my amnesia and panic attacks.  The authorities on cults identified a phenomenon

called “snapping”, in which those who finally break away have a sudden awakening

to reality that allows them to break free of the incredibly strong messages that terrify

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them into staying.  For me, snapping to occurred resultant to the endorsement of our

guru, Michael Rapunzel, of the Jim Jones mass suicide incident in Jonestown in the

mid 80’s.  I finally went over a threshold that began to restore me to the life I had

thrown away when I joined in 1971  

Dark Night of the Soul

I felt like a non-entity.  I finally got away and went to the ocean and I  

was standing there thinking I should be able to feel something,  I had always been

passionate about the ocean.  But I was standing there watching the waves and

feeling absolutely nothing.  I felt like pinching myself awake.  I just couldn’t feel.  It

was so horrible. I felt like I was trapped in some black and white, soundless movie.  

After I left the cult and went back to school, I saw a film that I guess was supposed to

be depicting the state of mind of a long-term cocaine abuser.  The imagery portrayed

exactly how I’d felt.  I think the protagonist was looking, through a smeary fog , at a

city in the distance everything looked grey , lifeless, and kind of one-dimensional.

Then it had the protagonist, a female, describing what I felt, which was a complete

loss of emotion. I was shocked. I’d been moving along in my life as if  I was more in a

dream than awake, I’d often sort of mused about a fog or about being underwater .

When I re-emerged  I was washed up.