In the corporate world, as we reach midlife, we pause to weigh the cost of our success. We start our career as a sprint. We run fast, pushing ourselves hard. Full of vinegar, we can’t wait to get into the office each morning, to prove ourselves and stack up successes. As we mature and win a measure of success, the sprint feels more like a marathon. Battles over politics and resources don’t feel like life and death anymore.

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When the cost is too high

From the time I was 13, I had a clear vision of my future: riding on a plane, wearing a navy blue suit, briefcase tucked at my feet. I would travel somewhere far away from the fields of corn of my childhood.

Many women of my generation shared that dream and made it a reality. But at what price? My friend Susan called to tell me of her new job, a top spot at a Fortune 100 company. But her voice was sad – as she started her new job, her marriage had ended. Susan and her husband had moved four times in four years to accelerate their careers. Four years of rapid relocations, long hours and being a trailing spouse had put too great a strain on their young marriage.

Women are not the only ones who have paid too high a price. My interviews found men who told cautionary tales of families lost through divorce, of devoting their entire life to building a company, to having a life without meaning after they were downsized. Men who could barely bring themselves to speak of years lost from their children’s lives.
From sprint to marathon
In the corporate world, as we reach midlife, we pause to weigh the cost of our success. We start our career as a sprint. We run fast, pushing ourselves hard. Full of vinegar, we can’t wait to get into the office each morning, to prove ourselves and stack up successes. As we mature and win a measure of success, the sprint feels more like a marathon. Battles over politics and resources don’t feel like life and death anymore.

We watch the next generation racing to catch up to us and see them making our same mistakes. We wonder, is it possible to pass down our hard-won wisdom? Or is this experiential for each generation?

Providing for our families without losing them in the process

"Balance is the biggest challenge for someone in a major leadership role. It is a struggle to spend time with the family for evening meals and vacations.”
Wendell Strode, non-profit

Most of us, most of the time, enjoy our work. It gives us challenge and structure. Our work strengthens our identity and gives us a reason to get up in the morning. We work hard for our families. It’s true that our family shares in our success. But if we are not careful, they also pay the price.

How do we balance our professional and personal lives, providing for our families without losing them in the process?

Busyness as a badge of honor

"Work can be like a drug – it takes discipline to shut it off. With cell phones, emails, and faxes I could work 24 hours per day.”
Jim Carrick, international trade

Balance challenges are compounded with today’s leaner staffs and longer hours. Work can become a never-ending, never-satisfied addiction, demanding all our time and energy. Technology and the virtual office can make it nearly impossible to turn off. Laptops, the Internet and cell phones allows you to work anywhere, any hours of the day so we find ourselves working everywhere, all hours of the day. We even work on vacation, calling into the office for critical messages, checking email from internet cafes in Europe.

In the quiet hours after everyone else has left the office, the temptation is strong to stay a little longer. We call home and say, “I’ll leave the office in 15 minutes,” then stay just a bit longer, just long enough to make a few more phone calls, to clear out email or empty an inbox. Before we know it, staying late becomes common place. Missed dinners with our family are replaced by wolfing down leftovers at the kitchen counter. We collapse into our favorite easy chair, drained from the day’s work, too tired for conversation, wanting no more than to vegetate in front of the television.

We race through our weekends, packed full of home projects, grocery shopping and carpooling the kids. We wear our busyness like a badge of honor. With all this busyness we allow friendships to drift away, unable to commit the time and emotional energy to sustain them. This busyness doesn’t necessarily create a fuller life. Our non-stop activity and over-commitment frays the bonds holding together our marriages and families.

Putting balance on a back burner

"It's sad that, as I turned 50, I achieved greater balance in my life but now the kids are gone. They turned out just like me, in the maniacal pursuit of work."
Jim McCallie, transportation

On those rare moments of reflection, we question the value of our over-committed schedule, “Has this has become my life? Work, eat, sleep, is this really all there is?”
Reflection often brings unpleasant realities and the nagging doubt that we have been racing towards the wrong goal.

Yet, it is difficult to keep any perspective when so much of our life and social network is wrapped up in work. Frequent relocations isolate us from community and extended family support. When all of our friends are from the office, the company becomes our second family.

Confronting the problems of our personal lives is unpleasant. It is far easier to work compulsively. We can become addicted to work, when it is such a large part of our identity, and such a powerful source of positive strokes.

For some, it takes a layoff to provide a quiet time to think things through, to take a fresh look at life, un-influenced by corporate thinking. Down time can also come through a leave of absence or a break between jobs, giving us a chance to catch our breaths and gain a new perspective.

