There is no greater sin than the lie we tell ourselves.
Kevin Jerome Rivers had it all: brilliant career; a son with his beautiful and equally successful childhood sweetheart, Gabrielle, and a loving, supportive extended family. The Broadway star was living the life many people only dreamed of. Who cares that his career was rooted in a lie, or that the lie would nearly destroy his best friend? So what that his marriage was born out of convenience, habitual sex, promises made by conflicted adolescents and manipulated by his controlling and sinister father-in-law, the bishop of one of the South's largest mega-churches?
Just as Kevin's web of deception begins to unravel, he meets Rev. Dr. Kyle Tye, the celibate, dread-locked giant, doctor of theology, and master of music, psychology and Tae Kwon Do... with dimples. Kyle's got his own problems. God's on his back about saving the world from gay bashing, hypocrisy, self-loathing and the overall human condition. With the weight of the world, or at least two churches, on his shoulders, he's got to figure out how to break into the gospel music industry and stop the bloodshed.
But what about love?
Excerpt
“What’s the matter?” Gabrielle rushed backstage as soon as she received the text from Kevin. It read simply, ‘dressing room! hurry!’ “You’re not supposed to be in here.” she whispered.
“Ah, that’s not what the sign on the door says.” He pulled her roughly toward him. “I just need a minute. You know I hate these things,” he lied, referring to the opening of his latest play. Kissing her bare shoulder, he tossed her bag and wrap onto the sofa.
“You love these things. Someone’s going to come looking for you. Don’t you go on in three minutes?” Gabby remained unaffected but thought, “I did not fly seven hundred miles to be your fluffer (again), KJ!”
“We’ve got plenty of time. I need you, Gabby… Please…”
“Perhaps you should come home more often.” She looked into his eyes and saw the desperation. She knew he loved her, had always loved her and their son, Ethan. She never imagined living such a ridiculous life – his secret wife. It seemed so foolish. She loved him, she understood. He was an artist! The theatre was his life, and he’d made his way in it the old fashion way, he’d earned it; even if the method was less than conventional. For the past eight years, he’d been living the role of a lifetime: Talented, twenty-something, semi-closeted - but very gay, small town boy turned headliner, struggling to live a private life, in the Big Apple. Initially, it was just to get the part; then it was to keep his standing as male lead / principal dancer. But there was always a reason to keep the lie going. Besides, that kind of ‘real life’ drama came naturally to Kevin. He was almost as beautiful as he was talented, and never minded working it to get the next job. Still, there were limits. He’d bat his long lashes at a casting director, and sit through a boring round of drinks with producers to present his script. They all thought he was just faithful, “but anything could happen… gay men are very fickle, you know…” Whatever the objective, he never actually strayed and always went home to her, eventually.
Gabby knew she was just as responsible for the charade as Kevin was. Putting her vows before her better judgment, she accepted and supported him completely. Gabby believed in Kevin’s talent and had recognized, even warned him of, the trap he was walking into. On the other hand, she had trouble saying, “no” to him, and knew that things would be that way as long as she played along. She was frankly a little afraid of what would happen to their relationship, their marriage …her lifestyle, if she called an end to the game. Would he leave her if she demanded they be a regular family? She knew he’d have to. He couldn’t function in the regular world. He was all about drama – literally, and he kept her entertained. The question remained whether she could continue to live half a life as his ‘best supporting actress’. She wasn’t foolish enough to think she’d ever be co-star. However reckless, or just plain sad, their situation was all too familiar to Gabby. She’d watched her mother play only bit parts in her father’s life and ministry for decades. She’d accepted it as just something some women had to put up with. Gabby kept telling herself that it was ‘no major sacrifice, really’. Their life in North Carolina was fabulous; her trips to New York made her the envy of all her friends, and the sex, when they had it, was…never boring.
She reached to get a condom from her purse.
“I don’t need it. This performance, my beloved, is all about you.” He slid to the floor, pulling her down with grace only a trained dancer could display.
Gabby chuckled, thinking, “Of course! Let’s make this all about me, because THAT will surely send me outta here looking like I just had sex. God forbid we just phone-in a good ole fashioned quickie! You want me flushed, biting my lips and messing up my makeup! Selfish bastard!”
