Freebee for a peek-see:

Okay! Okay! Got a name for this "newsletter" experiment.
Based on all the responses, I'm calling it "TWIRP."

Which means:

"This Writer Is Really Peculiar."Newsletter Dated: 5/31/2004 3:42:38 AM

Subject: Temptation Drive Thru, Part I of III

TWIRP News Notes--Vol 1 # 1


Hey Now, It's Memorial Day! The Indy 500 was a wet as a snail's foot, people can fish for bluegill from their bedroom windows, and anybody who planned a cookout quickly resorted to ninety-nine cent drive thru burgers.

What's that got to do with this newsletters theme? Nothin'. I just like to make sure I got your attention because for some of you the rest of this treatise may be as boring as Elwood Blues' staple diet of four pieces of dry white toast.

Well, like those of you who read last newsletter you saw that as an "intro" I proposed to bare it all when it comes to exposing myself to confessions of my emotional eating habits. And since I'll be age 50 on September 13 (read between the lines, I like gifts), plus being a firm believer that it's time for my baby fat to leave my aging frame, I'll document the first of three months worth of activity (or lack of) in what I call my own reality newsletter topic: Temptation Drive Thru.

I'll not bore you with all the sticky sweet details, just the fun stuff. And I don't do low carb. I lose track when I count, and the last time I looked, I never saw a carb kill anybody.
(Besides, cigarettes and war do a good enough job of that but ya'll go on do whatcha wanna do.)

Last week I saw my physician, "Hippie Doc" Dr. Debbie. (See corresponding article). And I decided I'd start improving what's left of my life by taking a walk along a lovely area near my home called "Cardinal Greenway."

Now granted, ain't much in Muncie IN; I mean when people come to Muncie, it's for one of three reasons:

1. Help out a sick relative who needs public assistance help not available to them because they are a penny over the high income line for a family of four at a whoppin' $9,999.99 a year. . . gross;

2. Going to Ball State University to earn your degree, and then leave on the first thing smokin'

3. You got arrested in the county by one of our Officer Friendlies who have questionable arrest tactics unlike those found among officers of the Mayberry Patrol.

And you are askin' yourself about right now, "Hey Reed, how come you are still in Muncie?" Well, I tell ya straight up three more reasons:

1. Found man with no kids, no ex-wives, and a job;

2. Found out I could go to grad school, work for Planned Parenthood and get free birth control;

3. Found out that spontaneous sex often leads to spontaneous pregnancy regardless of what your career goals may be.

And that's how I gained 75 pounds.

(And you've just said "huh!?" didn't you???

Well, if you wanna read the book it's a comin' in a few years--BUT, basically as a good lil' size 10 homemaker at the time, I thought, "well, everytime I cook what he loves, i.e. main dish of gravy with a few mashed potatoes on the side, homemade Betty Crocker chocolate cake; mac 'n' cheese 'n' cheese 'n' cheese, pork chops, yeast rolls just like the store chain made, green beans, cornbread, in that order, that my new husband would appreciate it so much that he'd rock my boat every chance he'd get.

"Sailing, Sailing, Over the Bonding Main!"

Well, after babies number 1, 2 and 3, and after over 10 years of jobs from bosses I thought I might learn something from but found out they were only just pretending to be smart, and after all the marital spats that kept my stress level craving sugar to the point of "I'm so mad, I'll show ya' just how FAT I can make myself" illogical logic, here I am at a pleasingly chiffon plumpness of 214 (NO, make that 212 now!) pounds.

And you probably now are thinking, "My God how bad is this woman's Adult A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder to those not paying attention.)

Well, the plumpness of my frame just gave my husband more to hang onto; we started eating out more as the kids got old enough to realize that they could hang out with friends and avoid doing the dishes, and most importantly, I discovered Lane Bryant. Why lose weight when I can look cute, big?

Of course Dr. Debbie said my blood pressure was up, and my thyroid levels were down, and going into a state or peri-menopause, that ain't good y'all.

So, around 3 p.m. Central Time on Wednesday, May 26, 2004, I tied up my hair in a scarf, put on some less than coordinating jeans and a tee-shirt, slapped on a pair of my husband's athletic socks and the Skechers fitted with Dr. Scholl's insole for my flat feet, and I started walking. And walking, and walking.

Why did I walk? Not because I wanted to start exercising right then and there after years of inactivity.

I walked because I didn't want to wash the dishes. Walked a whole freakin' two hours. Six miles from my home to Ball State University.

Did I hurt the next day? What the heck do you think!?!

But I was proud of myself.

Well, one of my former grad school professors said I was an extemist when it comes to getting things done. He called me a "pit bull." I admire that. . . it's sorta like this newsletter. I'll turn down a challenge as often as a dog will turn down a prime rib that fell off the outdoor cooking grill.

But before I go this time, gotta tell you the real reason I walked six miles after not having walked for at least six years: I left my bus fare at home by mistake.

Hey, but I got my water bottle though! And I didn't mind the pain so much because of this mind over matter thing I believe from the bible the book of Second Corinthians 9:6 - "But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully."

This author's take on these inspired words: Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'. So if I do nothin' to change somethin' when I say I want somethin' different, and if I do nothin' and get nothin' as far as results, I'm either unwilling to be disciplined, too whiny to take instruction, or too old and crazy to believe I can change.

Well, I'm not too old, but I am crazy enough to beat the obesity odds by saying no to things that I know are not going to help me get the results I want.

(Now if you think I'm tryin' to preach and beat a drum for the cause of health and wellness for those who need it, all I have to say is "hey, handle ya' own bid-nizz," as we used to say in college in those Sly and the Family Stone days. No one will pay for my high blood pressure except me.

And so I thought, "Look-a-here you cellulite, you calories, you leftover donuts from the day before that are content to find a nesting site between my inner thighs! I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more (courtesy of Popeye, all spinach rights reserved.)

So, after six weeks on my blood pressure medication, my blood pressure has gone from 155/110 to 125/90. What's more, I'm:

1. Sleeping with oxygen at night to help my metabolism, and when I drop 30 pounds I can get off of the oxygen;

2. Drinking at least, to start, 64 plus ounces of E-spring water every day (see Jus' Plain Nasty article);

3. Teaching my husband how to dance like R. Kelly;

4. Eating pretzel sticks at the computer (not in a bag, but a bowl) instead of potato chips,

5. Turning to turkey as my official meat as in turkey ham, turkey bacon, turkey weenies, oh yeah, and just plain turkey-as-is.

6. Exercise-wise, I figure I'll walk five days a week for 1-2 miles past all the cute shoes at the mall, with time off for good behavior on weekends where I can dive into a McDonald's apple pie,

7. Lastly, do what my Mother always said, "Make sure your head and feet look good." So my wonderful spouse bought me two pair of new dress shoes. . . nothin' like patent leather to rub up against his leg, which results in burning up even more calories. . . the slow FUN way!

Enough for now, and you understand once again why this newsletter is called "This Writer Is Really Peculiar!" i.e. TWIRP.

God bless, keep checking the poetry, articles, stories and event, and I see YOU again, God willing, at end of June a few pounds less.

And like that little Sprite Commercial Puppethead, I'm gonna show you MY motto:

"Slow and steady wins the Carnegie Deli Cheesecake that I will eat in New York City when I reach 150 pounds."
Remember, show me your weight loss and I'll show you mine.

So, 'til June 30 for Temptation Drive Thru,
Part II of III

blessin's,

cynth'ya

P.S. "Pssst. . . subcribe, I promise not to tell the CIA."