Come Home!" Maritimer Gord McDougall is going to be a somebody. By killing himself.
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Excerpt
From "Gift Bomb" ...
FADE IN
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE -- DAY
It’s winter 1984. A six-year-old GILBERT BEAUFROMAGE and his mother, MONIQUE, stand outside the Montreal store. To the right of the door, a HOMELESS MAN, shivering in his overcoat, sits on the ground.
Mrs. Beaufromage gives Gilbert two quarters from her purse.
MRS. BEAUFROMAGE
Here’s your allowance, Gilbert. You may go and buy some sweets.
Gilbert races for the store. He pulls open the door and stops. He looks down at the homeless man, who’s mouthing words to nobody in front of him.
Gilbert slowly closes the door and approaches the poor man. Mrs. Beaufromage puts her hand to her mouth as she watches her son give the homeless man his allowance.
GILBERT (V.O.)
That’s me, Gilbert Beaufromage. I didn’t find out til later in life but. . . I’m a compulsive giver.
(BREAK)
Most often, like my fifty-cent donation, it was innocent.
(BREAK)
Sometimes . . . it was awkward.
INT. SCHOOLROOM -- DAY
A child’s hand places an apple on the female school teacher’s desk. She’s correcting papers and doesn’t look up.
TEACHER
(very curt)
Thank you, Richard.
A ten-year-old GILBERT struggles under the weight of a watermelon as he trudges up the aisle between the desks. He unloads the watermelon on top of the desk. The teacher looks up, wide-eyed.
Several PEOPLE giving blood rest on beds while NURSES tend to them.
GILBERT (V.O.)
And sometimes . . . well --
A 16-year-old GILBERT, wearing an obviously fake moustache, sits on one of the beds. NURSE #1 prepares to take a unit of blood from him.
NURSE #1
You look familiar. You weren’t in here two weeks ago, were you?
GILBERT
Uh, no.
The nurse pokes him with the needle. Blood starts oozing out. Gilbert’s eyes glaze over and he promptly collapses.
NURSE #1
E-e-e-e-e-k!
The other nurses come running.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DOCTOR’S OFFICE -- DAY
Gilbert sits on the bench outside the doctor’s office.
GILBERT (V.O.)
Since I was only 16, I didn’t get the whole story. I didn’t get any of the story.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE -- DAY
Gilbert’s mother and father, JEAN-CLAUDE, sit across the desk from DR. LAFRAMBOISE. Jean-Claude puffs on a cigar. The doctor polishes his glasses and SIGHS.
MONIQUE
What is it doctor?
DR. LAFRAMBOISE
A rare disease, I’m afraid. Colossus generosus. It’s in your son’s nature to give. Big time. There’s no known cure.
MONIQUE
But what can we do?
DR. LAFRAMBOISE
(to Monique)
Better not to tell him.
(to Jean-Claude)
You see, his heart’s in the right place.
JEAN-CLAUDE
(uncomfortable)
You’re the doctor.
DR. LAFRAMBOISE
The point is . . . he’s not hurting any one. If we told him it would only make him self-conscious of it. He may withdraw, become reclusive -- never to give of himself again. Who wants that?
MONIQUE
What about medication?
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET -– DAY
Gilbert stands before an attractive girl, LISA, who is his own age.
GILBERT (V.O.)
My mother thought every pill held a miracle and the doctor’s illegible signature on the bottle was meant to keep it that way.
Gilbert smiles at Lisa. She smiles back. He holds a Valentine’s Day card and offers it to her. Blushing, she doesn’t take the card. She bites her lip. She’s playing hard to get.
LISA
I don’t know.
Gilbert thrusts the card at her.
GILBERT
Take it, goddamn it!
Lisa storms off.
GILBERT (V.O.)
End of medication.
INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT -– NIGHT
Christmas decorations sparkle throughout the Hollywood, Florida establishment.
GILBERT (V.O.)(CONT’D)
The next ten years were a blur. I got a job shoveling snow in Montreal and buried myself in my work. Then one day I saw the woman I would give my life for. Suzanne.
The stunningly attractive SUZANNE BEAUFROMAGE, 30, sits with GILBERT, 30, at a window table with a sunset beach view.
EXT. MONTREAL CONSTRUCTION OFFICE -– DAY
A nearby window offers a view outside of a raging snowstorm.
GILBERT (V.O.)(CONT’D)
I worked overtime so we could winter in Florida.
Gilbert’s boss, MARC BOILEAU, 50, stands with his coffee in front of Gilbert.
BOILEAU
You can’t book off February!
Boileau points out the window.
BOILEAU
What the hell is that?
GILBERT
I’m going nuts, Marc!
BOILEAU
We all are.
GILBERT
You don’t understand. I need to take Suzanne south.
BOILEAU
Why? Is she sick or something?
Gilbert’s face registers that possibility.
INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT –- NIGHT
A horse race is on the overhead monitor at the nearby bar. Suzanne catches Gilbert watching the race. She gently uses her finger on his face to direct his attention back to her.
SUZANNE
Did you bet on the race?
GILBERT
No. Uh, of course not.
SUZANNE
That’s good . . . because the only thing I want you gambling on, Gilbert Beaufromage . . . is me.
They pause to gaze at each other.
