Exploring father and daughter relationships

 

                       FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS

 

There is a song out that is a big hit currently by John Mayer called Daughters that prompted the writing of this article. I have realized more so during my career in mental health how men have such an impact on their daughters in so many areas. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen females marry someone just like their dad. I could even tell you times when I’ve seen girls marry the same body type as their dad and have the same personality as their dads. Sometimes this can be a good thing and sometimes not. For if the father is a rotten son of a gun and has little positive things to give back to this daughter, he gives these poor examples to this daughter that in turn she may search for in a mate for herself .

To be more specific, if the father is an abuser, who beats, disrespects, or treats his wife as an unequal partner, then who is watching and learning all of these negative attributes that this father is passing out, the daughter of course. She has a God given need to identify with her father.

So what does the daughter do? She grows up acting out what she thinks is appropriate for a female as her father has taught her that females are not highly valued. She sees herself as a piece of property, or as a sexual object to be used by men. She might see a good mate as a fouled mouth, uneducated person and she feels drawn to this type of person without realizing why. When she starts moving towards dating, more times than not, she selects someone that reminds her of what she has been unconsciously taught. Oh, she even goes as far as thinking this is really love. She like Mayer’s song states, learns to love like this man has shown her, he loves her mother.

In case you’ve not heard the song, it is one with such a profound message. It really is about modeling. One verse states, So fathers, be good to your daughters, Daughters will love like you do, Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters to. When these girls turn into mothers, then they will also mirror to their children unhealthy as well as healthy ways that they have had modeled to them.

The song even mentions a boy’s need for the warmth from a woman’s good heart to help make him into a better man. On a personal note, my mother, who is gone now, was the sweetest spirited person I’ve ever known. She loved all of her children to a fault. I was pampered and always taken care of as a child, and so when I married I expected the same from my wife. But I didn’t get that. You may want someone just like the woman that married dear old dad, but you don’t need a mother. You need a partner, lover, and wife. If your wife becomes your mother,  as far as I'm concerned, you're damaged goods.  It has been amazing to me how often though that this happens. 

We really do need an awakening among males and females about the marriage process.  It is so crucial that they both be aware of the things they bring into a marriage that has such effects on the children they will bring into this world. 

This song has made me so aware again of what happens in role modeling.  The responsiblility in marriage is  so awesome and the potential for damage is strong enough that more and more I think a marriage and family course should be taught at the high school level that is mandatory for girls and boys. I also realize that one course can not take the place of good moms and dads modeling positive values for their children.