Article describes trip to New York in 1993.

KEEPING IN TOUCH ( First Published in the Upson Home Journal June 1993) (Revised November 8, 2002)

I was taking an early morning walk this Sunday morning the 3rd slightly after 9:00 am when my thoughts turned to the past 4 weeks. In that time I’ve made two trips to New York City. The first was to take my son to take his oral exams. He had just gotten home the day before from Germany.

The second trip was to watch him along with 7,000 other students’ graduate from New York University. Then upon returning home, my daughter graduated from high school on Tuesday, May 24th. Only the night before at her Baccalaureate service at St. Joseph’s Catholic Church, I listened as she spoke briefly at those ceremonies. She spoke so well I hardly recognized her. And then my parents names were called as the grandparents that were deceased were called for the seniors. That night I was especially proud and sad.But while I was in New York for my son’s graduation, I made some observations that I wanted to share today. I am still overwhelmed by the city. As I visited the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, I could feel such history. On Ellis Island it was almost as if the ghosts of the past were there.

What is it about this city that is so thrilling and captures me? I’m still not sure. Maybe it is all the people, stores, and traffic. I don’t believe there is anything that you could possibly want and not find there. Maybe its was the subway ride that started pleasantly enough until two black males boarded my train and pulled sandwiches out of a large brown gag and asked if there wee any homeless people on this train. They were taking fast and mixing religion in with their talk and finally made a plea to all of us to thank God for our prosperity. That’s when I wondered if I would leave the train homeless myself. Or was it the young couple on the same train that appeared to be in their 30s obviously very much in love. They were almost touching my shoulder in an extremely crowded train by that time. They were expressing their love with heavy necking, kissing and caresses. Did that bother me? Yes, because I was envious. New York City is the ideal place for a couple to be that are in love. I couldn’t imagine a better place for a honeymoon.But there was one thing that reminded me that NYC is like every place else I’ve been.

I was standing in front of the Banana Republic across the street from Bloomingdales using a movie camera to record some of this city, when I observed her. She was on the corner with two small children. The youngest was seated in a double seated stroller. The little boy stood beside her. She held a cup in her hand begging for money. I pulled some change out of my pocket and dropped it into her cup. She thanked me. Suddenly, I became curious. The next 30 to 45 minutes minutes I engaged this woman, whose name was Mary Soto, in conversation. She told me that Eddie was 5 and that her daughter, Justine was 2. She had left her husband 3 weeks ago and moved into the streets. He was a batterer. She told me of many beatings that he had given her and the children. He was an alcoholic. He was on cocaine. He didn’t have a job. He wasn’t trying to get one. He continually threatened her if she left him. He accused her of going with other men even her relatives.

What Mary told me described the classic batterer. As I listened, I became angry. My first reaction to these reports has always been the same. I wish to God I could be there when it was happening to stop it. A man that will treat a woman like this needs very much to try it on someone who can and will fight him. It takes such a coward to do this to a female.

Why does a man do this? He does it because he feels powerless and this is a way of having power. He has to dominate a woman to boost his self-esteem. He feels good when he is cutting her down or abusing her physically or sexually. Usually these men have been abused physically and sexually themselves. He needs long term counseling. Research indicates that men will also abuse the children. What is the answer for the woman in this situation? She has to get away and take the children with her. But the husband uses fear and guilt to control his wife. He will threaten her and say that she will lose the kids, or he might tell her the kids will hate her if she takes any action or he might even be stupid enough to say if you leave and mess up this family God will send you to hell. He will tell her that he will tell her friends, co-workers, and family that she is an unfit mother or that she is running around on him. He will be insanely jealous and make her account for every minute of her time and not want her to be out of his sight. Why? Because he fears she might really leave him. He will remind her that financially she can not make it without him. He makes her feel guilty for even considering leaving him.

When they argue after it is over he will tell her how sorry he is for what he has done. He will cry, send flowers and buy her gifts to prove to her how much he cares. This is the honeymoon period. Many times women will buy this and tell themselves he is really a good man, or he didn’t really mean to hurt her or the kids.

But he never changes and he won’t.What did I tell Mary Soto in New York on that day? I first advised her not to go back to him. I told her she needed counseling to continue to give her strength for this move. Did I envision that this family would be put back together? No. She shouldn’t have to live that way. No human being deserves to be treated like that. Mary is a 29 year old, bright, attractive young woman that I am sure can find someone else to share her life with that will treat her as she deserves to be treated. What she needs is love and support from family, friends and a church.

This along with a counselor that can help show her the part she plays in relationships like this. She needs empowerment and this is what counseling can give her along with ideas as to keep this from happening to her again. She needs to examine her history of how she got into this bad relationship. Many times women feel they must stay in a bad relationship because of what God will do to her or that the kids will hate her or that they will be messed up because of her leaving.

There is no God that would punish anyone for fleeing a bad marriage whether abusive or not. The kids will be severely damaged if the wife stays and they grow up in this.  What we are told is that boys will become abusers like their fathers as they watch and model him.

After hearing Mary’s story, I asked her how much longer she would be on the street that night. She said she couldn’t go in until she had $8.00 for the room and some money for food for the kids to eat supper. I gave her $20.00 and she left with the kids.

As I watched her walk away with those children, I wondered what would happen to Mary Soto and the countless others just like her. I asked her to write me and let me know how things turn out. I hope to God she makes the break from this man.

Good luck Mary to you and those beautiful kids.