Tofurkey, salmonella and a bunch of crazy people in a room - the holidays have arrived.

Thanksgiving used to be a holiday known to everyone as the mother of all pig-out fiesta grandes; the day one raced out immediately after awakening from the post-meal nap to buy “fat” clothes.

Oh how I looked forward to the turkey brimming with stuffing and mashed potatoes with a little butter, no gravy, please, and salt. Yams with marshmallows bubbling on top, and grandma Schaedler’s blueberry pie fresh from the oven. Rolls….butter…kid heaven. Yum, yum, and yum again.

I should have known it was not to last when the news headlines began splashing stories such as “Don’t Eat The Stuffing or You Might Die, Silly Fools Who Cannot Read Directions” began their regular appearance about this time of year. Yes, salmonella had raised its ugly head. Thus began the “adventure turkey” phase of my life. “Will we survive adventure turkey and not get sick this year?” The health risk element sort of spiced the whole day up a little – lending an air of mystery and suspense to be sure.

Dang, those mashed potatoes are looking better and better every minute. Yes, until some new idiaht heralded from the rooftops: CARBS ARE BAD. EAT THEM AND YOU WILL GET FAT AND EXPLDOE. Oh good night – explode? Really? Ouch. All for a little potato lovingly-blended with precisely the right amount of cream or milk, pepper and salt.

And, of course, butter soon was out of the question, too. CHOLESTEROL IS BAD BAD BAD BAD YOU WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE IF YOU DON’T STROKE OUT FIRST. Jiminy Christmas…must I now tolerate that nasty margarine? You guessed it, mom decided we could not afford to risk our arterial health for the sake of taste – enter my personal hell: margarine no butter….and no whipped cream either – cool whip – aka whipped lard or oil.

Surely the yam, cousin and "whole grain” version of the potato, would be acceptable? No, no, no, silly girl. They are sugar bombs. SUGAR IS BAD FOR YOU. YOUR TEETH WILL ROT OUT YOU WILL GET DIABETES GET FAT AND EXPLODE WHILE YOUR LEGS FALL OFF. BAD BAD BAD SUGAR BAD BAD…..

Then as if things couldn’t get much worse, some dingle-dot came up with the most bizarre invention ever: the Tofurkey. Essentially a lump of  tofu and…uh, something…with wooden dowels shoved into it to resemble “legs” so one could feast a la Henry VIII….”WHY?” I shouted as I ran screaming into the night. A friend of mine who actually tasted a tofurkey claimed it tasted like what one would scrape off the bottom of one’s shoe. He asserted even his vegetarian friends agreed. Yuck. Plain ol’ yuck.

Add to this the “what relative I despise will appear get drunk, and either, fall down/make a pass at me/or say something incredibly crass and ugly?” to the mix and hooray – time for the holidays again. It’s like the pre-game show for Christmas.

Of course I had not known the dark history of the damned day either. As you know, pilgrims were probably an uptight lot – and I do not fancy uptight people all that much – so that side of things had not registered. But knowing the slaughter that resulted in the holiday being celebrated made me want to rename it: “Pig out And Still Feel Good About Yourself” day. To hell with the damned pilgrims any – like I said –w ay too uptight.

Thank goodness my 43rd birthday falls on Thanksgiving day this year. I intend to pig out masterfully with butter and pie with whipped cream, a leg WITH skin, and mashed potatoes. And I hope I pass out afterward on the mother of all L-tryptophan highs, too. All I can say to the rest of you is enjoy the day off, enjoy your family, and pig out…bon appetit.