When children leave the nest

LEAVING HOME

BY AUBREY HAMMACK



Leaving home is something that most children do eventually. Parents, of course, usually have quite ambivalent feeings about this momentous occasion. Some are able to fool themselves for a while, I suppose by ignoring the emotions that go with this stage of life. For some of us, it can be a traumatic time. Much has been written about what is often termed emptying the nest. Such departure usually happens, when parents are middle-aged, or approaching it. It's a scary time for parents. For, you see, they are confronted with the fact that they are aging. When you think of it in terms of only having so many years to live on this earth to begin with, it is no wonder that a child leaving home is such a big deal.

So, we are in touch with our own mortality perhaps for the first time in our lives. Also, marriages have to change when this happens. When the focus has been on a child for so many years, what do you do with the marriage now? There may be another child that some additional interest can be given to, or, if not, then a couple can have some time to rediscover one another and what the marriage is all about. Sometimes a couple sees that they don't want to be married any more. If there are major problems in the marriage that has seen a child as the glue that has held things together, then some real problems could surface without this glue. Regardless of what the situation is, there will definitely be a change, and some growth hopefully will occur in those involved.

The child who has left home is going to be affected in ways that he or she probably never imagined. The child will learn a lot about life at this stage. He will now have to make decisions about is life with no mom or dad to be there to hold his hand and tell him everything to do. Now, it is not necessarily that the child couldn't make good decisions on his own, when he was home. It is just that parents have a compelling need to hover over their children to the extent that, many times, it hinders the son or daughter from growing. This is done out of love, or fear and concern for the world that the parents see for their child.

The time of leaving also usually proves to the child that mom and dad do care a lot about him. A child here is able to get a more objective view of what parents ahve been about in trying to usher him or her into adulthood. Many times, especially during the adolescent years, there is a constant conflict between parernts and children. What most of us fail to see is that this is a normal developmental stage. I believe it is a part of God's plan for children to butt heards with parents in these years. The children can start critically evaluatiing the parents and see that they are human with frailities and failures, and the angel wings disappear. The clipping of the wings, then, does not just occur with parents; it really starts with the children. A child would probably never leave home if he didn't go through a rebellious stage.

There is evidence today to support claims that the family is not always dysfunctional if a child doesn't leave home. If this is the case, then the adult child certainly will have to relate to the parents in a different way. More responsiblilities should be expected by the parents of the adult child. The tricky part is how the parents will treat the adult. If the adult child doesn't accept responsiblity and take on his fair share, you usually see a home that is riddled with conflict and confusion. Interestingly enough, some people seem to thrive in environments like this. I've seen people that evidently get such a high from this dysfunctional system that they can't seem to exist without it. I've also seem therapist, try and change dynamics so a healthier environment could exist only to discover that change is not what the family wants.