With Mother’s Day approaching, I find my thoughts wandering to memories of my mother Nan more frequently than usual. This will be my fifth Mother’s Day without her, and as I reflect on this passage of time, I realize what was once acute grieving has morphed and mellowed into deep yearning.

I yearn to be with her again, even if only once more, even if only briefly, even if only…

These feelings just prompted me to pull out a file folder, labeled “Dreams of Nan,” because a few moments ago I found myself recalling the special dream I had two years ago in the days leading up to Mother’s Day, and I wanted to reread my written account of it.  I created this file a few months ago, to hold in one place my recollections of past and, I hoped, future dreams of my mother. The file is not thick. I wish there had been more dreams.

Four times since our mother’s death in 2009, I emailed my three siblings to share a vivid and comforting dream; and below I share these emails with you (just as I shared so many intimate emails in When All That’s Left of Me Is Love). They include certain references that will be familiar and meaningful to those who’ve read my memoir – references to hummingbirds; to Wildwood, such a special place for my family; and to “Love, always love,” a final message for us from the one whose love will never die.  But even if these references seem without context, the dreams themselves – and the deep yearning that inspired them – may feel familiar to anyone who has experienced loss and for whom an occasional, unexpected dream represents an extraordinary gift.

April 18, 2011

 I had a vivid dream of Mom last night – really only my second since she died.  The first was, as I think I excitedly told or wrote to you all, one in which she telephoned me from wherever she is, and it was clear she was calling me from “there.” (I asked her frantically if she had called Dad too, and she had.).  It was a pretty awesome, if hard to explain, experience.  Last night I dreamed we were together at Wildwood having conversation; there were many times in the dream when we were making intense eye contact during our chit chat, and several times when she gave me typical Nan looks (a smile, a smirk, …).  I woke up soon after she and I made plans to go see the newly released “Jane Eyre” movie together. And I couldn’t go back to sleep.

Just felt like sharing that.

 Xo

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May 2, 2012

 Dreamed last night that I was in my backyard reading on a sunny, warm day. Glanced up at the sky and in the clouds I saw an image of Mom, wearing an apron and looking so happy. Clearly it was Mom. I ran inside to grab my camera, but when I came outside again, the moving cloud formation had traveled down the driveway. It was behind a tree and far enough away that I could no longer see or capture it on a photograph.

 September 17, 2013

 Just fyi…I had a dream last night in which I was at Wildwood at my sink (or at A kitchen sink). Something had accumulated at the seam of the wall and counter. As I began to wipe it, thinking it was dust from a carpenter ant or such, I realized it actually was ice; water had seeped in and frozen. As I wiped, I realized the frozen water was in the form of what looked to be writing. I looked more carefully and saw the word LOVE, upside down and backwards. As I tried to carefully scrape the word and move it toward me, I heard Mom’s happy voice say “Hello,” as if telling me she was outside and just arriving for a visit. I quickly and excitedly looked out the window wanting to see her, but she wasn’t there. Then I said “hello” back. Then I heard the leaves rustling – like footsteps. She must have been there in some form, I concluded. I never did see her.  But in the dream I concluded that she wanted me to know she was there and thinking of me.

I don’t dream of Mom often, so when I do it is special (especially if I manage to remember in the morning!).  That’s why I’m sharing! 

I do believe she is here/with us in some form, always thinking of us and occasionally sending a sign to remind us of this.

Love, always love!

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February 22, 2014

 Woke up this morning following a lovely dream:

Joe and I were outside in a field and he was photographing birds (a new hobby, apparently!). Suddenly I spotted a hummingbird and it flew toward us.  And then it lingered and lingered. We both were able to photograph it multiple times in different light. And because it was lingering I thought it might land on my arm, so I extended my arm with high hopes. The hummingbird perched on my right wrist and again lingered. I called to Gram, alive again and suddenly nearby, and she walked quickly toward me so that she, too, could see the bird.

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Mother’s Day 2014 is just about two weeks away. The Hallmark cards are front and center in every drugstore, and I just received an email from Groupon: “Mother’s Day Gifts for Extraordinary Moms!”  My mom was an extraordinary mom, but she’s no longer here to open a card or a present from me. While I’m sad we cannot be together on Mother’s Day, I find myself feeling hopeful we’ll reconnect again sometime soon in another dream.

Linda Campanella

April 2014