We were at a restaurant the other night when my granddaughter got something caught in her braces. It's really uncomfortable when that happens. But, she felt better after I told her about my friend, Dingus MacDonald. He somehow managed to get a large animal stuck in his braces.
I told him, "Don't bite the moose!" But would he listen? It was a terrible sight to behold. The pain. The terror. The crying. And Dingus was kinda scared too.
Considering the trouble I've always had with girls, you've probably figured out by now that he had a sister so naturally, my life was complete. Her name was Gladys "Bloodbath" MacDonald. She got the nickname after biting the ear off some guy because he called her ill-tempered. After that, the guy mostly said, "Huh?" I think she's one reason I have the voices.
"Mutilate grandpa."
"Shut up!"
Gladys wasn't much of a looker but once you shaved her back and upper lip, she didn't resemble Paul Bunyun so much. But, she still made Arnold Swarzenegger look like an anemic swamp rat.
I knew I was in trouble the moment we met. She looked at Dingus and said, "He's purty!" I wasn't a bad sprinter in those days but she could make a cheetah look like an iceberg dragging log chains so I never stood much of a chance.
"Silly boy. Mama love you."
Wonderful.
It's a good thing somebody invented horse tranquilizer or I would have never finished my freshman year. But, strange things started happening. I was pulled over by the police and asked if I had a permit.
"Permit for what?"
"For that!"
"That's my girlfriend."
"You sick, putrid little man."
Despite all odds, the relationship was going great until I took her to the zoo one weekend. We were passing the gorilla cage when she said, "Ooooh!" and jumped the fence. We never saw her again.
So, goodbye Bloodbath. I'm sure you'll find happiness once they release you in the wild. As my mother said when I was born, "Am I on Candid Camera?"
For more, go to my site, diggerdan.where's-the-camera? Double click on the bloated image of Fidel Castro and win a fun-filled cruise through the Suez Canal on a banana boat with Orville the Narcosistic Orangutan.
Hmmm. He looks strangely familiar. Who's your mama?
My psychiatrist says that therapy for me is like changing tea time on the Titanic. It's still gonna sink.
www.lifeinthedweeblane.com
