How do I explain what it is I feel for you?

I look at you and I see love in your eyes.  It isn’t just smiling eyes.  It is eyes exuding actual spheres of love that my eyes ingest.  My eyes take it in and I am fulfilled.  The spheres go from my eyes to my brain and once there the brain alerts my entire body that love has been received.  From there warmth spreads and the whole body accepts this love and it is renewed.

When you walk into a room and I am standing in it I am told through your stance that I am the only important being in the room.  Your long tall body emits an energy that tells me it is here for me only.  When your body walks over to me, my body absorbs the pheromone yours is sending and my body reacts.  I get a shiver and tweak of excitement in my loins.  The female body knows when the right male body presents its self.   It knows exactly what it wants and where the need is.  I and my body know that you are the one for me.  That you are here for me.

Many people deny themselves love based on duty, guilt, and fear.  You are not alone in this mistake.  Some critics may say I’m a cheater, a jezebel, a bitch.  But I say I am righting a wrong.  The universe got out of balance for me eight years ago.  I was taking a plunge and free falling over a cliff and chose a safety net.  This doesn’t make me a bad person.  This I know to be the truth.  I am a shifting individual.  Eight years ago I was not a strong person and in my weakness I grasped on to the first life raft that came.  It has taken me eight years to let the raft go.  Had I been stronger I would have done it sooner.  I let myself be soothed and coddled, because that was easy.  When I grew tired of myself in this role I began to make subtle changes within my mind.

All the changes led me to you.  I call this fate, karma, Kismet or whatever word suits.  In you was a light that burned bright.  I believed that light was for me.  At first I was hesitant with you.  What was I doing?  But as we remained and kept up a relationship as friends first, I saw the beautiful you and your light as a gift.  You were interesting and fun.  You were diverse and deep.  You read books and could have conversations that were satisfying and fulfilled the intellect in me.  Then I learned about the other parts of you.  I saw your pain in your living. 

Love doesn’t come to us because we ask it too.  It comes shockingly or sneakily.  If you do not honor what has been presented you miss out on what life is gifting you.  And thus the gift of a loving life a feeling life.  You may always say to yourself, “I am safer where I am.  The stress where I am in life is familiar and I know of it.  New things scare me.”  I know these phrases.  I lived these phrases.   But those phrases did not give me happiness or love.  And the comfort of keeping things as they were did not make me peaceful and content.  It was a bad game I played with myself, one that I would never win.  So I made a choice to have choice.  To allow myself the gift life was presenting me.  I knew it would come with cracks, and mud slides, and fear.  But I told myself “All will be well.”  I believed in my power of choice and I believe in the gift.

It all comes down to this.  In the end it isn’t how many bids you made, or how much money came your way.  It isn’t about how often you did the right thing.  It isn’t about making other people happy.  It isn’t about looking good to other people.  It isn’t about making mistakes or being a martyr.

It is all about whose loving hand will be reaching for yours when you are dying. Who is the one person I need and love the most in my life and who’s hand I want holding mine in that most defining moment.

My hand is reaching for you.

K.