There is a flurry of activity taking place inside today. 

I see Chris remaking a woman’s hair color and contemplating how that parachute jump will make her feel and how she will describe it to her friends at church. 

Oh there is Bonnie at the far end of the room figuring out what cookies she will bake for the cookie exchange she has been invited to on Friday.  Bonnie is also laughing again over a joke her friend from work told her and figuring out when to hook up with Levta soon for drinks.

Who is that wearing yellow today?  Ah, it’s Carol.  She is re-telling a story about the bowling party she went to with Sue and what kind of prize money she made for the worst score!  Carol is throwing another big dinner this weekend and going shopping with her friend Gracie, because Christmas is coming faster then she figured or at least then she realized.  She is going to squeeze in that Bingo game with her new friend Esmee though.

Ah, now I see Diana she is pouring over a blueprint of her new kitchen.  She has high hopes for this new remodel, it is a sign that she and Frank are over the hump and on their way to a better life with money to do the things they haven’t been able to do for a long time.  She has many plans with her family and friends that include dinners and gatherings that are rich and full of love and vibrant.

Across the way I spot Dianne.  She and Mike have fallen on bad times.  He is without work right now.  She is buoyed by her close family ties with her daughter Wendy and son-in-law Mike.  The have an enriched life because they live close to one another….just across the street and have many things going on all the time.  Dianne helps with her granddaughter in 4H.  They share a love of horses.  Dianne hunts with her husband every year and they always seem to get their buck.

Also I see Traci and Annette planning their next big trip to Vegas.  They like to go every year and seem to have always, a great time!  They both smoke, this is a bonding experience I think.  They have known each other a very long time due to Traci being married to Annette’s brother.

I come every week to see through the glass that which I am not included in.

I come very week to see that life does stay busy for most and that there are friendships out there that sustain people. 

I come every week to see that family can be uplifting and rewarding and kind and loving toward each different member.

I come every week to be invited in.

And every week I remain on the fringe.

Maybe I just don’t quite fit in to each of these special person’s world and they sense it, know it, and I haven’t accepted that yet.  Why else would I not be invited in to participate in things I certainly would enjoy?

Perhaps I exude an aura I am not aware of that is putrid in looks or smell.

Life has taken a lonely turn with my face pressed up against the glass. 

Is this my own doing, yet again?

Have I still, one more lesson up my sleeve to learn.  I think I have many sleeves yet swirling and whipping out there in the breeze.

I feel again that I am not seen or at best just not thought of when it comes to cookie exchanges, shopping, parties and just plain old hanging out.

I have memories of grocery shopping being a plan with someone, and turning what could be a dreary chore into a social event, even though a small event.

Life has taken a lonely turn with my face pressed up against the glass.

Reality check.  Stop and check out the reality.  Have I yet not found my place in the world?  I may be looking in the wrong place again.  I am bewildered today and close to feeling drained by this constant battle against loneliness and boredom. 

I look forward to finding that epiphanic moment when it will all become clear and sense and balance will be part of my everyday existence.  Mayhap this is what happens when you are not living your truth.  For I have yet to do that.  I am not.

While I am not, I can not reveal what the truth is yet to anyone.  This is the perplexing problem……….this is my face pressed up against the glass?  Is this why people don’t let me truly in?  Am I so only half finished that when they think of outings and parties and gatherings, my name does not prevail itself?

Life has taken a perplexing turn with my face pressed up against the glass.  A half finished woman is not a very exciting dinner mate.

Every week I come to see life with my face pressed up against the glass.

I will have magnificently arrived when I step up to press my face against the glass, to see into a the world that shrugs at me, and my face slips through and the room turns to see the disturbance and realizes it’s me and the faces that have turned all smile at the same moment and welcome the rest of me in.

By Karla Yazzolino