I used to be fat, I still am, but I used to too. and just like how you are now trying to make necessary changes in you, which is apparently a laudable thing now, I too once did it all myself.

I scoured the internet and read through all the diet techniques, all the ways you could hope to lose weight without putting in actual physical efforts by which I of course mean –

-        All those special training equipments that do all the work for you.

-        All those herbal teas with their ashwagandhas, ginsengs, beet root extracts etc which melts fat away. Whatever that means.

-        All those supplements that burn fat through metabolism while you play video games.

-        And all those scientific ways by which you can lose fat without moving an inch.

They are all basically bullshit.

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Well, it’s like some of them are like 97 % useless while others are just plain lies.

Eventually these all culminate down to stop harassing your body even more, so you do not do additional damage.

Like if you get a nasty ass cut and you put some anti-septic on that, then the anti-septic would make it sure that you don’t get infection and stuff.

But the main thing that’s gonna mend your cut is your own body, your blood clots, your scabs, your white blood cells – all those things.

All that anti-septic did, was allow your body to a proper work environment.

So, let me take you through the rabbit hole of all the weight loss tips, ways and help of the internet and show you what really is going to matter and what is just plain retarded.

The Problem of Obesity in USA and how it starts

There are like 79 million fat warthogs trying to walk around in America alone according to the last time scientists tried to count these people. Like 35% of USA is fat. Jesus.

And I don’t mean oh it’s just a double chin, he/she is pretty active despite – NO! What I mean is they FAT, dawg!

F-A-T = FAT!

They deadass fat from top to bottom!

I isn’t like these people have a belly hanging out or something, I mean they can’t wipe their assholes without struggling a bit (or a lot) with their torso first. That is the kind of obesity we are talking about here.

And the kids, they are getting obese too, everyone is terrifyingly getting fatter and fatter and no one wants to eat a goddamn apple and run down a few blocks.

So, let’s break down about all the simple things related with obesity so me, you and all the fatties can understand what to do in order to not be fat and unholy looking.

This isn’t what mankind is supposed to look like people!

This isn’t how the good lord imagined all of us in his eyes!

Munching and spreading yourself into the fourth dimension, goddamn!

You gain weight when the math of your body gets struck hard, if the calories eaten by you is bigger in number than the calories you burn, you’ll become fat, theoretically.

But that is not the only reason, there could be others too. Reasons far beyond your control. Let’s look at those…

Why do people become obese?

Laziness!

Laziness brought on by the comforts of modern lifestyle, so everyone is busy either gaming or complaining about trivial shit on the internet.

Also, the crippling economy, the harsher markets and faulty government policies which get magically blind every time the need of the society yearns for some help – all thanks to the rich elite who control the government for their own profits.

But that is a story for some other article.

All that environment has screwed everyone, young people specially, out of their passion and dreams.

So binging Netflix after a pathetic, meagre shift from some fast-food joint has made people unmotivated and lazy. Being lazy is the single biggest reason why people get fat. Although there are some other factors too like –

1.      Stress

When people are stressed, most of them cope with it by stuffing unnecessary calories down their throat. It is something which makes their stressed-out asses occupied with something pleasant like eating sugary goods and ice creams.

2.      Phone Screen/ TV/Inactivity

If you are giving most of your attention and time to TV or your phone then by the law of obviousness you will get inactive. And this quarantine has showed us all how inactivity can turn even the best of athletes into human hippos.

3.      Sleeplessness –

Lack of a good night’s sleep makes you stressed from the inside, this decreases leptin and increases cortisol and ghrelin, which makes you eat unnecessarily and store energy, that was supposed to burn down, as fat.

4.      Genes –

If yo mama fat, then you fat!

Most probably, science concludes.

5.      Due to some undetected disease –

You could have a disease that hasn’t shown itself yet to you but is turning you into a land whale slowly, like Cushing’s syndrome, or thyroid problems.

6.      Diabetes Treatment –

People who have diabetes tend to eat more to prevent low blood sugar levels which can increase obesity, also, taking insulin helps in increasing weight.

