By Romana 07/21/2015

Is the Romana Principle like the Dilbert Principle?  The Dilbert Principle¹ is about promoting the least competent people to keep them out of trouble. I guess this was like putting McDonnell Douglas managers in charge after the merger with Boeing, where I worked.  Prior to that time, I never heard profanity used much in group meetings.  To me, profanity implied less competence. 

I tried to bring my own take on something new for the company: gender-bending.  This is where the Romana Principle was born.  Oops, I did not get a kind reaction.  While the company manual clearly stated that there was no dress code, HR informed me that this ambiguity did not give me permission to dress as a woman at work.  They did relent a little.  I was allowed to be Romana on Halloween and on my own time on company premises, so long as I stayed out of women’s restrooms.  The old Boeing culture did not like the Romana Principle, and the added McDonnell Douglas culture certainly did not.   However, due to a conflict with King County regulations, and due to the actions of a Woman Vice President, proper gender expression became allowed starting in June 2005, after I had retired.

When I started crossdressing, I suddenly felt able to overcome the limitations I suspected I had, but did not understand.  I wanted to share my new-found personality with everyone.  This was logical, but patently illogical at the same time.  This principle was that I could be myself without fear of embarrassment or humiliation.  But, I had to be completely out at the same time, or I would never have the guts to do it.  Sneaking around in the dark was no longer my style, as had previously been the case for me.

My desire to explore my feminine side had started about age eleven for me.  Having Asperger’s syndrome meant that I was totally clueless how the social gender caste system worked.  While most Asperger boys did not want to crossdress, I certainly did.  I did catch on that such an idea was not allowed, and would be followed by a lot of scolding, yelling, embarrassment, and humiliation.  Fear of embarrassment was to mark my life for decades to come.  Fear of embarrassment seems typical for Asperger kids, because they don’t understand boundaries well.   When they get scolded, they have trouble figuring out cause and effect.

I survived school, college, and then enlistment in the Air Force.  During this time I finally became interested in girls, but I did not know what to do after introductions.  I spent seven years in Lompoc, California, trying to find purpose in life.  I sensed it had a lot to do with getting a life partner.  I decide to go to work for Boeing in 1977.  My first job was a ghastly overcrowded open bay, so I got transferred to another department.  This incident was embarrassing to me.  Didn’t I know how to behave in the workplace?

Out of desperation, I went on the radio program for the lovelorn, the Loveline.  I did it three times, and each time I was overwhelmed by shyness, hyperventilation, and embarrassment.  On the third try, I met Carolyn, and that became history.  My lesson here was if I wanted something badly, I would have to take risks.  I had no inkling at the time where risk-taking would lead.  When I was a kid, I was sternly told that sex was for married people only.  I did not know what they were talking about then.  So, risk taking led to my first sexual experience, and we were not married.  I shed more than a little of my fear of embarrassment that day.

Though I adjusted slowly to marriage, I gained courage to explore my true nature.  As a culmination to my new ability to take risks, after nine years of marriage, I decided to try crossdressing.  In 1989, this was about the greatest risk any man could undertake.  I was left breathless.  My whole psyche was about to go through a wringer.  I planned for months, while my wife questioned whether it was something I was capable of doing.  I bought women’s clothing and accessories.  My trial run, my first crossdressing practice experience in the safety of my house, seemed euphoric.  Halloween arrived, and I calmly drove to work to face that historic day.

I got praised; what a relief.  Most of all, at least 95% of my fear of embarrassment and humiliation permanently evaporated.  I finally got to dress as a woman!  I realized I had not changed much at all, except the way others judged me really changed, but I thought could handle it.  Yet, when I asked myself what was next, there was no answer.  When I tried to crossdress on St. Patrick’s Day, I got a really mixed reaction.

At this time, there was no Internet, and no body of knowledge to scour for answers.  Carolyn constantly questioned why I was doing this, since I would not discuss it, and since I would not take any of her advice.  Worse, I still found many women’s styles humiliating and would not try them.  Unguided experimentation ensued.   Carolyn and I got a therapist, I joined a crossdressing club, and we went to transgender conferences.  In 2000, Romana became part of the household, when we moved into our new Auburn house.  I went full-time in 2005, but I still could not explain what I was doing.  Our life fell apart due to my wife’s declining health, which led to her death in 2010.  I was destitute.  Finally, I had to come to grips with what I was really all about.

In retrospect, my whole previous life seemed so silly and purposeless.  I had done all sorts of crazy things and embarked on journeys to nowhere.  The whole process had left me angry and frustrated.  Had I not gone back to my Buddhist practice, I might still be stuck in such a dismal state.  I came to live by the Romana Principle, and I am still doing it.

Here are the features of my principle:

1. All trials in life are ultimately useful.  As troubling, painful, and inconvenient as they were, they were my all steps on one’s path to enlightenment.

2. Parents and relatives meant well, but they often did not understand how to help their children.  Parents can have plenty of unresolved issues in their lives.  It is a mistake to assume kids start off life broken. 

3. The desire to live an authentic life can allow a person to become whole.  Accepting a more authentic identity will work better and will change one’s life.

4. No one should feel embarrassed for bending-gender or straying from a gender box; it is something many of us have to do when life situations require it.  There is no need to feel embarrassed.  Embarrassment should be saved for activities that hurt us and other people. 

5.  Alternate gender identities can work just fine.  Being secretive or fearful will sabotage one’s true nature.  Clothing is important for one’s self-image; clothing should not take on the attribute of sex or gender. 

6. The final part of the principle is that one can relax.  If one is not self-conscious or embarrassed, they will be unlikely to attract any stares.   This is a lot like the Mission Impossible on television series, where the simple presence of correct body language got the characters into restricted areas.  Never be nervous, and one’s body language should always say one is being who they are, no matter how they are dressed. 

 These parts of the principle are not academic.  A characteristic I never noticed growing up is that I have to try everything out.  I still do.  I have turned an obsession into creative costuming, which is certainly far beyond what most Asperger people ever dream of doing.  In 2013, I had this dream I could dress as an opera diva.  My specific heroine was Violetta, from Verdi’s La Traviata.  Could I wear a bridesmaid’s dress, like in the Willy Dekker production?  Okay, I had to wear it on the ferry to Bainbridge Island.  No sweat; I attracted no undue attention.  I wore it in the Esprit Conference fashion show in Port Angeles.  I did a skit on stage at the Port Angeles Elks Club as Violetta. That worked. 

Appendix

1. The Dilbert Principle

 The Dilbert Principle is about the concept that in many cases the least competent, least smart people are promoted, simply because they’re the ones you don't want doing actual work. You want them ordering the doughnuts and yelling at people for not doing their assignments—you know, the easy work. Your heart surgeons and your computer programmers—your smart people—aren’t in management. That principle was literally happening everywhere.