What Gabby didn’t know was that Kevin did realize he was already asking too much of his wife. While, subconsciously, he was using her to relieve his opening night anxiety, he was deliberately, (and she’d kill him when she figured this out), using her to get into character. He wasn’t about to treat her like a ho in the process. He just took for granted that she’d be appreciative of the gesture – his attempt to jumpstart their rare weekend together with a little adventure. Besides, he was good at that. Not by coincidence, he was almost as skilled (technically anyway) a lover as he was an entertainer; and as an entertainer he was great at everything.
Nevertheless, Kevin had yet to convince his wife that what he had in mind was worth wrinkling her dress. So Gabby slid only halfway down the wall, settling into that position her trainer used to punish her when she admitted to eating junk food. She could stay like that for at least twenty minutes before her thighs burst into flames. She could cross her legs and read a book like that for ten. She focused on a spot on the wall and cursed the man, “it must have been a man!” who invented stilettos.
Kevin stared up at her from his position on the couch. Disheveled, wearing a cheap cotton suit and synthetic, clip on tie, he even made ‘down on his luck, out of work inventor, on the brink of success, but about to give up and drink himself to death’ look hot and still convincing as a character! Gabby tried not to look at her him and instead focused her energies on her pep-talk-to-self. “Damn him. Be strong, Gabby. It’s just Kevin. You can do it. You can get up from this wall and walk back to your seat like nothing ever happened, your dignity intact. You do not have to be his…, his…whatever he wants you to be right now! Yes, I know it’s been six weeks – BOB (Battery-Operated-Boyfriend) doesn’t count; but there’s a principle at stake here! You wait for him ALL THE TIME! He can wait for you through three acts and a shower! That’s less time than it took to do your hair! You can get your fix later, when he comes to you, in your suite at the Westin. He is not that irresistible. You can do this!”
“Come here.” Yes, he was; and no, she could not.
Gabrielle, the Baptist preacher’s daughter resigned herself to submit to her husband; and Gabby the educated, modern woman started to move, albeit slowly, remaining annoyed, uncooperative, and uncharacteristically belligerent. “You do know your dick is hanging out, don’t you?”
He laughed out loud at her vulgarity. “Shut up and come here. Please?” Gabby continued her resistance and for a moment, Kevin actually thought he’d need to seek motivation elsewhere. The clock was ticking. Reading his thoughts, or perhaps a more visible indication of his waning enthusiasm, Gabby shifted ever so slightly, relaxing just enough that he could slide his hand up her skirt. “I see you’re playing the victim today. That’s okay; I don’t need your help. Don’t know why you’re actin’ like you don’t love it; you don’t have any panties on!” This revelation made her giggle and finally, showing her own bit of balance and grace, completely surrender her protest.
While his mouth was busy pleasing Gabby, Kevin’s hands were busy pleasing himself, and Gabby wondered momentarily why he needed her help to masturbate. “It is after all, by definition a solo sport.”
“Kevin!” she gasped and tried not to scream. Quickly, before it was too late, she moved to return the favor. It was too late, and she was not surprised that he’d finished at precisely the same moment she did. She would surely die of shock if he ever did anything traditional, like kiss her, or allow her to reciprocate.
“Nope! Gotta go! My public awaits!” He lifted her off of him and onto the leather couch with one smooth motion. With another, he was on his feet and standing in front of the sink. He washed up quickly and splashed cold water on his face. “Ahhh! Now I can face the world!” He held out his hand, she took it and he pulled her from the couch close to him. “Thank you. Will you wait up for me?”
She winked at him, hoping to conceal the empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. “You know I will; but do you mind if I stay and see the show?”
He smiled at her patience and devotion. “You know I’d be devastated if you didn’t. Who did you bring?”
“Claire and Joy”
“Please tell them I said ‘thanks for coming’”. I’m looking forward to next weekend.”
“Liar!”
“Uh, uh, uh, I am an actor!” He struck a pose and then relaxed. His face softened and she saw a hint of sadness, then the smile she adored. He kissed her softly and turned to the stage to wait for his cue. She watched him enter the scene as she had many times before, to thunderous applause.
“Break a leg.” She whispered, when he was too far away to hear. She returned to his dressing room to compose herself. Looking in the mirror, she asked out loud, “how the hell did we get here?”
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