WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
There is no definition that can actually exhaust the concepts of marriage. The understanding of marriage is an ongoing one. The meaning of marriages in a transition from one generation to the other is often encountered with the problem of differences in ideas. Marriage in itself is broader than the surface understanding; this is why it is often misunderstood and suffers a lot of challenges. In my own conception marriage could be seen as a vocation of love which opposite partners freely and consciously undertake in order to enjoy an intimate relationship between each other made visible by the procreation of a new life. In other words it is a union of a man and a woman under the umbrella of love, which aims at procreation.
Marriage in its sacramental structure is a physical manifestation of God’s love for man which led to creation. In this perspective of sacramentality the code of canon Law 1012 puts it; “Christ our Lord elevated the matrimonial contract between two baptized persons to the dignity of a sacrament”. In view of the above analysis every marriage is understood from a particular perspective.
Nevertheless, marriage could be seen as both communitarian and individual responsibility. As communitarian it is not a decision of the couple alone, it is a decision approved by the community that sees marriage as the fundamental units that generates a family, which is the fundamental unity of the community. However, these two perspectives of marriage; the communitarian and individualistic could be seen in the course of the project.
THE CATHOLIC TEACHINGS ON MARRIAGE
The Christian marriage is a representation of the love that exists between Christ and the church (Eph 5:32). Hence the Vatican II council encourages that the Christian marriage should recognize the greater excellence of virginity consecrated to Christ so as to offer body and soul completely to God (Decree on the Training of Priests N.9).
Furthermore, the catechism of the Catholic Church 1601 defines marriage as an establishment geared towards a whole life partnership ordered towards the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring. In this analysis one discovers the two significant elements of a Christian marriage. These include the good of the partners involved in the marriage. This involves the experience of the fullness of love; a reflection of the love Christ has for the whole world. Secondly, one sees the procreation of children as the fruit of this love. In view of these analyses, Christian marriage can be defined as an establishment of partnership between a man and a woman in conformity with love of Christ, exhibited to the church for the purpose of the procreation of children if God wills and for the education of the offspring.
THE NATURE OF THE COMMITMENT
Marriage is a contract which binds a man and a woman together throughout their life time until the death of either of the partners. Marriage is not friendship neither is marriage cohabitation. It is rather a sharing of oneness between two people who are united by the sacrament of matrimony through this either of the partners becomes a self donation to the other thereby edifying the existence of each other.
In this type of union either partner is well integrated into the life of the other thereby bringing to the completion the being of each other which is well realized in the union between the couple. Partners to marriage must be fully aware of the nature of their commitment; this is because it is a sensitive institution. Hence the canon states;
For matrimonial consent to exist, it is necessary that the contracting parties be at least not ignorant of the fact that marriage is a permanent partnership between a man and a woman, ordered to the procreation of children through some form of sexual cooperation (Canon 1096).
In order to uphold the dignity of marriage partners intending to enter marriage contract must be well enlightened on the implication of marriage. The canon law clearly states that; a man cannot validly enter marriage before the completion of his sixteenth year of age, nor a woman before the completion of her fourteenth year (Canon 1083). This implies that marriage is a contract between two matured people who freely enter this contract without the compulsion of a third party. In view of the importance attached to this institution of marriage a thorough investigation is necessary by the church before approving the marriage of a couple. This investigation is achieved through marriage banns. A person bound by the bond of a previous marriage, even if not consummated invalidly attempts marriage (Canon 1085).
EXPECTATIONS OF MARRIAGE
COMPANIONSHIP IN LOVE: THE BASIS FOR CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE.
Marriage is primarily a loving and trusting relationship between a man and a woman who are also friends and companions. Christian marriage is that which must be lived in love and companionship. The real test of love comes when we are called to respond to the needs of the one we love. This type of love ought to be demonstrated in times of illness, and in time when care and attentions are needed. In love couple shares their being with each other. In this sharing of being each of the partners becomes a gift to the other. This gift is not an ordinary gift, it is a gift that must be appreciated and valued as a means of complementary of the being of the other. Christian marriage is a vocation to this companionship which couple forms with love as its primary foundation.
