After being married for three decades, it occured to me that there are some things that just stick in a girl's mind as to the accumlation of benefits when thinking of choosing your chosen one. Some may overlook these things as little quirks that men grow eventually outgrow.

But if you are still in the dating game, take a few pointers from an old sistah-warrior. Here's a baker's dozen of things you may overlook that will let you immediately know whether the one, is Mr. Marriage Material.

1. If he invites you to his house or apartment, and his mother is waiting for him in a bathrobe and pink hair rollers with a grim look on her face, if he's not categorized as Stella-got-her-groove-back Jail Bait; unless your name is Demi Moore then he is "Not The One."

2. If he calls you from a payphone to make a date, don't bother getting dressed, think about how any clown can afford a cell phone these days. Sad to say that he is not "Not The One."

3. If when you start to cross a busy street, and he says, "You go on, I'll catch up after I talk with my collection agent. . . . " not only do you now know his credit is el stinko, his also is "Not The One."

4. If there is a strange scent coming from his armpits and his excuse is "I don't do chemicals," tell him "Sorry Slick, I don't do sweat" and move on because Girlfren', he is "Not The One."

5. If he ever takes off his shoes at your place, and your carpet changes color with every step he takes, more than obvious that he is "Not The One."

6. If he pulls out his nose hairs, and counts them. . . all you can say is 'hush hush Sweet Charlotte. . ." and then run for first emergency exit because he is "Not The One."

7. If he says he's going to fix you a gourmet dinner, and then opens a can of Spam. . . but does it with his teeth to impress you. . . don't wait for what else is on the menu. Uh-uh, "Not The One!"

8. If he sleeps with his dog, and his dog smokes a cigarette in the morning. . . . well . . . .

9. If he looks into your eyes and says that your brain is more important to him than your body. . . he's a bald-face lie, or sexually confused. Chalk it up as experience because he ain't "The One" either!

10. If he promises a home cooked meal, but when you arrive there are no more dishes in the cabinet and the paper plate supply is exhausted, and all he has is a can of soup and a one straw. . . home boy is "Not The One."

11. If he saves pieces of soap in a mason jar, and calls it "being frugal" he's cheaper than a hooker at the Chicken Ranch on Double Coupon Day. He is "Not The One."

12. If he names the days of the week: NFL Monday, FOXSPORTS Tuesday, BEST DAMN SPORTS SHOW PERIOD Wednesday, ESPN Thursday, PLAYOFF Friday, TAILGATE Saturday and NASCAR Sunday. . . if you marry him, it's your fault 'cause he is "Not The One."

13. And for the finale, if he loves you, honors you, pampers you, wines and dines you, but still belches in the car to the tune of John Jacob Jingle-Heimerschmidt, if you really are that desperate, you have been given fair warning. . . .

"HE IS NOT THE ONE!" 

  © 2005 cynth'ya lewis reed
all rights reserved