I once believed that I could never love again after losing Leah, my wife of twenty-three years to the horror of pancreatic cancer. Never thought I to give of my heart again only to be crushed by deaths bitter blow. The nightmares of those days sometimes still come back to haunt me in my dreams. It is that last look in the eyes of love which depart in the simple whisper of one breath…and then the morbid silence sets in and the finality of what happened stings the soul with wails of anguish and pain. One walks away broken, dejected, and lost in the mist of misunderstanding. The question is always pursuant on the lips of the living; Why?

   Months pass and the answers are not revealed. Depressions sets in, anger toward God though denied is real. Where does one turn, and what does one do when trying to pick up the pieces of a dream that shatters before one’s eyes?  Do we give in to our own pity, or do we shrug off the event and harden our hearts? Often we do both as the battle between heart and soul strike swords with cosmic and eternal ramifications.  It is only when we surrender to the will of God and quit trying to control our own destiny that we begin to see new doors open and the sun begins to shine once more on the horizon of a new day.

   We then begin to understand that life is not perfect, but that His love for us all is perfect. Soon things begin to make sense and the Lord God of second chances in His love gives us another dream, and a reason to love again. This has happened for me once again only to be almost shattered in the course of a few minutes. Three weeks ago, my new love, my new hope lay limp in my arms. Eyes rolled back…the eyes of death. An aneurism had struck, and once again I felt the sting of death tingling in my arms. Flashbacks of the war…the loss of Leah my wife seared my fragile mind. It was so close, I could smell it, for death has a smell like no other and I cried aloud, not again God, not again. Yet God is a God of second chances, and Jan is still with me. Only this time I say not why, but what are you trying to teach me Lord? What shall I learn from this to further your cause? Lead me Jesus and I will follow.

   Though the days ahead are still uncertain, I know that my trust must, and without doubt be placed totally in His hands. For He is a God of second chances; A God who gave us all a second chance to live in His presence, and to live even after the passing of this mortal vessel. I still dream, and I look forward to Valentine’s Day 2011 when Jan and I will take our vow before God. Yes, God is good, and I must trust Him. I can only conclude that no matter what assails me in the flesh, that by Jesus I will survive until the day of my calling. He has given me a second chance, and so shall he you, if you but call upon His name.

J. Allen Wilson © 4/22/2010