SUZANNE (CONT’D)
Ah. Winter in Florida. Where the only chill is on the Zinfadel.
GILBERT
Nothing’s too good for my little traffic-stopper.
SUZANNE
Silly. I’m a flag girl.
Suzanne takes a sip of wine.
SUZANNE (CONT’D)
Has it really been six weeks since our wedding day?
GILBERT
Two days, five hours and --
He checks his watch.
GILBERT (CONT’D)
Twenty-eight minutes.
SUZANNE
Oh, sweetie-kins. It seems just like yesterday you went past in your big snow plow.
GILBERT
I’d shovel all the snow in Montreal for you.
Gilbert and Suzanne stare dreamily into each others eyes.
GILBERT (CONT’D)
May I reroute your emerald eyes toward a small token of my undying love?
SUZANNE
The sign says go.
Gilbert reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small jewelry box. He hands it to her.
SUZANNE (CONT’D)
Oh, Gilbert.
She takes it and opens it. Inside is a subway token.
GILBERT
Good for one trip aboard the Gilbert Express to Passionville.
But Suzanne isn’t laughing.
GILBERT (CONT’D)
What? Is it too small? I could get something bigger.
SUZANNE
My uncle died in the subway.
GILBERT
Oh. Uh . . . why didn’t you tell me this before?
SUZANNE
(sobbing)
It’s not something the family is very proud of.
Gilbert gives her a napkin. He reaches for her hand.
GILBERT
But Suzanne . . . good, honest people ride the subway every day.
SUZANNE
No, no. You don’t understand. It’s the way he died.
GILBERT
What? Was he mugged? Did he fall off the platform? Is there an honorable way to die in the subway?
Suzanne jumps to her feet. Other CUSTOMERS turn to watch.
SUZANNE
He peed on the third rail, okay?!
Gilbert winces. Suzanne rushes off to the ladies room. Gilbert checks his watch.
GILBERT
(toward Suzanne)
Does this count as our first fight?
INT. PERFUME COUNTER –- DAY
Chin in hand, Gilbert mulls over the vast display of perfumes. A prim-looking FEMALE CLERK, 50, looks Gilbert up and down from the other side of the counter.
CLERK
Let me guess. Newlywed spat make-up gift.
GILBERT
Damn you’re good.
CLERK
That’s why they let me keep these counters sparkling. Blonde or brunette?
GILBERT
Hair color matters?
CLERK
Honey, everything matters.
GILBERT
Uh, blonde.
CLERK
Oh, she’ll love this.
The clerk takes out a round, black bottle bearing the name “Da Bomb”. With the top of the bottle shaped like a fuse, it indeed looks like a bomb.
GILBERT
Da Bomb?
CLERK
Teen-speak for someone guaranteed to rock your world.
GILBERT
What’s it smell like?
CLERK
Simmering whale blubber on a sun-baked beach.
Gilbert’s skeptical.
CLERK (CONT’D)
Deary, it all comes from the same place.
GILBERT
I’d still like to smell the stuff.
CLERK
Okay. Although I should warn you, if you open that bottle,
(leering sexily)
I can’t be held responsible.
Gilbert pauses. He returns the bottle to the counter.
GILBERT
Sold.
EXT. DINKLEBERRY BACKYARD –- DAY
FBI AGENT DANIEL DINKLEBERRY, 25, empties his kitty litter box into the sandbox. Above him, his laundry -- including his FBI-emblazoned jacket -- hangs from the clothesline. Dinkleberry lives next door to the Beaufromages.
SUZANNE (O.S.)
E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-K!
Dinkleberry instantly cocks his ear toward the scream.
INT. BEAUFROMAGE BEDROOM –- CONTINUOUS
The window is open. Suzanne sits at her vanity and stares into the mirror. Her face is red and very swollen.
SUZANNE (CONT’D)
(sobbing)
Da Bomb!
EXT. DINKLEBERRY BACKYARD –- CONTINUOUS
Dinkleberry pays rapt attention to the voice from the Beaufromage house. Meanwhile, behind him and across the street, four Middle Eastern men: AKBAR, 45; the menacing AL-WAHHAAB, 35; the rotund AL-QAABID, 30; and the diminutive KASHISH-KABOB, 20, unload crates from a truck and carry them into the house facing Dinkleberry’s. There are “DANGER” markings on the crates. The procession goes unseen by the agent.
SUZANNE (O.S.) (CONT’D)
My face! Look what Da Bomb did to my face!
INT. HAIR SALON –- DAY
A gay hair stylist, ANTONIO, pokes at Suzanne’s hair. She’s wearing dark sunglasses over a face swathed in white bandages. She looks like a mummy.
ANTONIO
The beast! What happened? Did he catch you in bed with another man?
SUZANNE
No, he did this because he loves me.
ANTONIO
Wake up and smell the formaldehyde, mummy. Sounds like a practical joker to me.
Suzanne mulls it over.
SUZANNE
Do you think?
ANTONIO
Of course.
SUZANNE
But –
ANTONIO
All’s fair in nooky and nuclear war.
SUZANNE
I don’t know if I can go through with this.
Write a Hollywood screenplay! Professional screenwriter William C. Martell takes you step-by-step through the process of writing an action, adventure, or thriller script!
