Bon Jour

Taping #2 begins in a freshly re-painted and re-modeled studio

Well.....it has been quite a time here in L.A..   As all of you have read in my "news stories"  I've "hit the trifecta, been a guest at Heff's Playboy Mansion, did a stint taping NBC's "Shark Tank",  been interviewed  numerous times on both TV and radio...all whie taping Gordan Ramsey's "Celebrity Master Chef" 2013 spring cooking show.

Let me catch you up as to what happened after the 1st taping.

Graham Elliot was literally "smoking"  after the first studio run when Ani DiFranco tossed a lit match into her creation as the fat bastard had just bent over to smell her dish.  Her special sauce was pure "hi test Shell gasoline".  Graham is still suffering from 3rd degree burns from his nipples upwards as well as toasted, charred arms.  I don't think the doctors were able to pull off  his famous "white glasses" that were melted to his face...Perhaps that will be one of his "life's scars", but hey...everyone from season 2012 and before will remember him in those white glasses!

Let's continue with "2103 Celebrity Master Chef":

Ramsey:  "Well, that was a bloody hell start to the first show.   I want you all to know that Ani DiFranco is tightly secured in a Los Angeles "Jail Hell" holding cell while awaiting trial.  She was not officially eliminated in our first show but the show will continue and we will elimnate Graham as one of our judges.  So, after a ot of thinking, we are bring out former "CHEERS" star and "Danced her fat ass off star", "Weight Watchers" spokeswoman....Kirstie  Alley...

Mr Ed: Joe Bastianich just looked at her with his "snooty, snobish look" as he always does to anyone and anything.

Ramsey: "Joe , you know Kirstie...don't you?"

Joe:  "Yeah....I know her....for skipping out of one of my restaurants and stiffing me with a $5,392.17 tab!"   "You got my money Bitch?????"

Joe  looks over to John Gotti and gives him a wink.

Alley:  "Well....err...well, ahh, err...gee when does this contest begin Gordon?"  muttering, with beads of sweat pouring off her forehead and dripping from her underarms.

Ramsey:  "Ok, guest chef's....we'll start off this round with our first "Mystery Box" cook off". (everyone has a large wood box at their stations)  "Everyone please......lift off your wood boxes."

Mr Ed thinking to himself.....Oh jesus! What the hell did I get into now.....I hate being on this show...

Ramsey: "In front of you is a box that contains all the ingrediants for "Figgy Pudding".  It is your task to make me a stunning childhood memory dish.    You have 60 minutes to complete this task....Time starts NOW!"

Now I have no idea what the fuck  "Figgy Pudding" even is.  So  I'll go to the pantry and watch others pick ingrediants and hopefully figure it out.

In the pantry, everyone was grabing anything and everything from fresh beets to frozen pot pies....I just grabbed a box of "instant oatmeal" thinking this is what they must have served Gordon when he was in the orphanage way back when.

Beavis and Butthead (again being next to me) came dressed in their so called "chef hats", but in reality they were nothing but those God-awful big, puffy wool beret/beanies you see in the black hood, knitted in those awful colors.  "Ahh...we;re real Chef's...horseface" said Butthead with a snirk on his face to me.  "Well ya look like somthing that I ate and shit out 2 days ago" I said to them.  Both of them were wearing those  over-sized, baggy FUBO pants that were falling off their asses, but the horrible thing was that they were wearing "Walmart briefs" rather than boxers. Again a testiment to the American educational system and a bad GETTO look.

Ex-president Lincoln (who was two rows up on my left), still looked like "death warmed over"  He was constantantly being "touched up by the makeup artist"  He still stood there .. as stiff as a board  like a freshly picked 6"x6"  from the nearby Home Depot lumber yard.  Again, I could not exactly see what someone had choosen for him since he was wearing one of those blue "handicap parking"  tags around his neck.   Apparently FOX Television had made a deal with the US Secret Service that he have the "full protection" that is provided by the Government for former presidents.   In his case, his term was never "officially ended" since he was shot while in office. I know....just one of those reasons why I skipped out of the country to move to France to avoid such outrageous money-sucking taxes.

