What happens when the affair ends?

             
 

After the affair is "out in the open" and the immediate crisis is calmed, there comes a time when all the partners come to gripes with where to go from here.  In affairs that have involved both parties being married, many times divorce is seen as the only option for at least one of the partners.  What does this really indicate? 

Many times the female infidel has been thinking long before the affair took place that she wants out of an unhappy marriage. 

This brief vignette shows one person's delimena.  Ann has been married for 16 years. She is 36 and has two children, 14 and 12.  This wife has been generally unhappy for some time now. There is a possibiltiy that she has had an epiphany.  She is really unhappy with herself as much as the marriage.  She has decided she would like to go back to school.  She discusses this with her husband but he does not give her his full blessings.  He secretly feels threatened by the idea.  But she goes anyway. She struggles with her duties at home and at school but finishes her degree.

While this is happening she sees a husband that has started drinking more and more, and on top of that, he starts dabbling in drugs. He doesn't feel particularly good about himself either. The wife feels a general unhappiness with this situation but continues to pursue her goal.  They are arguing more and more about almost everything. 

 The dynamics of this relationship was based on the husband always being the strong one and the wife needing to be taken care of.  She was actually attracted to this man early on in the dating relationship because of him appearing to be strong and in charge and she felt she needed someone to take care of her. He displayed the basic father image to her.  She presented needy and bingo that is what he was good at. So now you start to get the picture. 

This couple has been really unevenly yoked. And to top that off, she has grown restless as she decides she needs something more and the decision that she made to return to school  helped her think in a different way about a lot of things. No doubt as she is attending school, she experiences an individuality that she has not known before.  She is being exposed to all kinds of stimuli.

Now to fast forward to today.  She has had an affair which last several years and finally it was found out.  She makes the decision to break off with the affair partner. She goes back to this husband as she is still in somewhat a weakened state.  But guess what, this does not solve the marriage issues. The seed has been planted about what a different life would be like.

 The marriage does not make it.  The affair even though it is over actually gives her the strength that she needs to finally file for divorce and soon after that she meets another male.  They fall in love and are married in a few months. 

Now what really happened here?  She had been unhappy in her marriage for some time and really basically unhappy with herself as she started feeling the urge to be more whole.  She has lost the desire to be with this guy and now has a yearning to be an equal player and not one that is to be just taken care of.  She has grown as a human being. 

The first affair is actually the catalyst for the divorce.  In other words, she used the affair to break herself away from a marriage that she felt she needed out of. This was not a conscious decision while she was in the affair.  It is a good possibility that in the first affair she really loved the guy but as things got more complicated after the affair was out in the open, she felt the best way was to end the affair.  But because of being so torn and not quite strong enough at the time, she could not completely pull herself away from a husband that she really didn't want to share the rest of her life with. 

As she goes back to this husband, she begins to consciously see that she does not want to be there with him anymore.  The affair helped to awaken her to new feelings and revelations about herself.

It is my belief that long term affairs of the heart don't just happen.  Couples are usually attracted to each other out of  needs that they feel are not being met.  And yes I believe that many times some of these couples are very much in love with their affair partners.  

The research points out that in most cases like the one described in this article, the affair partners don't usually make it with each other.  They end their relationships many times and go on to find someone else to live out their lives with.  Some stay in the marriage and play out the role but emotionally they dry up. 

It is such hard work in today's world for a marriage to prosper and not fail.  I dare to say that most marriages are not really that happy. The partners find ways to endure each other in those that stay married.  

It is my belief that without guidance from God and a whole lot of communcation with each other, these situations will not change.