Sandie and Ronald, I started making changes with Sandie's comment and completed with Ronald's. Is this more enjoyable? just a little rough on grammar.
On May 2, 2015, Devin Smith turned twenty-four and he recently celebrated two years as a sales representative with Francis Cheese Company. Devin must be doing well at selling cheese from the size of his raise on his anniversary. Since starting in sales, the revenue has gone up twenty percent. Frank the owner said, “It was in no small part due to you.”
Devin worked the summer months at the local cheese factory while in college for a marketing degree. Frank Martinelli, the owner and president, asked him if he was interested in sales in March his last semester. He accepted in May and began his sales career on June 3, 2013.
Last summer saw many changes happening in the sales department. Carl, head of sales, was retiring at the end of June. Rich was taking his place and had fifteen years seniority over Devin. They recently expanded the line to included specialty cheeses, which include Blue Cheese, aged Swiss, cheddar and provolone. They started buffalo (American bison) mozzarella, and several goat and sheep cheeses in smaller quantities.
There is a convention hotel in Cleveland offering a job fair every year in June targeting new graduates from universities. Frank arranged a booth last year since the company in need of a new sales person. Frank asked Devin to help with the fair booth since Carl was retiring and Rich was still learning the sales manager’s responsibilities.
Originally, Frank, Kathleen and Devin were operating the booth. Kathleen, the HR person, cannot make the fifty-minute trip to the convention center before nine, and needed to leave at three because she is married with two children. Devin was driving on two of the days to help. Frank purchased a suite room for the week so he was constantly available.
The Friday before the fair, Frank called Devin into his office and explained, “My wife made vacation plans for next week and we are Toronto bound.”
Devin, “What does this mean for me?”
“I want you to fill in for me for the week. This includes opening and closing since Kathleen cannot make until nine and needs to leave at three,” Frank informs him.
Devin looking somewhat confused, “When Kathleen is there, what do I do?”
Frank, “If it not busy then you should work as a salesman within the convention center and community around it. Oh, cover Kathleen for lunch and other breaks she may require throughout the day.”
“That sounds reasonable, but what about my appointments for next week” Devin asked.
“You will need to postpone them and there is more.” As Frank paused for effect. “I scheduled myself for a speech on Wednesday in one of the meeting rooms. I would like you to cover it as well. Normally, the sales manager would fill in, but Rich has to learn the position first. So, I am asking you to make the speech.”
“Oh, I will do my best.” Devin affirmed.
Devin arrived Sunday night and met some of the other company representatives with booths at the fair. After a nice breakfast Monday morning, he worked the booth until nine. Then he walked the fair and collected a few names of people in restaurants who may have an interest in the specialty cheeses.
Kathleen always took her lunch at eleven-thirty since many in the company would come see her during their lunch break. After lunch, he walked the neighborhood, found a wine and cheese shop. They were very interested in the specialty line. Devin found out the following Monday the storeowner was at the plant on Thursday, bought some cheese on a trial basis, and is a regular customer today.
The rest of the day, he spent at the booth. Several new graduates showed some interest in his job. Devin spent the evening in the lounge area making contacts with various fair contributors. Around eight, he returned to his suite and did his reports for the day.
Tuesday morning started out much like Monday. However, he stayed at the booth the whole morning since there seemed to be more people the second day. They had some people state they would send in a resume and one brought their resume and filled out an application while Kathleen was at lunch.
Devin went to lunch directly after Kathleen returned. He was almost done when he saw a girl walk by a row over in the make shift cafeteria. He remembered watching her as she traveled past him. Not wanting stare, she caught his eye and he couldn’t help but look at her. He was not sure if it was the flowery dress in a sea of business suits but there was something about her.
It was a busy afternoon and he forgot the sight of this vibrant woman in the work required. They received several more inquiries, but cheese is not that glamorous.
Towards the five o’clock closing time, an old friend from high school named John visited the booth. John calls out from across the aisle, "Devin is that you.”
“Yes,” Devin responds questioning until he recognizes his old friend, “John, long time no see, how are you doing?”
I am looking for a new career, what are you doing?”
