A dream I had? I'm not sure. I wasn't even sure of the Category. Originaly written in 1980, I've just decided to edit and expand by writing a preamble and a an ending.
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Full Circle
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I was sitting at the table; in one hand I was holding a glass of wine, a very fine Cabernet Sauvignon a La Roche 1963. Before me two candles were spluttering, casting shadows on the walls and furniture. Earlier I had been reading Idries Shah’s “Secret lore of magic”, as part of my research into material for a short play, Playing around with Demon Seals, and Spells. So the whole scene tended to seem a bit spooky.
While I was sitting there, sipping on my wine, the thought passed through my mind, “Why do we continue to struggle, what is the meaning of all this, this life which seems so meaning less?”
To me life seemed somewhat worthless, all my life I had experienced nothing but pain, and death. And now to top it off, I had discovered my wife had been up to her old tricks.
I should have been immune by now, the affairs, the arguments over her continual nagging about, religion, (She Had it, I did not want it), but no, I loved her and I had given my vows. To me a vow is something tied to Honour, and a gentleman keeps his vows until released from them, no matter what.
I sat watching the candle flames rise up and twist, seemingly together, making a single flame instead of two. It was hypnotic, as if I was in a trance. The shadows disappeared, leaving most of the room in an eerie darkness, as if all the light outside of my circle had been suddenly switched off.
Half jokingly I said aloud to the darkness, “ Is there anybody out there?” Parodying a song by Pink Floyd. Suddenly the room became very quiet. I could sense that someone else was in the room, but though I strained to see past my circle of light, I could see no one in that void, I was alone.
I chuckled to myself, and leaned over to put out the candles. The wine was having the desired effect; I was starting to feel a little tired. I decided I was probably hallucinating anyway.
It was then that I heard the voice. It wasn’t a loud voice, but it gave me a start. I looked around, seeing nothing, and yet in the corner, I could sense what appeared to be opacity. I was reaching behind, to turn on the light, when the voice spoke again. It seemed to be coming from inside my head. It was a woman’s voice, musical, soothing yet filled with authority.
“You have asked me a question, and I have come to give you an answer.” I felt a slight tingle, as the hairs on the back of my neck seemed to be standing out. “Question? I thought to myself, which question?”
At that the voice came again, as if in answer. For some reason I felt compelled to listen and what follows is the narrative of what she told me. I have no doubt as the content, because the following morning after I had awoken, I was of a mind that it had been a dream, that is until I entered the dining room and beheld the empty wine glass, the candles that had burned down to the candlesticks, and the clean sheets of paper. Sheets of paper that now had writing all over them.
I poured myself a coffee and sat down. Picking up the top sheet, this is what I read.
“To you who would seek the innermost longings of your hearts, I say to you seek only the truth. In seeking the truth you will find love, and in finding love you will surely find the God that dwells within you.
It seems so long ago, that I first walked amongst you, and my first tears mingled with yours amongst the dust of time. I have watched all that you have done; none of your deeds have passed unseen. I know of your needs and longings. I have felt all of your pain and all of your joy. My tears still fall, and my heart cries out for comfort, and a love that shall never be mine.
For how much longer am I to be plagued by the agony of that moment when, from darkness to light I passed in transition, to begin again the eternal struggle. A struggle to pass back into that warm comforting void, of darkness and security. Yes, your needs are known to me.
I have watched your struggles since the beginning of time, but now it would seem that your struggles have ceased. No longer do you fight with resolve, the doctrines of man, and a mankind that, even after all this time knows not its needs. You exist only to satisfy the needs of a society that would condemn you to a state of spiritual poverty and anguish. A society that has supplanted that which is really you, and offered in its place, a fraud. They have blinded you to your true self by creating a cloud of want and need, chaining you to your daily task, and turning your love into hatred. Only occasionally do they part that infernal cloud, Giving but little, but promising much. A promise that shall never be realised, for they promise that which is not theirs to give, they promise love.
When you struggle in your weakness, to rise above yourself, is not your success a mere shadow of your expectation? Yes in your misery and despair, you are lost in a never-ending battle for an equality you can never hope to attain.
But for all of your tears, I shall shed tenfold. Harken now to my words and open up your heart to my thoughts, for my thoughts are also yours.
Soon you will find your equality, for I am representative of all that is equal among men! Your pain that began in your mother’s womb shall soon be brought to an end, and I shall give unto you the rest that you seek.
I am truly representative of your innermost needs and longings. I am that for which you have longed, from the time of you’re beginning, when I was a witness to your first birth. When you cried as the cold air greeted your beginning, it was my tears that mingled with yours upon your mother’s thigh. When you suckled on your mother’s breast, I fed upon the other. When the first pangs of love pierced your breast, filling your whole being with warmth and longing, my heart beat with yours. And when she passed beyond your vision, such was my sorrow your tears became mine.
When you passed from among the living, I was a witness to your passing. When your loved ones wept, my tears also flowed, but as a river. I wept, not for your passing, I wept for those you left behind. For I was privy to a secret, you see! I was a witness to your rebirth.
I wept in my state of helpless sorrow, for I could tell them nought. I could not tell them that ending is also a beginning; I could not turn their tears of sorrow into tears of joy.
How many times must I bear witness to your coming and passing? For how much longer must I wear your chains of slavery, and how much longer must I hear your cries, shed your tears, know your joys and feel your sorrows, before finally, with joyful relief the circle is ended.
When the Wings of death finally enfold me and I become one with all, I shall embrace you, and all of your longings shall be fulfilled at last. In the last moment of eternity, as you re-enter the darkness of the Earth Mothers womb, then rising into the light, you will know me, for I am you. And you are the manifestation of the Gods greatest creation, which is LOVE.
Love created you, love bore you, my love fills your very being, and my love will once again embrace you.
Cast off your chains of slavery and receive my love for I have little else to give to you, but all that I have is yours.
I put down the sheets, and pondered on what I had read. To this very day, I am still not sure if it wasn't a dream.
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