By Romana 08/13/2014

IV. Transgender

Sociologists have always been classifying people into groups.  This seemed to intensify in the in the 1950’s, when almost anything out of the ordinary became subject to attack.  Gays and lesbians were perverted, and any kind of gender-bending was classified as a fetish. 

In the 1920’s, women forcibly commandeered men’s clothing to fashion their own kinds of pants and slacks.  This was quite shocking.  Women started making other demands on their road to equality.  I think this was an example how wearing clothing styled for men introduced women to their male-identity.  Women essentially earned the right to crossdress into clothing territory once only allowed for men.  Going the other way—men dressing in women’s clothing—was taboo.  Much of this taboo is still in effect, but it is eroding.  Still, the general consensus is that it is humiliating, degrading, and emasculating for men to dress as women.  In past years, it looked a lot like slapstick, but there are now salons that can make up men to resemble attractive women.

Many men can think up ingenious ways to access their feminine side.  A few do this through crossdressing, but they can literally go crazy, which can drive everyone else crazy.  Crossdressing can offer men an escape from a trap of excessive maleness.  Crossdressing among young boys has become common, and it has tripled among men in the last few years.  Wives can get angry at crossdressing husbands, accusing them of violating social contracts.  Crossdressing is not an average male hobby, because it can change the dynamics of a marriage.  For a lot of men, it can be like being in a candy store.  We don’t have social scripts for this kind of behavior.  A few men become so obsessed that they start talking irrationally about transitioning to become women.

Crossdressing husbands bring confusion to a marriage.  Some blame their wives for the conflict, but wives are fighting to maintain order.  Wives often hear the comment, “It’s nothing; I am still the same person.”  We have a gender-binary, so a husband is not supposed to be dressed as a woman while providing the masculine part of the marriage.  The frequency of crossdressing does not matter so much, because any crossdressing by men will skew the social order.  Some people focus of the crossdressing itself as the problem, but that is not true .  Crossdressing is a natural kind of exploration; men are actually very curious about women’s lives.

Major problems with crossdressing can arise if husbands do not treat their wives as equals with respect.  They may not even have explored who their wives are.  While I think all men have a female-identity, they do not know how to use it.  Gender transition is a lot of work.  A crossdressed husband needs to know how to function somewhat like a woman, rather than just being an outrageous pretty face.  Women tend to approach each other more as equals, and use good communication skills, but men may not.  A crossdressed husband facing his wife creates contradictions, if he does not know how to act in the situation.  Impersonating a woman is not a good idea, so he needs to learn how to ease into his own version of a woman.

A few women do not want to be involved their husbands crossdressing or transgender activities.  This is unfortunate and dangerous.   The couple really needs to see a therapist.  Somehow, a therapist or friends need to take the wife aside and explain to her that ignorance is not bliss in this case.

Women often view crossdressers as men who mock women.  It does not help that there are lots male ranting and deep voices when crossdressers get together.  When crossdressers stray too much from a feminine pattern, there can be looks of disapproval.  Crossdressers need to learn to work on their feminine skills, and to communicate somewhat like women, respect women, and to treat women as equals.  Otherwise, the crossdressing hobby will not earn any favors.  I don’t think men who crossdress or are transgender really need to seek as much approval from men; instead, they should work to gain acceptance from women.

A lot of crossdressers are actually transgender, so they will want to integrate their female-identity into their lives.  If married, they often think up schemes to do this, especially when they think wives get in the way.  If a wife asks why, a lot husbands say something like, “My friends are all doing it, and their wives are just fine with it.” Actually, other wives seldom think it is okay.  

In marriage to a transgender husband, a wife will constantly check what it means to their relationship.  She will want to be reassured that she is still loved.  Sharing becomes important, so a transgender husband must share this part of himself.  This means allowing the wife to be involved so she can learn about this side of her husband, and she must be given the opportunity to give advice.  I know this well, because when I did this for my wife, tensions really went down.