7.      Ageism –

When people get old, they lose muscle mass gradually which means fewer calories get burned during metabolism and you unintentionally put on weight.

There are other reasons too some are obvious like shitty food and lifestyle choices, complications from some medicines, pregnancy can inadvertently make you obese too etc.

How to know if there is a disease or any other factor save for laziness for my man titties –

There is a thing called BMI (Body Mass Index), there are sites that appear when you google “what is my BMI?”, jump into one, write in the details and see for yourself if your weight range is in normal, overweight or in obese category.

If it is in OW category you should see a doctor to sort out some plan about getting slimmer but if you are in obese category, run to your nearest medical centre and kidnap a doctor to somewhere secluded and stay there with him/her, till you are back in the normal BMI range, any doctor will do, you’ll thank me later if you value your life.

If you don’t then go ahead and start a Fat Emo subreddit, if you care enough.

Only when you see a doctor about your obesity, the universe will be able to show you signs that maybe some disease is the cause for your obesity through lab tests and physicals.

That is the only way signs work in reality and not like what you read in The Alchemist, great read btw.

And hurry up because if you don’t…

Complications arising from Obesity are malicious burns from fates –

Ok, first, I am not trying to be an ass here with this point, just trying to tell you that high chances of horrible things wait for you if you are not in normal range of the BMI. Complications like –

·        Heart Diseases and/or strokes – obesity will get you high blood pressure and abysmal levels of cholesterol sooner or later which are grounds for stroke and heart problems.

·        Certain kinds of Cancers – it is noted that obesity can increase the risk of catching cancers of cervix, pancreas, prostate, kidney, breast, colon and a few more. Let’s leave it here.

·        Type 2 Diabetes – obesity has somewhat large amount of affect upon the insulin within you that could get you type 2 diabetes.

·        Sleep Apnea – you stand a chance to get sleep apnea, which means you’ll abruptly stop/start breathing in your sleep.

·        Osteoarthritis – obesity harshly promotes inflammation within you and puts a lot of weight on your joints, this can cause osteoarthritis.

·        Digestive Problems – heartburns, acidity, liver issues and gallbladder diseases are a pain in the ass and you can get them with obesity within you.

There are like a few more issues, like if you get COVID-19 then your symptoms can get severe, more hostile than a person who also caught Covid-19 but wasn’t fat to begin with.

Man! What to do then?

No matter how much of a threat you could impose on orcas if they ever came face to face with you due to the sheer size of your weight and mass, start slowly but steadily.

What you’ll need to do is basically a mix of two things, start eating proper and exercise regularly.

Let’s have not that detailed look at these two things and a few tips from science and yours truly –

Eating Properly –

Here is what you need to start deciding first for yourself…

Read it slowly and carefully – Do not eat/drink anything that comes inside a packaging.

You thought doing push ups was going to be the hardest thing in all of this? Well, you were wrong, if you thought that.

Sugars and starch are especially bad when they are refined, like with whatever sweet, baked, fried things you can get at shops. Also, don’t spend too much on fancy high fibre, complex carb food products either.

Just eat normal kitchen food products (whatever your mum is good at) that can include carbs (50% of a meal) but also make sure that you eat enough protein (30% of a meal), enough fat (20% of a meal), a few vegetables and that is it.

Eat whatever that your mom makes, in a balanced portion, and refrain yourself from eating anything processed by machinery.

You don’t need any fancy diet, you don’t need to cut back on carbs, fats or something, you do not need to do anything special.

Just eat your home cooked meals with a balanced ratio of everything mentioned three lines above, and stay away from packaged goods.

And now, the exercise thing –

There is a huge difference between weight loss and fat loss. Weight loss is when you lose weight through muscles, fat and water weight. And fat loss means when you lose weight through fat stores inside you. Long story short, focus on fat loss exercises.

You do not need to arrive, assess and conquer whatever workout the internet guides you to in the name of getting shredded. Stay away from that thinking. Instead focus on simple cardio activities like brisk walking, running in moderate speed, cycling in moderate speed or swimming.

