Parents as role models.

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ROLES PARENTS SET FOR US

BY AUBREY HAMMACK

 

 

 

 

We’ve all seen parents who have had all kinds of expectations for their children. Some want them to become doctors, lawyers, movie stars, sports celebratities and the like. I remember vividly when my son was born that I wanted him to not just be a good football and baseball player but an outstanding one. Now, he was a good athlete. But he was never the star I wanted him to be. The biggest part of this was that I never played sports myself due more to low self-esteem than to any athletic abilities that I possessed. I remember a friend of mine telling me some years back that he felt I possessed abilities in football and basketball that were never uncovered. To hear him say that meant a lot to me. But the fact remains I never was any kind of sports star.

 So when my son came along, I found myself almost living my life over again through him. Forunately I was able to realize early on that my son's  education was far more important than any fading glory that he might have on the baseball or football fields. Yes, he did play sports and was better than average but like I told him even at the time, use sports for good clean recreation but to remember that cultivating your mind is so much more important.

We sometimes cripple our kids with our dreams. We have expectations usually that run high. I am not saying this is all bad. My wife and I taught our children to reach for the stars in life. They have in our opinions. My son is now an archaeologist and my daughter is in her final year of work on a Ph D in child psychology.  I do feel it is extremely important for us to allow our children to make decisions that belong to them and not us. Of course as they are growing up they need guidance from us. 

Unfornately there are parents who never learned how to dream for themselves.  I remember one time a few years ago, a therapist friend of mine told me that she felt so many people that she had encountered on her caseload did not have the ability to dream. This counseling center was located in a small town ridden with poverty. Thank God as a small boy growing up on a cotton mill village, I did posssess the ability to dream even though I had little else..  I was always wondering what would happen to me. Would I grow up with no education, quit school and work in the cotton mill.  I certainly wanted a better life and for what ever reason I did possess a buring desire inside to do something with my life. 

 Back to making decisions for our kids.  Recently I was made aware of a classic case of this pertaining to a father  choosing the college that his children attended and if they did not agree withdrawing his financial blessings.  

On of my favorite plays is The Death of a Salesman. You know the story, Willy Loman, a broken down failing hosiery salesman, commits suicide at the end of his career. But he never is able to realize that his son Biff, the former football star, is just a has been sports star that is never able to get his life on track. Biff even makes an emotional plea to his father to let him go and let him be what he is. Willy simply can not do this.

What does this play have to teach us today. A lot. We need to let the children go at some point. Our children should be allowed to choose their own destiny. That can start at a very early age. I remember hearing Christian psychologist, James Dobson saying some years ago that we start at an early age letting go of our children. We can do this in small tiny steps at first.

We certainly need to be there for guidance when our children are looking for it or needing it. And  this does not just pertain to children. We will always need some advice from our parents, I believe.  We as parents should give this advice when solicited in a gentile way. And most of all, we should do it with true love for them. We can make suggestions in a loving kind of way, the way John Walton does for his family. A couple of other examples of this kind of love is shown between Andy Griffith and Opie and Robert Young in the old Father Knows Best TV series. 

I’ve know some parents that choose everything for their children: clothes, sports they participate in, movies they see, music they listen to, colleges they attend, and even try to match them with girl or boyfriends. While I will be the first to say at times some kids need more gudiance than others, most kids need to be given some rope. 

We as parents need to take a good inventory of ourselves even before the children are born. We need to make sure that we will be positive role models for our offspring.  Are there any changes we need to make to help with this?