"I am selling cheese for Francis Cheese Company. Are you looking to apply?”
"No, I want a mechanical position, but not cars, something like maintenance for a factory.”
The two spoke until closing time when Devin asked, “Would you like a beer, my treat.”
The lounge was full that night and all the tables had patrons filling the chairs. John spotted a red head in her mid-thirties sitting at a table for four with just two drinks. He was much more forward than Devin and asked her if they may join her. Her friend went to the room and will be back shortly, but they are welcome to join the table.
John slid into the chair next to the red head and Devin sat between John and the empty chair. Ann introduced herself as John struck up a conversation with her. John and Ann made a connection while Devin sat waiting for the empty chair to fill.
It seemed like forever when it was probably less than five minutes before Ann’s partner returned. The girl in the pretty dress from lunchtime who captivated his attention sat down beside him.
“Maryann” was her first word.
He replied, “Devin, where are you from?
Chicago, we are with HR at the department store booth,” she answered.
“I sell cheese for Francis Cheese Company,” he continued.
They struck up a conversation from there. He wanted to buy her a drink but it took a while for them to finish the one they had. They were talking more than either of them was drinking. When the first drinks were gone, he realized the hunger moaning from inside of him. “Are you hungry, I am?”
Yes, where do you want to eat?” She confirmed with smiling eyes.
“The hotel restaurant is good and it is close,” as Devin didn’t want to travel to far know he had to make it an early night.
She agreed and they left the lounge for the restaurant in the hotel.
They just sat down when John and Ann joined them. For the most part, there were two conversations emitting from the table, one from Maryann and Devin. The other was John and Ann on the other side of the table. It was 8:30 when they finished eating. Maryann had a meal voucher and paid for her own meal. Ann bought hers and John’s dinner.
After dinner, they all returned to the lounge. The DJ playing music and the other two got up to dance. Devin leaning across the table asked, “I am not a dancer but would you like to dance.”
“I am not a dancer either,” was her reply.
“Would you like a drink?” he shouted over the DJ.
“I’ll have a cosmopolitan,” Maryann loudly confirmed.
The waiter asked for their order and Devin ordered for both since Maryann was stuck across the table. They continued shouting at each other until the drinks came. It was hard to communicate with the music so he suggested they go to the terrace. Maryann picked up her drink and they found the solitude on a warm and humid June night.
In a normal speaking voice Devin asked, “What does a HR person do?”
“We handle the hiring, training, and oversee the disciplinary actions by the managers to make sure state and federals are followed. I been there for eleven months and I have another month of training before I land a regular job at another store. A local HR person was supposed to work the fair but she became ill and our company asked us to fill in and we left in a hurry so I couldn’t change my clothes. Tomorrow, I will have a business suit to wear,” she inform him. “What do you do?”
“Today I am helping our HR with looking for new sales people, but my regular job is selling cheese to stores and restaurants. I started at the company as a cleaner in college and when I graduated, they made me a salesman. Our sale manager is retiring and training his replacement so I was elected to be here” he stated proudly.
“What were you working on at lunch when I saw you?” she wondered to him.
“Oh, my boss Frank wants me to give a speech tomorrow and I was putting the finish touches to it.”
They mostly talked about the ambitions and dreams the rest of the evening. It seems they were just getting into deep discussion when John showed up. Maryann left to use the ladies’ room with Ann. John explained he had too much to drink and could not drive back to the small town fifty miles away. Devin agreed to leave the door open for him.
Then Devin noticed it was ten-thirty and he had a big day tomorrow with a speech to give. He told Maryann it was time to retire and explained how much he enjoyed the conversation. She was waiting for Ann. John said he be up in a few minutes as he just wanted to say good-bye.
Devin used the door lock to hold the door open for John while he changed into his pajamas, which was a pair of red gym shorts and a gray tank top. He was in the bathroom brushing his teeth when he heard a bang against the lock holding the door open. After rinsing and he went to investigate.
The suite had a privacy wall just inside the door that keeps people from peering in the eyehole. Wondering around the partition, Devin saw Maryann standing in the corner looking frighten but not scared. He squinted since he did not have his glasses and pretended not to be able to see.
