A hilarious look at the seamier side of the IT industry and the absurdity of work in the 21st Century. Now available in ebook format from Double Dragon Publishing and Fictionwise and in paperback format from lulu.com.
In a future too close for comfort, the world is run by homicidal marketing managers who kill for love, company and the almighty promotion. Everything is turned upside down and nobody is safe.
Set in the world’s tallest building, which has been created in the image of the Leaning Tower of Pisa - lean and all - TEAM PLAYER takes you through a hair-raising maze of intrigue, murder, mass suicide, hillbilly brain cells, rampaging neutrinos, angry Italian ghosts, Bolshevik computers, and thirty naked pagan women who save the universe … with a little help from a man who thinks he’s a tree.
TEAM PLAYER is a hilarious romp through the world of work in the 21st Century, a world where the key question is: Why work?
Excerpt
There was trouble in the King's Basement. It sniffed through the shadowy rows of shelves and racks of journals and dog-eared periodicals; it scratched at the metal filing cabinets and wooden storage cases; it gnashed between the yellowing sheets of documents and papers, correspondence and court orders. Trouble was on the prowl, and it bristled like static-charged soil in that instant just before the lightning strikes.
***
Now, the King's Basement was really the basement of the Family Court Building but it was commonly referred to as the King's Basement because it was told that a chauffeur-driven limousine had skidded to a stop in the summer of late1930-something, and out popped none other than King George of England himself (who was en route to the Capital on a highly secret whirlwind tour to drum up support for the approaching war). His Hurried Highness scurried up the stairs and ducked into the Family Court Building, ran downstairs to the building's only toilet and established his Royal Territorial Rights “down there in the basement where they keep all them files,” said Lucas Barton, the town's oldest living senior with a memory. “Peed the same color's the rest of us accordin' to Gail Bright, the cleanin' lady who washed the toilet that night and said His Highness was the only man who used the john there in probably a month. An' he was none too good a shot.”
And now, over half a century later, the quietude of this solemn place was peed away again by a gasp, a breathless silence, several quick heartbeats, and a cluck of astonishment.
Elsie Delaney stared semi-wide-eyed at the open file in her shaking hands as two lazy ceiling fans nudged particles of air floating around in the dust. In all her years in the Family Court Building, she'd never seen anything quite like this, never. From somewhere outside the barred window at the end of the aisle, a car horn honked twice, then twice more. Elsie's cheeks were flushed and brilliant crimson against the background of a high and wide shock of white hair.
“Oh my goodness.” Her voice was almost a whisper, a whisper that threatened to scream in disbelief and turn His Majesty's Quietude on its Devine Butt. “Oh my.”
She laid the file on top of a bounded set of legal journals, rust red and dust-caked since God knows when, and she rummaged through the papers in the file. Her fingers and palms moistened with tension as her shoulders stiffened under her chocolate brown cardigan. “This is strange. This is very strange, indeed.”
And when she finished checking every paper in the file, she rechecked, and then checked them again, held each up to an electric light over her head and rubbed them between thumb and forefinger to make sure nothing was stuck together.
“Oh my goodness. That poor man.” Elsie picked the file up off the learned volumes and closed it. “How am I going to tell him?” File in hand, she hobbled between the towering stacks to the door.
“I certainly hope he hasn't remarried.”
Professional Reviews
A Surrealistic Tale of Corporate Reality
Malcolm Gray, called Mal, is your average everyday guy. He wakes up, goes to work, goes to meetings, and goes home. Oh, yeah, and he hangs out in trees when he's feeling stressed. Then his life begins to crumble. It starts when he finds out that the woman he thought was his ex-wife isn't - they never actually got divorced! Then, through some random cosmic act, Mal begins to question the world around him, beginning with the company he's employed by.
His questions set off a chain reaction of immense proportions. Suicides, evil plots, madness and insanity ricochet through the towering diPisano building, warping minds and sending every character bouncing off the others. From diPiano himself down to the lowly Marketing clones, this one day will spell the end of their dreams. For some, it will be the beginning of their nightmare. All Mal wants to know is if the huge comany ErectSoft, Inc has ever actually finished one of the many custom software projects that have been started through the years. The answer itself is meaningless, but the course to the truth is full of pitfalls and universal mayhem. If he can stay sane - and alive - he might just learn the secrects behind the diPisano buidling, and behind diPiasano himself, as well.
