Category: Humor Type: Fiction
Pages: 280
Copyright: Aug 1 2001
WINNER of the 2002 Independent E-Book Award for Humor
MY LIFE AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN is a light-hearted account of growing up during the 50s in Detroit.
Benedict S. Snippet is a boy from a middle-class family who does mostly ordinary things. It's just his luck that sometimes they have extraordinary consequences. For example, spilling coffee is not so terrible — unless you spill it on your history teacher at a Jesuit high school who happens to be a retired four-star admiral and chooses to make you an example to the class of his extraordinary view of the difference between politicians and military men.
One of Ben's earliest memories is his school's paper drive in the third grade. It's not very remarkable until his eighth-grade brother, Vince, decides that the school could earn a lot more money making bullets and bombs in support of the Korean War.
Ben's fourth-grade imagination convinces him he is responsible for exposing mankind to possible extinction when he inadvertently solves the mystery of evolution in the ant kingdom. His meddling with the natural balance of smart ants and stupid ants has given the smart ants the edge. This is his first experience with the power of the scientific method.
With the launch of Sputnik, Ben is bitten by the rocket bug and joins the Detroit Rocket Society. His best high-school friend, Hatch, founded the society, and Ben is its second and final member. The society declines after a pair of rocketry mishaps. Later, Ben shares with Hatch his plan to make an impression on an Immaculata girl. In the process, Ben loses a major battle with a cigarette machine in front of the entire senior class and then loses the girl, too.
There are stories about Ben's father's bulldozer-to-artist career, Ben's introduction to poetry and love with a Pueblo Indian girl, the downside of making rash assumptions about an ailurophobic neighbor, and many others.
MY LIFE AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN is a series of vignettes tied together by Ben and his family and friends. It is mostly humorous, but even a life that should have been has sadness and touching characters — like Junior, who delivers newspapers until his old World War II injuries disable him. Ben learns the meaning of loyalty from Junior whose devotion to Plymouth makes him forsake all other cars. MY LIFE AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN spans forty-six years with the many memorable characters who became a part of that life.
Excerpt
“Now children, I have a special announcement that I know you all will treasure greatly.” Sister Mary Bellica stood before us with most of her withered flesh well hidden within the folds of her habit. Her face described her years of service like the rings of a fallen tree.
“Remember the story we were reading last week in which Joseph Louis knocked out Maximilian Schmeling? Can any of you remember the old name for that sport?”
One hand flew up immediately. It was Sarah Hawks, as usual. She sat in the front row, three seats closer than me, but toward one side of the room. Sister looked pleadingly around at the boys but was greeted only with blank stares. As she scanned the room, her wire-rimmed glasses mirrored flashes of fluorescent lights above, like white-hot flares.
Meanwhile, the delicate wiggling of Sarah’s hand quickly changed into a waving flag. Finally Sister could no longer ignore Sarah’s grunts which had now become, “Sister! Sister!”
“Yes, Sarah.”
“Pugilism, Sister,” she exhaled.
“Yes, of course. You boys knew that, didn’t you?”
We nodded.
Between fluorescent flashes from her lenses, and I could read betrayal in her eyes.
“Who can tell me how many rounds that famous match consumed?”
This time, Sarah, Barbara Schleik, and Karen Jory all raised their hands. Sister scanned the class for a boy’s hand.
“Frederick Fanning, you surely remember that singular number.”
The three hands reached higher with support from the other hand of each pair.
“Benedict Snippet, you were engrossed by that dramatic account. Tell us that small, unitary number.”
I gulped and thanked the crucified Jesus swinging from her belt for the bright lights overhead which hid her eyes from me.
“Yes, we all remember Mr. Louis knocked out the German in the first round, don’t we?”
Three hands dropped with sighs. Many heads nodded.
“Now here’s some of the wonderful news. You boys and girls have fine young bodies, and we know how important it is to use our bodies in service to our Lord. Toward this end, I have arranged for half the class to attend a professional boxing match.”
A cheer rose from the entire class. Sister beamed as she released her spotted hands from their hiding place behind her white scapular and raised them in a request for silence. “The other half of the wonderful news is that I have procured a most inspirational movie entitled The Life of Florence Nightingale for the girls to watch while the boys attend the boxing match.”
Another cheer rose from half the class, while the girls just looked at each other for a while. Then a few whines mounted with Sarah leading the “But Sister …” protests.
“Girls … Girls. Such an event as a pugilism match is most unsuitable for your highly impressionable minds. That’s why I have seen fit to provide alternate guidance for you. We will pop popcorn for the movie which will be shown in the gym under the supervision of Mrs. Preen.”
I heard a gag from some girl behind me.
“I’m sure you will have a most enlightening time while I myself oversee the boys’ introduction to the manly art of self defense. This is a subject that no proper young lady could ever find appealing.”
From the look on Sarah’s face, I thought she was on the verge of starting a very improper rebellion.
“But Sister,” she whimpered, “You’re going to the match.”
“I shan’t listen to sniveling girls who do not have the sagacity to understand such things. Besides, I am merely discharging my duty as a responsible preceptor.”
We immediately began grammar class by diagramming sentences from our Baltimore Catechism. Today’s exercise dealt with Jesus driving the money changers from the temple. The lesson filled our blackboard, attended by the lines and symbols of a more structured age.