“Who is it” Devin asked and heard “me” in a sweet reply.
Devin got very close to her and even sniffed like a dog one time. “Oh Maryann,” he stated, “come in. Where is John?” was his query.
Maryann trying not to laugh said, “John and Ann are using my shared hotel room and I need a place to stay. I don’t know anyone here but you and hoping to sleep in your room.
Devin asked her to close and lock the door, giving her a chance to change her mind.
Maryann said, “The couch would be fine,” as she locked the door.
Devin took charge. “Nonsense, it is a big bed and I sleep on top of the covers. You can sleep under them.”
“Won’t you get cold sleeping on top of the covers?” in concerned voice.
“It gets too hot under the covers,” he assured her.
It is my room; I get to choose what side of the bed to sleep on,” as he prepared the covers on the near side.
She pulled the covers back on the far side as if to get into bed and said, “I like sleeping on this side of the bed.”
“Sleeping in your clothes is gross,” as he dug through his suitcase and found another pair of gym trunks with a tie string and a T-shirt. She went into the bathroom to change.
While she was in the bathroom, he called down to the front desk and asked for a toothbrush. The bellhop had up to the room in short order. When Maryann came out of the bathroom, he showed her the toothbrush and said, “I hope you liked my paste.”
Again, she came out with her clothes folded and he noticed there was no bra present. Devin mentioned, “I have three older sisters who when in for the evening cannot wait to take off their bra. Patty, just a year older me, will stand in the doorway of the house and remove it though the sleeve of her shirt then announces, these puppies are free.”
Devin went into the bathroom to wash his face and plug in his razor for a close shave in the morning. When he came out, Maryann was under the covers at the very edge of the king size bed. There was a light decorative covering on the bed and he used that for his only blanket. Turning out the light, they went to sleep with simple goodnight from each of them.
The next thing Devin knew the sun was peering through a small gap in the blinds that gave a glow to the room. Lying on his side facing Maryann, he saw her face, first with one eye and then both eyes. Thinking to himself, “I could get used to waking up every morning to this face.”
Then her eyes popped opened and they stared at each other for just a moment in complete silence. The peaceful eye contact was shredded by his phone alarm piercing the quiet of the morning. While scampering to relieve himself, he figured she was anxious to use it also so he offered the bathroom to her before getting ready for his day. She changed back into her flowery dress and left. While getting showered and dressed, the big speech was weighty on his mind as he repeated it several times.
Devin was hoping to have breakfast with her but did not see her. Kathleen was already at the booth upon his arrival just before eight. Rich was there with her. Rich said, “I came for moral support and need to leave directly after the speech.” Seeing Rich, who is his mentor in selling, really made Devin nervous.
Rich and Devin left for the conference room that hosted the speech. Rich sensed his apprehension and said, “You got this.” Devin waited to the side until he heard his name. Upon reaching the podium, the first face he saw was Maryann sitting in the front row. Then he relaxed again and nailed the speech.
After the speech, Devin met Maryann and asked, “Would you have lunch and dinner with me today?”
I would love to” was her reply.
Then Rich approached, “This is Maryann, Maryann this is Rich. He is my mentor and soon to be sales manager at the company.”
Maryann interrupted and pointed out, “I have to get back to my booth now, what time is lunch?”
“I go to lunch directly after Kathleen our HR person comes back from lunch. I’ll see you shortly after noon,” he hoped.
They met for lunch and dinner that night. Again, she paid for her own meals. They spent most of the evening on the terrace again. The night before, they sat opposed to each while on the terrace. Wednesday night they sat next to each other. As the evening progressed, the chairs got closer. Neither could recall them moving, but soon there was only a small corner of the table separating them.
At one point, he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes while they talked. She noticed he did not have any problems seeing her or things nearby and she objected, “Why did you get so close to me and sniffed last night?”
“Because you are so pretty and smell good. I really only need the glasses for seeing far away,” he stated.
“Constantly focusing on things less than four feet away, causes a strain on my eyes.”
