Ok...so this really is pretty humiliating for me, but after telling my best friend and her damn near wrecking her car from laughter, she told me that I just HAD to write this for others to laugh at too! So here goes.....
I'm the mother of 3 beautiful little boys and as most people know, after giving birth (especially 3 times) a woman is almost guaranteed to end up with hemorrhoids. That being said, I had dealt with them for over 6 years and finally decided that I needed to just get over the fact that it's embarrassing as hell and go see a doctor to get them taken care of....
My family doctor had referred me to a colon and rectal doctor and assured me that it wouldn't be so bad. After all, there are new techniques for hemorrhoid removal. Walking in the doctor's office, I can't help but notice that I'm now in a waiting room full of elderly women. Wanting so badly to giggle at the irony of me only being 27 years old and them looking at me, curious as to why a young woman is at a colon doctor. After sitting there for 45 minutes and replaying in my mind the terror and embarrassment that was about to happen, the nurse finally calls my name.....
"Right this way Mrs.Haycook. Have a seat in the chair and the doctor will be in shortly." As she walked out and closed the door, I began looking around the room and of course the first thing that caught my attention was the exam table. Looking almost exactly like an OBGYN exam table, I was beginning to get a little confused. In my mind's eye, I had pictured a normal, plain ol' exam table and the doctor would have me lay on my side and "do his thing" that way. That would've been a lot less humiliating than what I was about to endure.....
The doctor came in, introduced himself, and of course began asking me the typical medical questions that needed answered. After that he said, "Okay, I'm gonna send the nurse in and once she has you ready for me she's going to give me the ok to come back in." There was a restroom in the exam room, so at this point I'm thinking, 'Okay so she's going to have me go into the restroom and put on a gown, right?' WRONG......
The nurse came back in my room and said, "Alright hun, I need you to stand up and pull your pants and your panties down around your knees, and kneel on the foot rest of the exam table and lean over resting your belly on the table itself."
"Are you freakin kidding me?!?!" I couldn't believe my ears! She simply chuckled and said, "That's the only way to see 'em hun." Relunctantly, I stood up and did as she instructed. Hearing some russling around I turned to see what the nurse was doing. In her hands was this huge square piece of white tissue paper with a great big hole cut into the center for my bare butt. She layed it over my glowing white ass, and as if I wasn't embarrassed enough, she taps on the door and cracks it open for the doctor to come in! 'Hellllooooooo!!!!', I was screaming in my head. I couldn't believe that she would crack the door open knowing people were walking up and down the hallway! In walked the doctor and the agony began.....
With all of my clothes on, I was "Mrs.Haycook". With my ass exposed, I was "ma'am". "Alright ma'am", the doctor was practically yelling at me! "I need to lay the table back so don't be alarmed when it moves." All of a sudden I hear the motor on the table and my ass began reaching for the ceiling. 'Oh my God', I thought, 'could this get any worse?' Yes it can......
"Okay ma'am", he said loudly, "you're going to feel some cold gel, and now my fingers". My eyes widened and I gripped the tissue paper laying on the table. "Okay, next, you're going to feel a cold instrument. Just try to relax for me." Yeah...D'OKAY...it's not like I was getting a back massage or something! And then, I felt it...the ice cold metal touching my ass hole and then...sheer terror! With no hesitation, the doctor shoved this 'thing' up there and I couldn't help but hiss in agony and scream "Oh my God"! It was over in no time, but I was still in shock. "Okay ma'am, all finished. I'm going to leave the room so the nurse can help clean you up." And before I could say anything, the nurse walked over and wiped my ass for me!!!! "Okay hun, you can stand up and pull your pants back up, you're all done." Buttoning my pants, I looked at her and told her how I had never been so violated, and all she could do was laugh. She walked out of the room and the doctor walked back in. He informed me of what needed to be done and gave me some instructional paperwork to look over. I looked at him and said, "Okay so is that it then? I'm free to go?" He smiled at me great big and said, "Unless there's something else you need me to do for you..." I threw my hands up in defense and said "No! I'm good!" He laughed and out the door I went.
Needless to say, it was something that I never want to experience ever again! However, I'm the type to laugh at my own embarrassing moments, and even though it sucked for me...I hope you had a good laugh about it too!
It took me an hour to quit laughing and gain enough strength back in my typing fingers. I will never ever ever go to the doc about my, uh, you-know-whats.....
wowww!! that must have been something else! I can certainly understand
how you felt violated...!! it makes a hilarious story though!! thanks for sharing! katie
The Wholly Book of Doo-Doo-Rot-on-Me is adult satirical humor featuring adult language and adult content, and the work is a parody of the Old Testament Book of Deuteronomy.
I'm the mother of 3 beautiful little boys and as most people know, after giving birth (especially 3 times) a woman is almost guaranteed to end up with hemorrhoids. That being said, I had dealt with them for over 6 years and finally decided that I needed to just get over the fact that it's embarrassing as hell and go see a doctor to get them taken care of....