Choose any one of those activities and do at least thirty minutes of that for five days every week. You can do it all at once or in 3 parts of 10 minutes for each day but try to do that for at least 30 minutes on moderate speed.

And that is it.

Leave all the core exercises, interval exercises, Pilates, yoga and weight resistance exercises for later when your body would develop some capacity to handle those, then you can add push ups, squats, plank, burpees whatever you think is better for you.

And again, this is all there is to it.

Note that a pound of fat is made of 3,500 calories. You need to burn 500 calories per day to lose 1 pound per week. But if you are losing 1 to 2 pounds per month, that is a great speed too. Kudos.

And now, those things that are 97% useless –

These are the genius tips everyone, even science people throw around on the internet, and these things do work just like the anti-septic creams I mentioned way early in this article.

Btw, all these are just for the support of the two big things we have already discussed. Proper eating and exercise.

Anyway, let’s look at them –

Remember, these are so obvious it was really hard for me not to facepalm myself into the wall behind me when I first read them, and remembering all this down every day will only frustrate you and confuse you.

Also, none of these things help you lose fat/weight on their own.

And now, what certainly won’t work –

1.      Starving yourself is a bad idea it is only going to make you crave more eventually and uncontrollably.

2.      No kind of food can ‘enhance’ your metabolism speed, maybe exercise can keep it performing well, but no food can affect metabolism rates.

3.      Slimming pills are lies, no pill can make you feel fuller, nothing natural or synthetic can do shit about your metabolism and your hormones can’t be manipulated like some puppet due to the pills.

4.      ‘Low-Fat’ labelled foods most probably are high in sugars, please check the calorie count clearly.

5.      There are some good cholesterols and some ‘bad’ ones, and you need both of them, but in adequate amount.

6.      Calorie from a carrot is nothing like a calorie from cake, cake is refined carb which doesn’t use much of your body’s energy to break down. Carrot or any natural product with natural carb takes a lot of time to break down and thus uses more energy from you. Not all calories are the same.

7.      No amount of fasting or dieting of any kind can help you lose weight and maintain that weight in the long run.

8.      Green Tea is basically caffeine, it is not an ancient miracle magic liquid.

9.      Weight Loss Supplements with natural ingredients in them doesn’t mean you will not get side effects, you will.

10.  Losing weight is not a linear process, some days you will lose weight while on some you may not, because the body weight shifts a lot and that sometimes blocks your weight loss progress. But don’t let that stop you.

11.  If you are eating in a balanced proportion, no natural carbs, protein and fats can make you fat.

12.  Spot reduction exercises only work on your muscles, not on your fat, you’ll need cardio or full body movements to lose belly fat and love handles.

And finally, from one frustrated fatso to another –

The biggest thing that stops people to halt their efforts to lose fat is the need to see instant results or the mountain sized efforts they try to anticipate.

Just start from simple cardio, then as you gather more stamina, start adding in your favourite core or compound workouts.

Mentally make this thing a big part of your daily life. More than your need for entertainment, more than your need to seek companionship. Talk to yourself about it regularly.

Also, just before working out, you’ll have to be mentally free, so solve whatever is consuming you or you will skip.

A few heads-up –

·        As you will increase your time for working out and add in more complex routines, your body will adjust to it by maybe puking a little, so don’t worry about it and don’t hold it in.

·        As you increase your exercises your muscles will ache but that is normal and good, just take proper resting periods to overcome naturally

·        Stock up on some clean, tight underwear, especially men, so your balls don’t rattle.

·        DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH while performing these workouts.

·        Rightly done movements matter more than fast reps.

·        If you feel like it, then you can have as much water as you want before, while and after exercising

·        Don’t anticipate the efforts you’ll have to put in the workouts before starting them, just start with warm-ups first.

I think that’s it.

As we bid farewell –

You will have to give this herculean task more importance, more than or at least as equally as your heart’s other biggest desires, talk yourself into it every day till it solidifies. And don’t worry, eventually you’ll know what to do and how to do them.

Good luck people.