While driving my husband to work the other day, one local disc jockey noted that this was National Procrastination Week. “Whoo boy,” I commented to myself, “there’s just one more silly week to commemorate that has absolutely no redeeming value for this, or the next generation.”

Then, as inspiration would, I get a thought about how much we habitually put off time-saving tasks that would better organize our day. I thought about the great brains among us who have nothing better to do than to come up with National-this-or-that Week. “What do they do with their time?”

That’s easy. . they invest their time telling the rest of us that we are so flat-out bored in our mind-dulling routines that we need something to motivate us to think differently. Therefore, we have these specially designated “weeks.” And month by month, to give more purpose to our existence, we take great pride in commemorating something that others feel should be of value to us to those who choose not to worship Elvis.

For instance, January brings us traditional days like New Year’s Day and Martin Luther King’s Birthday. By the way, MLK has the dubious honor of sharing a month with Elvis. Wouldn’t it be grand if there could be a plane full of flying Elvies of all nationalities and creeds, joining hands together and parachuting out of a plane singing the old Negro spritual, “Free At Last?” Maybe then Las Vegas could lose its little known reputation as one of the most xenophobic cities in America.

But did you know that for juvenile television addicts there is even a special day commemorating Disney’s dyslexic Winnie the Pooh and that suu-weet playful football-head Ernie (as in the annoying whimsical roommate of Bert from Sesame Street). So of course if the latter is the case, what better month than January to commemorate National Oatmeal month?

Since we’re all closet recovering Sesame Street freaks, gotta give Elmo a month in February. After all, Elmo’s fur is dazzling cherry red, like Valentine’s Day chocolate covered cherries.

Therefore after destroying our children’s tooth enamel with sweet treats, why not go ahead and squeeze in National Children’s Dental Month? George Washington wouldn’t care. . . he had teeth carved from a moss-covered stump of a cherry tree that he supposedly axed. So since February was short on days, to amend for George’s tree-killing sins, some tree lover went and created National Arbor Day in April.

It makes sense because after consuming all of those fattening confections, we immediately had to designate observances like National Share-a-Smile month, National Nutrition Month and National Doctors Day in March.

Then some folks forsake all of that prevention, dress up like leprechauns, travel all the way to Chicago to hang our in a bar to drink beer and pinch butts on National St. Patrick’s Day in March. This also probably explains why the sale of goofy hats is at an all time high for National Dr. Seuss Day. Folks are too plastered to put their hard earned money on hats they can wear to more places than a bar.

During April, adoring fans of every creature from anacondas to to zebras (and let’s not forget the one with leftover parts from creation, the duck-billed platypus) can honor their existence on National Pet Owners Day. And since some of those pets love to leave us presents in our landscape, what better way to honor National Earth Day than spread their packaged joy around the garden for National Garden month.

Then if our green thumb turns black, we can check out a book to find out why we’re such lousy gardeners by participating in National Library Month.

Come May day, it’s time to take a chill pill from all of that gardening. Hit the bike trails for National American Bike Month. As we peddle along, be sure not to run over any ducks crossing the path because that would be no way to remember National Duckling Month or National Mother Goose Day. If your personality is that of a loner, feel free to tell anybody you want to go fly a kite. But it won’t be an insult because it’s National Kite Flying Month. So you might attract a friend that you really don’t want.

June usually means the first day of Summer and Flag Day. Then there is the day to wonder what in the heck to get daddy this year? Especially if daddy is locked up in prison, it’s not like you can get him a necktie since he might end up hanging himself or strangling his cellmate. June is also the birthday for Donald Duck's Birthday.

Yeah Donald, like anybody really cares, like Bert who also shares a special day in July while commemorating National Teddy Bear’s Picnic Day with Ernie who drips ice creams all over Bert’s one and only favorite striped two-toned turtleneck since it’s also National Ice Cream Month.

Confidentially speaking, in July, Bert is always chompin' at the bit to claim his independence from the providence of Sesame Street. Either that or he’s going to electrocute Ernie by tossing a plugged-in blow dryer into the bathtub while Ernie plays around with his rubber ducky under the faucet.

August is a time where parents get rid of college kids. Ergo, they decided to have National Parent’s Day where they could sit round with other parents. After making friends for National Friendship Day, a nice group of newly freed adults might engage in doing interesting sports on National Watermelon Day.

Word to the wise: Don't get too friendly with strangers. Some of those activities might be x-rated if you discover that your new friends are swingers, which brings to mind that unless you want to end up with some freaky venereal disease, some friends are better left alone to themselves.

So don a big ol' toothy grin for National Smile Week, buy a plane ticket for National Aviation Day, and you and your sweetie go to a first-rate theme park like Cedar Point for National Roller Coaster Week. It’s a lot safer than being taken for a strange ride by a couple of sexual deviates.

I can’t imagine why after nine months, we decide that September is the time where breakfast is all of a sudden important and designate thirty days in honor of Better Breakfast Month. Be sure to include the dog in better a.m. rations for at least seven days for National Dog Week. Then feed scraps to your pooch for the 20 or so remaining days.

Hey, if that dust-covered library book you borrowed last April is way overdue and you cannot afford the fine, then go ahead and sign up for fee amnesty since it’s National Library Card Month. It’s way too late to make amends because National Procrastination Day was last March. But we can make up for our laziness on Labor Day. So turn over a new leaf of timelier behavior since the first day of autumn is soon be falling down around our heels.

Just don’t put off getting that brand new library card. Sign up under your mama’s name.

Finally down to the Big Three: October, November and December. These are the times some need to be placed on a ballot and voted off the American Calendar. And why in the month of October do we celebrate a guy who can't ask for directions?

Oh well, one things predictable during the last quarter of each and every eyars: All these upcoming holidays and office parties keep breeding the strength of our dysfunctional family values.

Perhaps however, during these brainwashed commericially driven times of the year, there is some hope for the few and the proud among us who just want to be left alone can curl up with good music CD or our most favorite 99 cent video store rental and eat popcorn and apples, since this month allows designated loners to celebrate all by themselves. (Who needs splattered pumpkin innards on their driveways and toilet papered landscape to honor trick or treat?)

Here's another alternative: Instead of choking our relatives or being a perpetrator of road rage, keep in mind that the month of November is International Drum Month. So if you feel that last nerve start to snap and crackle, grab a stick and beat up on something that won’t draw blood or a warrant for your arrest.

Thanksgiving gets awfully expensive, and with the rate of inflation going out of control, maybe the White House should forget Thanksgiving Turkey and eat peanut butter like the rest of unemployed America. November is National Peanut Butter Lover's Month which, coincidentally overlaps with National Sandwich Day.

So get yourself some a 2 lb. jar of Jiffy, lock yourself in your room and be thankful for what’cha got.
That brings us all the way back to daffy December. . . what’s left for anyone to say other than “THANK GOD IT’S OVER!” on December 31.

So goes humanity. So goes another year, without an official month for Dale Earnhardt.

Sweet Mother Mary, where is the justice in that!?

© 2005, cynth’ya lewis reed
all rights reserved.