She smiled at his answer then asked, “Why did you not try anything sexual with me last night.
This question required more thought than the first question. Devin cautiously answered, “There are two reasons. First, I am a Christian and we are not to have sex before marriage. Secondly, I had a girlfriend when I was twenty. We had sex all the time and I thought she cared about me. When I lost my job and had no money to spend on her, she dumped me. The sex fooled me into thinking she actually cared. I said never again after that experience. So, I do not spend a lot of money on girls, nor do I sleep with them.”
She thanked him for being honest with her. It was his turn to ask a personal question. “What is the real reason I cannot buy meals for you.”
Now it was her turn to get serious. She explained, “When I was sixteen a boy bought my dinner and tried to get his money’s worth out of me in sex. I admit to having trust issues since then. It is always better to be safe than sorry.”
Devin follow up question was “Why do you trust me?”
She said, “There is something about you that broke down the barrier I keep up. However, I was not sure until I came out of the bathroom and you stared at me for a moment. It was as if you could see my soul. In that same moment, I could your soul. In that brief eye contact, I knew it was safe to spend the night.”
Devin added, “I saw you standing there with my T-shirt and shorts and saw how beautiful and sexy you are in that momentary stare.”
In a failed rebuttal complained, “I removed my makeup how you could see me as sexy is beyond me.”
“As you said, I could see your soul.” was his reply.
Maryann made a confession at this point, “There was a five percent of me wanting you to try something last night.”
He confessed, “There was a whole lot more of me wanting to try something last night.”
With this confession, a sly smile came over her face and he asked, “What?”
She answered, “It is good to hear you are wanted.” She added, “My father told me if I could find a man who would do right when everything told him not to, he is worth keeping.”
While they were confessing, he mentioned, “I noticed you in the cafeteria and became infatuated as walked by.”
She admitted, “I saw you working on your speech while eating and went out of my way for you to notice me. I even kicked a chair, making a noise, which caused you to look up. Our booth is in the opposite direction.” They laughed jointly about the latest acknowledgements.
At this point, they were as close as they could get as the shoulders were touching. Even the stubborn corner of the table no longer separated them.
Then the server interrupted them asking if they wanted any more drinks. Neither of them was thirsty and declined. The server mentioned they are the only ones on the terrace and asked if they would like to move inside so they could close it.
It was then Devin realized it was eleven-thirty and six comes very early in the morning. They rode the elevator up together. Her floor was ten and he was on the twentieth. Devin gave her a peck on the cheek before she left the elevator and said, I really enjoyed talking with you tonight.”
As the elevator rode up to his floor, he wondered where the time went. It seemed just like a couple of minutes ago they were sitting down for dinner before six.
Barely in his room, there was a knock on the door. Devin opened it and Maryann was standing before him. She said, “My room is busy again and I need a place to sleep. She opened her purse, pulled out her toothbrush, and said, “I am glad I packed this this morning.”
“Excuse me” she stated as she passed by him to gather her impromptu pajamas out of his suitcase and used the bathroom first. After fifteen minutes, she came out and laid her clothes on a chair. Devin could not help but notice her bra was on top. As he prepared for bed, he thought about the evening and reiterated, “I sure like talking with you.”
Maryann answered back, “I cannot remember I time I enjoyed just talking to someone for over four hours.”
They turned off the light soon after getting into bed because morning came quickly again. Thursday morning the alarm woke them up.
They met breakfast that last morning. She was not a morning person and only had toast and several cups of coffee while Devin ate his omelet, toast, juice, sausage, and side of grapes.
“Ann and I are leaving at noon back to Chicago,” was her only comment.
“The convention closes at three today and we have to clear out before five. The hotel is setting up for another event for Friday and everything had to be gone by five or it was thrown away. At eleven, I need gather my bags out of the room and move them to a staging area the hotel setting up for the guest checking out but staying until three.” Unlike the night before when they talked equally, Devin carried the discussion during breakfast.