Man needs a woman in order to release and satisfy himself, even though he may also feel the impulse of love, strong or weak, genuine or imaginary. In like manner, the woman needs the man in order to awaken to herself to the fullness of her feminine self awareness. St Augustine calls the union of husband and wife in paradise a solid society founded on true love. This is a natural society of the different sexes, Arazu (1994).
2. PROCREATION THE GOAL OF MARRIAGE
A marriage is consummated at the birth of a child. The fruit womb blesses and strengthens the bond of a marriage. This implies that the prayer of every couple is the blessing of the fruit of womb. Procreation is thus a question not limited to individual survival but extended to the sustenance of the entire community. It therefore implies that extended family is assured by the marriage of its members a continuity of life, not any kind of marriage, but by the one, which bears fruit. Infertile couples for African mind are dead persons and as useless as dead wood.
Marriage is an ongoing process in Igbo land. For marriage to be completed it must be blessed with the fruit of the womb of both sexes. Male children are pride to their fathers because they stand as the possible heirs to their fathers and represent their fathers in community gathering. On the other hand, the female offspring are flowers around their mothers. They assist their mothers in domestic works and provide resting places for their mothers when they get old, Benezet (1998:108).
3. TOWARDS ACHIEVING ONENESS.
Christian marriage involves a life partnership of a man and a woman, who come together to share their beings together with the goal of the fruit of the womb. The Christian marriage brings men and women out of their isolation and alone-ness, so that they can complete or complement one another in a relationship of love. The unity which this marriage brings about is a mystery which defies the basic laws of Mathematics. In a simple equation one and one become two, but in this marriage one man and one woman develop a unity or oneness which results in two richer, deeper persons.
In the Christian perspective of marriage when a man and a woman give themselves in marriage Christ comes to dwell in their unity. The love which couple shares is the basis of Christian marriage and that is the principle behind its sustenance. This marriage is founded on the Genesis account: God created man and woman in his own image. Man and woman are assigned an equal status by God at creation. In this relationship, sex is given a clearly defined role. This union which is experienced by these partners is the priority of Christian marriage and from this love emerges the fruit of the womb.
TEMPERAMENTAL STUDY IN MARRIAGE
Since marriage is a lifelong contract, there is great need for partners to understand themselves and also help in the growth and development of each other psychologically and socially. Each of the partners is a being for the other. Hence in order to achieve this each of the partners must assimilate the personality of the other. In view of this temperamental study must be taken seriously in order to establish a perfect companionship. We must bear in mind that marriage is not cohabitation but a life lived in self donation to the other.
In the field of psychology, humanity is divided into three. These include; Melancholic, sanguine and choleric.
Melancholic- These are group of people who appear pensively sad, they are difficult to be impressed, quiet in appearance, tending to feel a thoughtful or gentle sadness. In relating with people like this, carefulness should be observed in order not to hurt them psychologically, since they could be difficult in forgiveness. They hardly make friends but once friendship is established they maintain a prolong friendship.
However, melancholic could be good in meditation and spiritual exercises. They believe more in the power of the mind reflect more and talk less.
Sanguine- these are the group of people that bring life to the community, they keep the community moving in their cheerfulness and optimism. They can easily make friends but could easily breakup a relationship. They believe in the power of speech and allow their feelings to be exposed and thus do not keep malice.
Choleric- these are people that are bad tempered, showing or tending to show anger or irritation. They can easily fight but within a short time ask for forgiveness, since they act emotionally. They can easily begin a project but may not complete it. They are filled with ideas and spontaneously in actualizing these ideas but most often leave their works uncompleted.
Marriage therefore is an invitation to mingle with an individual who might be different from ones personality and therefore unite to become one irrespective of different social backgrounds and disciplines in life.
SEXUALITY STUDY IN MARRIAGE
Sexuality is the study of the behavioral processes pertaining to the different sexes which often influenced by sexual constitutions of the different sexes. This sexual constitution could affect behavior, emotion, strength and attitude to things.
