Article deals with dealing with appropriate boundaries

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES (Published 11-12-91 in the Upson Home Journal)



By Aubrey Hammack



Working in the mental health field for over ten years now, I have been made keenly aware of what it means not to have healthy emotional boundaries. Why is this a problem and what are some of the answers for it?

We are told that people with boundary issues usually have much more in depth problems. Most of the time, it seems that this type of behavior is learned from families of origin. This is the nuclear family, which consists of mother, father, sister and brother. Sometimes this inappropriate behavior is handed down for generations.

Recently, it was my pleasure to have as guest on WSFT’S “Your Community”, Dr. Stephen Hamby, a psychologist from Atlanta. He shared his ideas on this topic and many are included in this column.

Dr. Hamby states that boundary issues are often seen at the work place by bosses or other people who abuse their positions. Other examples include physicians, lawyers, therapists, and teachers to name a few.

How a boss relates to his employees has a lot to say about boundaries. Bosses who engage in employee friendships in the work place or outside of it, will find it increasingly difficult to be objective with the employee when evaluation times rolls around.

When a previous co-worker becomes the boss to a subordinate, often the old boundary lines must be redefined. Sometimes resentment is the norm in these situations. The employee who did not get the promotion will feel upset or threatened by the new relationship that he must have with his friend.

Below are some suggestions on how to deal with boundary violators. Start by defining what the boundaries are.

On physical boundaries, decide if the three-foot limit between you and someone else is comfortable enough. Let the crossee know that it makes you uncomfortable when this space is violated.

When or if someone mentions something offensive to you, say so. You might consider saying, “I don’t appreciate your talking like that to me, or I do not wish to discuss this. Newly married couples experience this with parents sometimes.

Again simply saying, “I will handle the disciplining of my children or I do not wish to discuss our finances or marital problems with you.”

Since the confirmation of Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court, it has been widely recognized that there are boundary problems that exist between the sexes. Sexual harassment has a lot to do with boundary violations. I do believe these situations should be handled aggressively on whatever side feels they are being harassed.

Boundary crossing is a complicated issue sometimes. The degree of pathology that the violator has determines how hard one might have to work to get people to respect these bounds. Although we are taught this behavior, we can teach ourselves how to stop being boundary violators and how to stop those who cross our own boundaries.

There are people who seem to thrive on or enjoy living in this unhealthy way, but in most cases, they only need someone to stand up and demand that their boundaries be respected. Realizing that you or someone else is overstepping bounds goes a long way towards solving this issue.