It took Kathleen and him only a couple minutes to clean up the booth and exit the fair. Kathleen went home and he stopped by the office. Thursday night found him completing all the reports he failed to complete during the week. It was nearly eleven at night before he emailed them to the office. Friday was another day and some friends asked him out for the night. About ten he went home and to capture a good night’s sleep.
Saturday morning after breakfast, he emptied by travel bag. That was when the letter stuck between the dirty laundry fell on to the floor. By reading the letter, he found out Maryann talked a housekeeper to open the door to the holding room so she could stick the note in his bag.
The letter explained she really did not have to spend Wednesday night with him but she wanted to be with him again and he should not think badly of Ann. The letter further explained she only has two more weeks in Chicago and she would be living with her parents in a suburb of Cleveland and working at one of the malls. She realized Devin did not have her phone number and she did not have his. She listed her number and hoped to hear from him Friday.
Devin called her just after eight Saturday morning. This call woke her from sleeping in. He explained, “I just found your message a few minutes ago and wanted to call you immediately. I thought you were from the Chicago area and you grew up not too far from me.” Again, it seemed he had to do all the talking since she was not a morning person and just woke up.
After gaining her bearings, she joined in the discussion. “I was a little upset you didn’t call yesterday. I figured Thursday you were busy, but Friday you should have seen the note and called."
He reiterated, “I didn’t empty my bag until this morning.”
Maryann grumbled something about leaving dirty clothes in his bag and then said clearly, “I am glad you called, but can you give me a minute to make coffee.” As she drank her first cup of coffee she became more lucid and pleasant. They talked for over an hour.
That was nearly a year ago. His speech on that Wednesday inspired Jim to apply for the sales job and started August first of last year when Devin became his mentor.
Maryann returned to Cleveland and became the assistant Human Resource Director of the department store in suburban mall. Maryann requested the shorts and T-shirt from him for pajamas. She agreed to marry him on September 5, 2014. On August 20, 2015, they are to marry.
It is definitely better than the first draft now. I think you've got the idea. One thing I would suggest is that you can emphasize the speaker's expression on his/her face.
For instance, when Frank called Devin into the office and told him that he and his wife were going on a Toronto-bound vacation the following week, but left Devin wondering what was in it for him to do.
You can write something about the expression of wonderment on Devin's face. You know when you are wondering about something your eyes would stretch wider, and you would look at the person like what's he about to say next.
You can write, "Oh, that's great! Do you need me to do something for you?" Devin asked with wide-eyed wonderment, wondering why he was being called into the office.
Then Frank would tell him what he would expect Devin to do for the next week.
One thing: If there were only two people in a room talking to each other, you don't need to say on every dialogue line Frank said, or Devin said. It is understood by the readers who says what. Just introduce the first two dialoques with the who said what, the rest of the conversation can just be quoted dialogues. Then, once again you can place the last of the conversation by indicating who has said it.
For example: "Okay, I will do my best!" Devin concluded the conversation by making some mental notes and affirming to Frank that he would do what was expected of him.
Also, when the DJ began to play music, it was already loud, and Kevin asked Maryanne whether or not she would like to dance but told her he was not a good dancer, and Maryanne replied she was not a good dancer either. They had no trouble hearing each other then, but after that Devin suddenly shouted out without warning, "Do you need a drink?" - that was quite startling.
Perhaps you should use some gestures to indicate first the music was too loud by Devin saying something that Maryanne couldn't hear so she tilted her ear forward, struggling to hear what he was saying, then Devin would place his hand next to his mouth and shout out over the loud music, "Do you need a drink?" (You know when you try to speak over loud noise to another person you would always put your hand next to your mouth to shout out).
Remember, the expession on a person's face, a gesture to emphasize a person's action, his thoughts, during and after his/her speech is also very important to bring forth the person's character.
I hope my suggestion is clear. Oh, I'm still pretty much a novice writer, so the above is only of my own opinion. I'm not as experienced a writer as Ron, so perhaps Ron can give you more suggestions than I did.
Audrey and Sue, both 42, took a trip to England completely paid for by Audrey's cheating millionaire boyfriend. “Cougar” describes older women on the prowl for much younger men, and although they didn't begin the trip on the prowl, somehow they bec