BEHAVIOUR: Most often women need attention, they want to be supported, and they want to be cared and listened to. A woman needs a man by herself to boost her ego and to maintain her stand in the society. She needs a man to communicate with and share her inner life with, and a man who would wipe her tears while crying. She plays the role of a mother in any relationship extending her motherhood to her husband. She studies the facial expression of her husband and more competent in interpreting facial expressions.
Men are proud in nature and would always love to maintain their leadership position. A man by nature would like to protect his wife and provide her necessities. He becomes grieved if he is incompetent to provide this even if he had an understanding wife. Men are more competent in tackling technical problems in the family and approach issues more logically. This is the obvious reason why men are difficult to be convinced or converted in the religious point of view. However when a man is convinced he establishes a more solid position and protect that which he accepts base on conviction.
EMOTION: Women are more emotional. They express their emotions most often by crying, complaints, seeking attentions and hostility. This emotion could also be clearly seen in their love relationship and care which is conspicuous in their motherly role. Women are often more attracted by fascinating and more illuminating colors.
On the other hand men are more proud and most often see the expression of their emotion as weakness. They hide their feelings and more competent in tackling challenging situations. They are less sensitive to emotional stimulation or occasions that attract sympathy.
SEX: Men are often initiators of sex but most often are easily satisfied. They are stimulated by a hormone called testosterone which helps in the production of sperm. Men most often initiates sex and may not be able to support the sex with love.
Women are controlled by a hormone called estrogen and progesterone. They are attracted to sex through love. They enjoy sex which is characterized by love and need more time than men to enjoy sexual relationship. At ovulation a woman is more sexually aroused. The ovulation period is the fertile period of every woman.
WAYS OF SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIP IN MARRIAGE
1. COMMUNICATION: A WAY OF IMPROVING MARRIAGE
Communication is an essential factor in marriage. Communication is a means, through which the identity of a partner is revealed to the other, this is usually through conveying inner needs to each other and re-assessing the mutual understanding of each other. In communication the wound of the past is unraveled and through this, healing is achieved. When communication becomes deficient the identity of spouses becomes hidden and this creates tension and impedes the flow of love intrinsic to Christian marriage.
Emotional communication holds a central place in the relationship of the spouses. The couple needs to feel recognized, wanted and appreciated at other times than when they are having sexual intercourse. This caring revolves round acknowledgement, which is expressed in appropriate communication. There are plenty of everyday activities, which need caring communication. Couples may have different rhythms of activity and rest and so times of going to bed and rising may need adjustment. Some want a really warm bed and other find heat unbearable. The times meal are taken and the type of food may clash. Above all, the time spent together and the time each needs for themselves has to be structured. All these arrangements are being expressed in communication.
2. SELFLESSNESS: KEY TOWARDS UNDERSTANDING THE OTHER
Marriage was an intention of God; to be a beautiful relationship and to be a great fulfillment for men and women. In marriage, God wishes a perfect union and affection, edification, satisfaction and fulfillment between a man and a woman. In the midst of selfishness, this divine plan for marriage will not be fruitful and it only becomes an utopia. There is no room in marriage for selfishness. Instead every marriage should be dominated by selflessness in order for the ideal of marriage to be materialized. Hence selflessness needs to be the cornerstone of marriage.
No wonder Apostle Paul gave us Philip 2:3, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind, let each esteem other better than themselves”. This verse ought to be hanging in every home and we should constantly remind ourselves of this directive of the Apostle Paul, for if everyone in every marriage follows these directions, then we would have heaven on earth. Marriage involves a constant sacrifice of constant readiness to accepting the other the way he or she is and to influence the other positively, when need arises, without the destruction of the personality of the other. However, in every successful marriage, there ought to be three components of selflessness. They all begin with “M” for Maturity, Magnanimity, and Malleability.
3. PATIENCE: KEY TO SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
One should try to understand his partner as best as he or she can. Hence, one should be ready to draw oneself in place of one’s partner for a better assimilation of the other. Drawing oneself close to another, means relating to the other partner; both intellectually and emotionally with greater and deeper expression of love. The attainment of this intimacy becomes impossible without patience, as patience is the facilitator to this social movement to the other.