Hilarious, and ringing with wry truth, TEAM PLAYER is a novel best enjoyed by those who can appreciate the absurdity of modern life. Written in a distinctive style, the book is full of vividly painted characters and odd, nearly unbelievable events that all tie together in the end, though are a bit confusing before you get there. Lovingly detailed, Mitchell uses a series of scenes, emails and vignettes to lead the reader spellbound and helpless wiht incredulous laughter. His characterization is deep, yet the book itself is easily read. Off-beat, darkly humorous and all-to-realistic, TEAM PLAYER is a truly great read.
Reviewed by Ann Leveille in The Best Reviews
From Blue Iris Journal by Susan DiPlacido
It's really not going to be a good day for Mal Gray. He works in the world's tallest building, a replica of the Leaning Tower of Pisa; he's just found out he never officially divorced his wife; he's got a hoard of rogue neutrinos steaming a line straight to his brain and all he wants to do is sit in the tree in his office and escape the hundreds of mindless e-mails bombarding him.
This is just the first couple of pages of Biff Mitchell's satire, Team Player. In this book, Biff weaves a bombastic and hilarious parody of corporate life into the possible destruction of the universe. Unfortunately for Mal, instead of being able to stay in his tree he's struck with an odd question on this day. As the jargon- filled e-mails keep hitting his inbox, he suddenly wonders exactly what the hell he's doing. He wonders what everyone at his company is doing. And then he asks the question out loud: Do we actually finish any projects here?
As Mal digs deeper, he uncovers layers of depravity and sinister motivations behind the company and the building where he works. It seems that not only is the company a methodically corrupt business that enslaves its customers but the building is a beacon for an otherworldly, destructive, sentient thing. Believe me, it all gets pulled together, but to divulge too much here would ruin the pleasure of unwrapping the mysteries contained in this book.
Mal is a solid centering character amid the large cast of outlandish ones. Inside these pages you'll find homicidal marketing "clones;" lemming-like mass suicidal employees; a sultry executive; an unstoppable, philosophical, evil, adversarial entity as the villain and thirty naked pagan women.
For those who like their reading material literal and rooted in reality with concise, crisp plots, this novel isn't for you. But if you're willing to take the dive into the surreal realm where bats fly out of evil people's eyes and where parody is exploited for laughs of absurdity and is sprinkled with racy humor and outlandish, winding events, you'll probably love this book. The tension builds, the prose sings, and laughs keep coming as the multiple plot ingredients congeal beautifully. Team Player tackles the absurdity of corporate life, specifically the IT industry; but it ends up being more than the sum of just these wacky parts. It's a fresh, vibrant, and engrossing read that'll keep you laughing even while you're on the edge of your seat.
Anne K. Edwards in Blether
Malcolm Gray works in the Bonanno building, tallest in the world, for Erectsoft, INC, a software company that offers solutions to its clients. Problems arise when changes are affected in more ways than one within and around the company and its employees. And Mal who has never questioned his place as one of the cogs in this great industrial mass begins to wonder if he should. Author Biff Mitchell writes with humor and understanding in this satirical social commentary. You will meet the faceless worker clone who is afraid to use his or her own judgement in doing their job, the supervisors who have risen above their levels of incompetency, the boss who deludes himself into thinking his employees love him as well as the few bold individuals who dare stand alone, even if it leaves them up a tree. A tale where you will identify with the characters who ownder if anything ever gets completed, where spies watch each other, and everyone plays victim to someone else. By indulging in sidewise thinking, you may even come to understand why some characters use strang methods to resolve their problems. Read and find out why Mal is called the last great man, why he is the chosen one to save the world. Guaranteed to make you see industrial complexes with new eyes and as if they make life unnecessarily complicated just to have a market for their goods. A story to satisfy any lover of futuristic or satirical reads.
Deputy Dave Jenkins sets out to find the murderer of the local high school principal, aided by a voice from the grave that is sometimes helpful and sometimes misleading.
"Murder isn't usually this funny."
Amazon reviewer
Farctured Frazzled Folk Fables and Fairy Farces, Part II satirizes popular children's stories into adult-oriented renditions. FFFF &FF, Part II is also available in Amazon Kindle and Barnes and Noble e-book formats.