I made my instant oatmeal creation  "extra thin" since I'm sure Ramsey will remember his "porriage days"  with fondness.   

Beavis and Butthead had choosen from the pantry a three-pack of green Spalding tennis balls and a ten-pack of Bic Razors.   Bevis was taking the razor and trying to shave off the "fuzzy coating" from the balls, while Butthead was stirring all the ingrediants as one giant mess in a large Tupperwear plastic bowl.   As soon as Bevis had somewhat "shaved" the tennis balls down to their rubber outer-coating, Butthead would drop them into the "stew" one-by-one.   "YEAHHH" Bevis yelled as the third ball was mixed in with the others.  They put a tight-fitting cover on the bowl, tossed it into the microwave and hit 50 minutes...."buzzing sounds" began to emminate from the oven.

Alec Baldwin was standing towards my left in the rear row.  He still had this "clueless" look on his face, and again waited until the very end of the 60 minute time limit with nothing made at all.  I did not look up to see who or what the others were preparing in the studio, but I did notice James Brown with a huge smile on his face busting out singing "Livin' In America".   I assume he had achieved some culinary goal for himself...

Ramsey: "5 minutes...better start plating"

I just "splushed" the very thin gruel into a bowl letting it slosh over the sides....never using any of the ingrediants that were under the box.

Ramsey:  "Time's up"

As the contestants threw their arms up (with the exception of Lincoln), Chef Ramsey and Joe Bastianich started to call out six names, three for the "best" and three 3 for the "worst".

Ramsey:  "Ahh...Bevis.... Butthead?   I said TIME'S UP!  Why are the two of you  mischef  makers still standing next to your microwave oven ????"

Butthead: "Ahhh...we have 30 seconds till ours is done chef"

Ramsey: "30 seconds....I called times up 4 minutes ago...are you trying to piss me off?"

In that short bit of conversation the microwave exploded blowing the door off the hinges and nicking me with flying metal schrapnel.  The two secret service agents near Lincoln had pulled out their MAC 10's with that "ready-to-spray everyone in the studio with large doses of 9 mm hot lead" look on their faces.  Kirstie was under the judges' stand and well, Bevis and Butthead were standing there stunned and wide-eyed with the smelly crap all over them.   "Duhhh...It's done Chef" said Butthead, as he was spooning this shit off his clothing and into a bowl.    Ramsey just looked into the camera shaking his head.

Ramsey:  "OK. Well we'll start with you two as our first WORST DISH chefs. Bring up your shit.... oops.... I mean DISH to the Judges' stand!"

Bevis placed the hot steaming bowl in front of Kirstie and the three judges looked at it

Ramsey: "You call this "Figgy Pudding? Looks like dog vomit and smells even worse!"

Beavis and Butthead:  "Ahhhh....Yeah."

Ramsey pushes the dish over to Joe whose eyes were already watering from the stench of burning rubber from the melted tennis balls. "Disgusting!" he says, as he pushes the now slightly cooled mess to Kirstie.  She looks at it, gets down and takes a big "whiff" of it and picks up the bowl with two hands and downs the entire dish in just a few gulps.   "I think it's good", she says as she was licking the rest of the contents with delight on her face.

Ramsey: "Kirstie......no wonder you're a fat pig" as he was looking at the dried shit/mess on the sides of her mouth.

Alley: "I think it's good, reminds me of something my mother used to make when we were growing up."

Ramsey: "OK.....let's get the next worse creation up here. Jeff Dahlmers.....come up here."

Dahmers had misunderstood what Chef Ramsey had called for.  He created "Finger Pudding" which consisted of freshly chopped camera men and assorted studio peoples' fingers.  Ramsey looked at it....turned green and nearly passed out.   Joe threw up the moment he saw the "roasted digits" swimming in  the  brown sugar & cream sauce.  Kirstie on the other hand was smiling with delight as she was picking the fingernails and bones from the dish and eating them like they were some "sweet chicken wings".   "I think it's delicious" she said as she kept scooping up more and more.

Alley: "Mrs. Butterworth, could you please unscrew your head cap and pour out a small bowl of your syrup so I can use it for dipping sauce?" 

The only person to be eliminated in the taping of Episode Two was Kirstie Alley.....