As one comes closer to one’s partner with the power of patience, one’s perspective towards his partner begins to change and the positive side of one’s partner begins to glitter. One begins to see his or her partner in a more favorable light and even to recognize that apparent blemishes he or she had observed in one’s partner are actually reflections of identical, though less apparent, blemishes in himself. With patience careful planning is achieved, hardwork is encouraged and dedication becomes visible, in service to each other in marriage.
Marriage involves the relationship of two, who become one under the imperative of the Christian marriage. The union of these two, with different temperaments, is often difficult, without the power of patience. The interaction of two or more people is often encountered with anger, intolerance, aggressiveness, depression and despondency. Patience is the antidote to anger. With regard to others in general and one’s spouse in particular one must strive to assume the divine attribute of “infinite Patience”.
Infinite Patience is the consciousness, the infinite broad “space” of mind which fosters one’s ability to wait for conflict to resolve itself, to suspend judgment to continuously check and control one’s innate tendency to relate to others impulsively. Patience is the key to avoiding damage, one inflicts upon oneself and others when unable to control the responses of his “first nature” to life situation.
Man in a state of nature is self inclined according to Thomas Hobbes (1473-1543). In this state of nature, people are capable of hurting their neighbors’ and taking what they need for their own protection. Differences in strength can lead to terrorism; the strong can destroy the weak, Stumpf (1994). Patience is the virtue that challenges man in his natural state. Hence through patience, spouses begin to consider the needs of their partners and begin the business of self donation. With patience one understands the weakness and strength of the other and considering them as variables of life, which aids in perfect complementarities of life.
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT IN MARRIAGE
Conflict is that which is inevitable in any marriage. But resolution is that, which is only possible through maturity of the mind. For every conflict there is a great expectation for a resolution, this is a product of love and selflessness. Disagreement can be a very healthy vehicle to promote expansiveness of vision and personal growth. The real secret to a good and lasting marriage is not lack of conflict, but how conflict is resolved. In order to achieve resolutions in conflicts that emanate among spouses, they should learn not to generalize and should face the immediate problem as an isolated problem. Hence, when disagreeing, words like; “you always do that” should be avoided. Such broad sweeping generalization could be very damaging. No one is always wrong. No one always behaves negatively, and it obscures the issue at hand putting the accused party on the defensive.
Moreover, just as with our children we want to avoid the destructive use of labels, so we do in marriage as well. And just as with our children, we want to bolster self esteem with a lot of praises before alluding to a potential area for improvement, so couples do with their marriage partners also. We would not attack our children over a mistake they made, so also should spouses show respect to each other.
Spouses should learn to use a gentle tone of voice. This is the voice that shows care, love and self surrendering to each other. I think the whole world would change for the better, if everyone would learn how to speak softly. Your spouse, your children, your friends and colleagues, even animals, respond much more positively to a request or complaint expressed in a soft and gentle manner. You could say the same thing loudly with much less effects and frequently, create a hostile atmosphere. Speak pleasantly and softly when you admonish your spouse, it is an expression of love.
A calm gentle approach protects the ego of the person and allows him or her to hear the rebuke more objectively. We, sometimes feel that in order to be heard we need to be loud, maybe we need to yell and scream. This is a common mistake and a dangerous virus to marriage. If you speak calmly, there is a much lesser chance of your discussion deteriorating into a brawl. Even if your spouse is a screamer, your gentle tones will stop him in his tracks and force him to calm down too, and it is a great example to set for your children.
SPIRITUALITY IN MARRIAGE
1. PRAYER: Prayer is the foundation of all marriage since it is a communication with God. Just as the blood is important to individuals, prayer life is important to any marriage. The cessation of prayer in any community leads to the collapse of the community. Since we maintain a continuous relationship with God which is kept fresh and made to yield abundant faith, therefore, without prayer in the married life, the bond begins to lose its strength and affection between the couple begins to decline and hatred gradually encroaches which could lead to the collapse of the marriage.
Jesus ministry was sustained in prayer and he reserved time for prayer Mt 14:23. After he had sent the multitudes away he went up into the mountain and prayed. Prayer life when strengthened in the community helps individuals to overcome temptations. In Mt 26: 41 Jesus said; “watch and pray that you do not enter into temptation”. In prayer the married partners keep vigil for the kingdom of God, for no one knows when he shall come, but the devil is in continuous battle Mk 13: 33.