Because pausing to re-evaluate our priorities and direction in life can be discomforting. We prefer to put the future on a back burner. We think, “I will live in balance when things slow down a little at work, when my staff is not so lean, when I complete this big project, or reach the next level. We weigh the short-term sacrifice, sure that we can live in balance later.

We climb the ladder to a level of success, catch our breath and look around. “Okay, life,” we say, “I’m ready to balance,” only to find that years of too much travel, too many exhausting work weeks, and too many years without a vacation have taken their toll. Our children are off at college; our spouse has become a stranger.

Barriers to balance

“I used to say, take care of the company and it will take care of you. Now I say, take care of yourself and the company will do just fine.”
Catherine Weeks, transportation

What is keeping you from a balanced life? It’s easy to blame the company. It’s true that some big name organizations deliberately burn through people because they know there
is always a fresh supply of talent eager to sign on with their successful image. Does your organization care about its people? Or does it feed off on workaholic tendencies?
Are you fearful of losing your job, or will you risk being demoted to a lower level position if you are perceived as lacking total commitment?

Be honest with yourself. Are you willing to step off the fast track and walk away from joining the inner circle? Have you reached a point where you can be content to stay at your current level?

Are you willing to cut back on your hours and risk being passed over for promotion? Can you simplify your lifestyle and reduce your commitments? The answer to some of these questions may be no. You may not be ready for balance.

As I became more involved in athletics and coaching, climbing the corporate ladder lost much of its appeal. I was happy to work hard and make a contribution, but I was no longer willing to make further sacrifices to get farther.

Yet the decision to plateau my career was difficult. I had always been driven by ambition and the need to prove myself. Athletics allowed me to channel those energies and ambitions in a different direction.

What would you be willing to give up to live in balance? Could you cut back on a long commute, take another position that didn’t require so much travel, work for a smaller company in a community with a slower pace of life? What would you be willing to trade for a better quality of life for you and your family?

Look at it from another perspective: What would you do to earn more money? Would you relocate away from extended family to a bigger city? Would you work most weekends and travel every week? Would you give up vacations? Would you give up on your marriage or even your kids? Often we don’t think through what we are putting at risk when we accept promotions or relocations. We don’t weigh the true cost of our success.
Each choice takes us closer or farther

“The biggest decision of my life was to move from Florida to New Jersey to become President of the North East division. It was a great opportunity for the company and for my career. I believe there are no right or wrong decisions, only the decisions we make. Ultimately it cost me my marriage. It was a very bad time for the kids and for me. I tried to go home on weekends, but your family doesn’t wait for you; they have their own lives.”
Larry Mercer, retail

Each career choice we make takes us away from one path and towards another life. In the gold rush of the Internet boom, we read stories of men who moved to Silicon Valley, leaving their families behind to work 18-hour days. They calculated the cost of giving up their children’s milestones and marriage moments against the lure of rapid wealth. They planned to cash in quickly, then spend their life-long retirement devoted to family, giving them every luxury.

Ask yourself, are you making choices to keep your marriage vibrant and stay in love with your spouse? Are you making long-term career choices to make a lasting contribution both at work and at home? Do you make decisions that strengthen your family and give your children a model of a happy, loving marriage?

Consuming ourselves to contentment

"People work hard, get a BMW, a big house, big money, lots of toys, but it doesn't equal happiness. There is still a void in their lives."
David Miles, retail

Is debt shackling you to an unbalanced life? Our society is crazed with consumerism, with acquiring the latest gadgets, the biggest houses on the block and highest status vehicles. We try to consume ourselves to contentment, then expend more time and energy taking care of all of our possessions. No matter what we earn, we manage to spend even more.

In my logistics career, I doubled my salary every four years, but the executive home, luxury cars and lifestyle easily kept pace with my paycheck. Only the fear of returning to single parent poverty kept me from going deeply into debt. If we keep our heads down and work away to pay the bills, we will always live just beyond our means. We will never catch up, never catch our breath, and never change our lives. Consumerism is out of control when it keeps us from living our lives with purpose.

Don’t wait for balance until the mortgage is paid off and the kids are out of college. Live now, in this moment. Have that baby. Make the changes you need to live a full life. A career is not enough to build your life around. Every career will have its mountains and valleys. When you are deep in the one of the valleys, you’ll appreciate a multi-dimensional life.

Today, more than ever, during these times of uncertainty, we need our families and communities to provide stability and belonging. Greater involvement in family and community life reinforces our identity outside of work and strengthens our direction.


A former executive at The Home Depot and The Limited, Rebecca Barnett is the author of Winning Without Losing Your Way, Character-Centered Leadership. Winning has been named “One of the very best of the year” by CEO Refresher magazine. Rebecca can be reached at (270) 843-6994 or online at www.winningyourway.com