The Moon Over My Heart
I had scores of notches on my bedpost and my heart was not proud of it. With every notch, my heart gained more scars, painful memories, gaping holes, and what-ifs. The only thing I had to show for all those notches was my son. I only had one child who I was raising alone: emotionally, physically, and financially. The role of nurturer, the path I had chosen in life, and the world in general had humbled me to the point that I was scared to love. Over time, my heart had become secondary to the logic of my brain and everything else that had been categorized as a higher priority in my life. Eventually, I had become scared to be loved.
It started out just like any other Monday…
I sat on the porch sipping my coffee, while the screams, screeches, and congestion of a busy street poured into the back yard. As I started to imagine what the day would bring, I drifted off to a distant world to escape the chaos. I went back to continue the conversation with the two voices from where it left off the last time. I felt an unusual peacefulness listening to my brain, with all of its logic, and my heart, with all its emotions, debate over every situation from different perspectives. I did this every morning until it was time to put on both the Mommy and Daddy aprons.
Then there would be the blur: getting my son ready, eating breakfast, making lunches, dropping my son off at school, and diving into the sea of automobiles until I finally emerged at the shores of my work.
That was every other Monday…
I ran a mattress store near downtown Orlando. On this particular day, I had mostly men shopping for mattresses instead of the usual women. One gentleman was very specific in wanting to purchase a mattress that his wife of 25 years would really find comfortable. As I showed him the biggest pillow-top set, he whipped out his credit card and said there would be a $100 tip if it could be in his home that night.
On my way home, I stopped at the grocery store to get a few things I needed for the house. The express checkout line was clogged by a group of women dressed in red, each adorned with a white carnation. I went to a regular checkout line and was able to leave before them. They seemed unaware of the rest of the world as they engaged in laughter, anticipating some event they were about to attend. After leaving the grocery store, I picked my son up. We stopped by the convenience store for our ritual sodas. A man interrupted us as we were paying. He asked the clerk if the store had any roses. The clerk apologetically informed him the store ran out earlier that day. The man left in a hurry.
Then the blur began again: homework, dinner, cleaning up, showers, watching a TV show, and tucking my son in bed. As the whirlwind of activity finally settled down, I found myself back on the porch with the familiar cup of coffee.
A cool gentle breeze was taking away the heat, making it comfortable to be outside. The clear blue sky had faded to black. The moon started peeking up from the horizon. It was not quite a full moon, but with the clear black background it lit up the whole yard. I started to reflect back upon the day when I heard the voice. It was a gentle voice, distant sounding, and a little shaky as if it was frail.
“Jerry, do you see the moon?”
“Yes, Heart, I do! It is a gorgeous moon and the fresh air feels wonderful.”
“No, Jerry, do you SEE the moon?”
Confused, I answer, “Yes, but it’s just the moon. What’s the big deal?”
“Jerry, the moon is not there!”
Now I was beginning to wonder if I had completely lost my mind. I was arguing with my heart and it seemed like I was losing! Where was my brain when I needed it the most?
“Yes, the moon IS there!”
“No, Jerry, it is not there because you don’t have anyone to share it with! Therefore, you do not see the true beauty of the moon. Today was Valentine’s Day and you had no one to share ME with. I was the one that opened your eyes to all the signs today and yet you ignored me. And now, I have become just another moon to you.”
I sat there alone, looked at the moon, and realized my heart was right. I had completely forgotten today was Valentine’s Day. Underneath all the emptiness that filled my life, the vacuum inside me started to ache. I was alone. My heart was alone. It felt like the world had forgotten me.
The coffee cup was empty, my eyes were teary, and it had gotten late. I made my way to the bedroom. As I pulled back the covers to get in bed, I heard the other voice. This one sounded like the previous voice, but louder, more confident, and with an arrogance I could feel in every word.
“Jerry, do you see the notches on the bedpost?”
“Yes, Brain, I see them every morning.”
“Come on, Jerry, look at the notches?”
“Look Brain, there is no true beauty with those notches. Even Heart would agree with me.”
“Jerry, with every notch you etched, you blamed them for the pain when in actuality you were the common denominator. You never saw their true beauty. Think of the all the pain you not only caused Heart, but the Hearts that belonged to all the notches as well.”
As I lay there waiting for sleep to end the day, I reflected back upon my life. Heart and Brain remained silent as my pillow became soaked with the realization it was my fault I was alone. They were right. Not only had I been blind to true beauty, but every notch was an example of how I ignored someone else’s true beauty. I felt I deserved to be alone.
On that Monday not like any other Monday…
I found beauty in a place I never expected, by discovering its absence inside my empty heart. It was a realization very few men have ever felt. It was almost as profound as learning the meaning of life. The jolting lesson I learned that Monday night was that the component missing from my life was the same component missing from my past relationships. Because of this, I was finally able to accept much more responsibility for those failures. I had felt the moon the way a woman does by looking at it through my heart. I felt I almost understood women. I was missing the internal beauty that could only be felt when it was shared with someone else’s internal beauty.
It has been almost two years since that night. I finally live in harmony with my Heart and Brain. Every full moon, I sit outside for hours. Brain and I feel the peacefulness in the reflection of sunlight. I hold hands with Heart as cool night air caresses my skin. And together we wait patiently knowing one day the bedpost will only have one more notch, the notch of forever, etched by the shared beauty of two hearts and two brains.
Lynthel
October 25th, 2012