Some husbands think that only being transgender part-time is a kindness to a wife, but switching back and forth between a man and woman can create more problems.  Our culture does not allow for switching genders back and forth.  A husband who wants to experience life as a woman must learn the ropes.  Not all wives can handle this, but I think the majority can.

My wife allowed me switch gender, because I learned to treat her as an equal and talked to her.  I gave her the right to make comments and to ask any questions she wanted.  Treating my wife as an equal led to many unexpected outcomes in our life.  I am, still working on talking to and treating women as equals.  My search for a new woman partner depends on me living life as a transgender woman who is not a man in a dress.

I think a lot of urban myths are wrong.  I don’t believe anyone is ever trapped in the wrong body.  We only get one body.  Some gender-variant children want to pick the opposite gender shortly after birth, while others can wait for years.  Internet hype often claims that men will switch sexual orientation by dressing as women, but this is not true .  There is no mystery here, no special transgender state.

I want to talk next about the dark side of being transgender.  While transgenders often encounter prejudice, they are not innocent and can leave a trail of damage.  Transgender women need to learn to act somewhat like women, and not just pass visually.  Transgender husbands can bulldoze along, destroying home and family.  If wives are not given a say, the results are not pretty.  Too many husbands force a transition on their wives. This is because they fear wives are not smart enough to deal with the complexities of transition, or might block their husband’s gender-bending entirely.  Wives are a lot more compassionate and smarter than that.  Everyone suffers when a husband forces breast implants and gender-reassignment surgery (the creation of a vagina) into the marriage without permission.  Most wives would most certainly veto this, if they had the power.  We are entering into an age where a lot of gender-modifying surgeries are no longer required.  Transgender husbands should keep this in mind.  A transgender husband should view his wife as his treasured partner and a passport to an inclusive life. 

Transgender husbands who become self-centered, and trash their relationships, can end up living morbid lives with no relationships.

V. Conclusion

Gender is a part of our lives, so we need to learn to use; it can be enriching and enlightening.  Everyone has problems with gender.  The gender-binary is a product of a time when people did not understand their own nature.  It is an unfortunate cultural artifact.  It should not be viewed as men oppressing women, or anyone being victims.  The gender-binary is maintained by word-of-mouth, by social and peer pressures, by urban legend, fear, and unrighteous dominion.  If all the hundreds of rules were to be put in a handbook, there would surely be protests.

There is an almost equal number of male crossdressers and female crossdressers.  The same is true for transgenders.  Gender transition is usually a way to deal with major problems in life, not a stunt or a perverse act.  Wives and other women should understand that men who crossdress or are transgender have usually kept such thoughts well-guarded in their psyches for years.  Not all such men will even have inkling, until goaded into crossdressing on Halloween, crossdressing parties at women’s social clubs, or even as an entry in a womanless beauty pageant for charity.  Men really need tacit permission to discuss who they think they are.

  When certain people really have problems fitting gender standards, others should not respond with fear and resentment.  Wives should not go ballistic when they learn that their husbands like to crossdress or are transgender.  It is wiser to get a counselor, than a lawyer.  Crossdressers and transgenders should not be angry at straight people. In turn, straight people need to understand that they are also part of a gender spectrum, so they are no quite so straight after all.

I think women actually have a lot of power; however, they can lose too much of it if they marry the wrong man.  If women were to pick husbands based on compatible personalities and relationship skills, instead of cultural images, the world might change dramatically.  Women might wonder if there is a way to tell if a man they meet is hiding crossdressing or transgender tendencies, but there is no way to know at a first meet up.

I also want to make it clear that I am not urging men to dress as women, or women as men.  Gender-bending is usually unexpected, can arise in a variety of situations, and might affect almost anyone.  I also do not want to discriminate against other transgenders.  I would like wives and other women to be treated fairly.  I am okay with transgender husbands getting any cosmetic enhancements that they can negotiate.  If a wife says no, but a husband wants to go farther, he should seek a peaceful divorce, rather than forcing his wife to stay with him.