For those of you who have suffered the loss of a love one and is dreading the idea of facing a holiday or any special day without your love one, here is some helpful advice to help you through it.

With the holidays approaching and the memories of our departed love ones never far from our thoughts, I reflect back to that first holiday season immediately following the losses of my mother and son and remember how I dreaded the holidays as they neared. My mother died in August and my son in September of 1994, so the first holiday after that was Thanksgiving. Prior to 1994, as a family tradition, we spend every Thanksgiving holiday, as a matter of fact now that I think about it, every holiday at my mother’s house. And because of that, I had no idea of what we would do now that she was gone. I remember, as the holiday drew nearer I began to experience feelings of panic, of insecurity and of fear. And those feelings steadily increased daily. I began to wonder if I would be able to endure the pain of facing the holidays without my love ones for I thought for certain that the pain I already felt from those losses would surely increase because my love one(s) were not here with me to share the holiday with. These feelings; fear, pain and insecurity, began to interfere with my daily thinking process and before long I was not able to focus on one thing for any length of time and this meant that things either went undone, they were not done correctly or if they were, it took much longer for me to complete them than they normally did. When Thanksgiving day finally arrived, I remember as I opened my eyes, all of the fears and insecurities that I had been experiencing had actually already reached their peak for I was no more fearful or felt any more pain than I had felt the days, weeks and months preceding the holiday. And I realized that all of these feelings were because of my anticipation of facing the holidays without my love ones and I thought that I wasn’t going to be able to bear this. It was then I realized that everyday, even if it was a holiday, was not going to increase the pain I felt just because the day was a holiday. I realized that I had been living every day without my love ones since their deaths. And since I had already made it through the days, weeks and months since the losses occurred, I knew I would make it through Thanksgiving also. With that realization, my feelings of fear and insecurity did not overcome me with the anticipation of the next holiday, Christmas. Yes, I survived Christmas also. It is not to say I was not sad or I did not miss my love ones. I assure you I did. But the anticipation of the “holiday” itself did not add to the pain of my losses. The pain’s already there and to some degree, I believe it will be there forever. After surviving my first holiday season without my love ones, I have not experienced any type of fear or anxiety over any approaching holiday, birthday, or any other special day that I shared with my love ones while they were still alive. I have accepted the fact that my love ones are no longer here with us and that everyday for the rest of my life and beyond, they will not be here with us. I know that once I accepted that fact I can face anything that life throws my way. But I did not get to this process of acceptance overnight. It took months of attending Grief counseling in a group setting that focused on understanding the grief process and prayer. I learned to rely on my faith and realized that with God’s help, I could make it through anything, even the loss of a parent, child or significant other. Through my faith in God and my love of reading, I learned that although God was not to blame for the death of my love ones as God is the giver of life, it was he and only he who could help me make it through the loss of my mother and son. And it has been my faith in God that had allowed me to be where I was, and where I am today in the grief process. I believe whole-heartedly that without God, I would not have been able to reach the point of acceptance, the final stage in the grief process. When I am weak and feel that the pain is too much to bear when I think of my love ones no longer being here to share life with, I turn to him (God) and ask him for the strength to make it over any moment of weakness. And believe it or not, with time, the pain associated with the loss of a love one will lessen. There is so much truth to the saying, “Time heals all wounds,” and only time will teach you this lesson. If you have suffered the loss of a love one and a holiday or other special day is approaching and you feel you cannot cope, I urge you to seek some type of grief counseling. Talking with others who have gone through or are going through what you going through may help you make it through the grief process. And eventually you will be able to face any day, holidays included knowing that your love ones are not very far from you. Once you do, you will be able to accept the loss of a love one. You will come to realize as long as you live with the love of your love one(s) in your heart, they are always with you and live through you.