2. SELF EXAMINATION TO ASSESS OUR MARRIED LIFE: Constant examination is required in the relationship between a man and a wife. In this examination either partner assesses his or her relationship with the other. This could be assess in the following ways;
I. How have I sacrificed my life for the good of my partner?
II. To what extent have I invited God to bless our relationship?
III. Am I really a faithful partner in this relationship?
IV. Am I caring wife or husband in playing my role?
V. Have I succeeded in leading my partner to Christ?
VI. Do I allow my personal interest to destroy our marriage?
CARE OF THE CHILDREN A COLLABORATIVE RESPONSIBILITY
Marriage unites the couple as a principle for handing on human life, and they should procreate responsibly. Since a human person's life is complex, children grow and develop over many years. Thus, the responsibilities of parents are similarly complex and prolonged, though it may be said, in general terms, that they should raise their children to be good persons, good citizens, and good Christians. It is important to treat children fairly, and to exercise parental authority within its limits. Parents have special responsibilities for their children's religious formation and should see to it that Christian principles shape all other aspects of their upbringing. Husband and wife must be united in the raising of the children and must always see this task as a collaborative responsibility.
Catholic parents should consider means in the light of faith and pay careful attention to every aspect of their moral impact: "Children must grow up with a correct attitude of freedom with regard to material goods, by adopting a simple and austere life style and being fully convinced that 'man is more precious for what he is than for what he has' (GS 35)."
EXTENDED FAMILY INFLUENCE IN MARRIAGE
Marriage among the African people is communitarian, thus it is the responsibility of kin groups. The importance and role of the family in the traditional Igbo society cannot be overemphasized. The family remains the nucleus of the society and everything tends to revolve around the family. For this very reason the family is considered sacred in this society. This means that the hierarchical structure of the family has to be religiously preserved. In view of the significance attached to the family ties and kinship in African Traditional society, Kinship affiliation becomes a factor which plays a prominent role in the African marriage.
Marriage among the African people is the alliance between two kin groups. It follows that marriage is not so much the affair of two individuals; it is mainly the concern of the groups in which the marriage partners belong. The family is a source of one’s pride and honor; hence there is a strong recommendation for one to be affiliated to his family for full recognition in the society. To uproot one from one’s family or to find oneself foreign to one’s family is viewed as a serious misfortune. Among the African people it is appropriate for the father to choose the daughter’s husband and also the woman the man wants to marry should be the one the extended family approves Moore (1968).
Hence Christian couples should be aware of this African culture and try not neglect the extended family in marriage. They should allow their love for Christ and for each to be reflected in the love they show to their kins.
CONCLUSION
Christian marriage is a vocation. This is because marriage is instituted by God and has a plan for humanity, which is to fill the earth and responsibility to nurture children following his lay down precepts, and thereby increasing morality in the world. The acceptance of marriage is an agreement to respond to this divine responsibility positively, thereby renewing the face of the earth.
The Christian marriage is not a contradiction to the traditional marriage. The fact remains that no culture is perfect; it is in comparison that a better society is built. As Christian marriage projects its virtue of steadfastness, love and sacrifice, the traditional marriage projects its virtue of communal solidarity. It is in mingling of these ideological differences that a perfect and sustainable marriage is achieved.
The marital life is fortified when couple realizes that the union, in which they are involved, is divinely instituted. The recognition of this divine authorship of marriage should influence couple in their relationship with one another, in achieving a sustainable marriage, transparent in its expression of love. Marital partners should acknowledge that they are gifts to each other and therefore be ready to be opened to each other.
Love must be demonstrated in marriage, practically through the couple sharing of ideas, communication and readiness to die for each other. The real marital life begins, when couple begins to understand that each other exist for the good of the other and cannot be complete without the collaboration of the other partner. Couple should be disposed to thank each other for their mutual presence. They can say with or without words, thank you for being here, I am grateful for your presence yesterday and today, Dominian (1981). Below are recommendations for a successful marriage.